But that's completely tangential. I'm probably just feelign like I need a true friend, and Oscar's not around. Boo fucking hoo. The last week or so has been very bad. I've been drinking more than usual and not running. In fact, I think I had my first real, adult 'bender'. I did nothing for four days straight except wake up late, drink, pass out late, wake up, and do it again. Inter-mixed was a lot of eating shit food, meeting random strangers, and getting injured. I am covered in little bruises, bite marks, and cuts. Nearly each one can be attributed to alcohol.
It ended yesterday around 5 p.m. I just got tired and said, 'huh, I think I'm done now' and started drinking water and going to bed. Today however has been marked with regrets and weird behavior. Right now for instance, I've been working my way through and entire loaf of bread chew-and-spit style. It started during dinner. I had the feeling I was eating too much and realized there was no one around to care if I chewed and spat. So there went the rest of the box of macaroni and cheese, and here goes a loaf of bread. Then maybe some m & m's, or chips, we'll see. when I'm in the middle of a spit-and-chew, I don't feel bad at all, you know? I feel compulsive, yeah, but somehow, very very safe. Like this is the binge, I won't feel bloated afterwards. Sure, it means my mind is fucked up, but at least it won't fuck up my body TOO much.
Oh as to an update of the highlights of the last few days:
hung out with my heroin addict friends for a couple of days, it is unspeakably nice to have them back in my life. And so so so different from when they were into their shit, they've just become nice, wiser, more humble young men who seem genuinely excited to talk to people and work things out.
fucked that girl I met in the park at Pride, it was a real trip, I'll write more about it later if anyone cares to know the details. I'd like to see her again but something has been keeping me from actually hitting her up again.
I've been house sitting for my cousins the last few days which is great for me in the sense that I feel like I have an iota of independence, not so great in that I'm also becoming painfully aware of the need for me to get the fuck out of Seattle. I just have to make the decision between San Francisco and NYC, and make it quick while I still have a little money so I can support myself for a move.
Along those lines, I've been attempting to apply for jobs in NYC and San Francisco, but so far no one has even contacted me back. Kind of a bummer, I feel really qualified. Of course, you lovelies get to see my darkest moments, but in general I'm an excellent employee. I've never missed a day of work at my last two jobs, and always work extra, in fact.
So yeah, haven't been running, have been binge eating and drinking every day, most certainly weight close to 145 right now I would bet. And I'm eating a fucking loaf of bread right now and spitting it into a bowl. This is not a good moment for me at all. Yet I feel like tomorrow is the turn around, and I feel okay about it. So don't worry about me, and I'll be up on y'alls blogs commenting shortly.
Love,
Adrian
