sunday regrets

Sorry I didn't post all weekend. Things are/were SNAFU. I went with Dorian to Boston for the weekend, which meant a lot of eating and drinking and no exercise except shaking my ass at night. Bah. Humbug. But I'll list a few highlights:

1) splitting a steak and lobster eggs benedict with Dorian at a bistro (I only had a few bites, but um, wow)
2) having a total of 5 people buy me drinks, 4 of whom were total strangers (Dorian bought me a couple beers because the club gives him drink tickets). There was an Irish dude, a Brazilian dude, an Italian dude, and a blonde woman from California. Odd bunch.
3) Seeing one of my good friends from high school and having him cook me a totally healthy meal: steamed kale with onions/garlic and roasted sweet potatoes, squash, and apples.
4) getting dressed up of course:

nothing TOO wild, but it was fun. 

Some lowlights:

1) Missed the Boston Rally to support planned parenthood and women's rights. I got there right in the middle of the time-frame advertised, but everyone had gone home already. Damnit! I just stood in the cold for a while by myself. 

2) ate everything. EVERYTHING. I ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese one night. I ate bagels. plural. I ate a lean cuisine fish dinner that tasted disgusting (I hate frozen and boxed food usually) but I just ate it to hurt myself. I ate a quesadilla. I had two pieces of bacon. I had beers. 

3) Some women were really mean to me at this shady party we went to. I was very, very close to starting a physical fight when Dorian pulled me aside and took me home. 

So yeah, there you have it. Good and bad, the food, oh man, I have no idea what got into me. I think I eat when I'm very stressed, and Dorian's house really stresses me out. I think I've talked before about how his mother is a really bad alcoholic (her liver has failed twice since I've known her) and the house is always really contentious, people not talking to one another or screaming or crying. I just try to keep to myself, since they clearly don't want me there and I don't think they like me much, but the one thing they're always encouraging about is me eating. So I eat and eat and eat and hope it will make them happy. It seems to make them happy. Or I could just try and keep myself out of that house altogether, that would probably be best.  

Other news: 

I think Oscar might be breaking up with his boyfriend, I can't tell yet. I also think he might be starting a new relationship with this sweet hippy boy who we met through Beast. It makes me sad that he won't talk to me about his relationships, like maybe we broke some trust somewhere.

Tony has been off speed for 5 days. He just told me, he was keeping it quiet (in case it didn't really happen?) and I'm SO happy but trying to play it cool and not let him know how worried I was. 

My weight has been dropping, slow but steady. I need to update the sidebar, but I spiked back up from 130 to 138 weeks ago (before I started my period) and have been fighting to get back down since. I hoped it would just drop back down but it's clear now that it's going to be a battle so I might as well document it. I was 134 this morning, that's down from 135 most of last week. Oh I'm also updated photos and measurements today. 

lastly, can we talk about the gap? No, not the brand, you know the gap I mean. 

this is the pitiful extent of my knees-touching gap. I guess what is so upsetting to me is the shape...what is that nasty lard at the top? Why do my inner thighs BULGE like that an inch and a half down? chub chub chub. 

that's what I want. Thighs that just go straight down. None of this wobble, just perfection. Is that so hard?

Well, that's all for now folks, I've been reading your blogs on my phone all weekend religiously, but I'm sorry I haven't commented more. I will get on it!

love, 

Adrian

lying around naked feels great

I am really enjoying it right now. Yesterday was standard of my routine for the last week that I have to snap out of: wake up, workout, don't eat until dinner and then have a largish portion and drink yourself into oblivion. Seriously. I did an abs workout in the morning (pretty easy, wasn't sore today) and then made Chili for dinner. Oh and I cleaned my whole room, hooray! So I had a bowl of chili and a slice of toast, then i had burlesque rehearsal. I ended up dancing for about an hour and a half, and drinking about 4 glasses of champagne. Then I came home and had another bowl of chili and another 4 glasses of red wine before passing out watching Absolutely Fabulous. I love that show. In fact, let's have a Patsy moment:

"Jeremy's must remain a sterile oasis, free from street eaters and coffee carriers. Aseptic and razor-sharp as our customers hipbones. These women shop for lunch! Labels are their only sustenance! Their skeleton legs in Manolos have worn trenches down the pavement of Sloan Street. Their arm sinews have just enpugh muscles left in their arm to lift up a credit card."

Ridiculous, lovely. Joanna Lumley is a great comedian and a hot mess.

Anyways, my point is that in channeling her, I have been drinking and smoking WAY too much. I've been at a pack a day for a little over two weeks I think. Blergh. I've only had one today so far though, and nothing to eat. I woke up this morning and went on a run, 20 minutes around town. Running is finally starting to feel really good to me, which I'm excited about. I think I need to reward myself with some running shoes though, running in converse is hell on my feet and knees. Maybe next month if I can save some money on food I'll put that towards sneakers. So yeah, went running and then came home and did an abs workout with Tony...a pretty kickass one actually. Then I just showered and started lounging around. Tonight I have burlesque practice AGAIN (I'm starting to get really sick of it actually, and with Ronnie hitting on me, and everyone either bitching or chattering, I just want to do my work and leave) and supposedly Oscar and I are going swimming. Which would mean like 4 workouts in one day. Hmm, maybe I will have something to eat before dinner (it's 6:40 now) just because I can feel myself starting to get really grumpy. 

It's funny, the hunger thing I can do. I don't really have a problem not eating much so I can keep my calories just to alcohol. But I do start to get totally bitchy. I snapped at Oscar last night before dinner because there was nothing in the fridge to cook. I yelled, "I don't give a fuck what we eat I just want to have a meal before I go to dance, okay? I just want something reasonable". Ohhh welll. I think I'll go make myself a little snack because behavior like that is unacceptable. It's less attractive than the fat on my thighs.

maybe.

-Adrian

minor coke binge, minor food binge following

this is a picture from friday night. oh dear.

I don't have time to make a full post right now and I'm feeling a little too hazy anyways but here's what's been happening this weekend:

friday night I went to two parties. The first was great, drank vodka sodas on the roof and did a line of coke in the hallway off my iphone. But then...I went to my neighbor's party. I ended up meeting everyone in my building (aside from my burlesque friend, it is entirely single men in their mid 30's). They all loved me (strange young party girl! mysterious!) and wanted to share their coke in private while each one showed me his place. Weiird. I ended up doing probably $50 worth just myself, but there were piles there. This is not the life I want to lead, this is not me. Luckily, it meant no eating of course, and I just drank and had fun, but ended up being awake, grinding my jaw, at 8:00 in the morning trying to write a paper.

I passed out and was woken by my contractor there at 10:00 am and then realized I had done far too many drugs. I couldn't stand up to talk to him, so I sat on various beds, couches, chairs, and countertops as I struggled to tell him what needs fixing. I could barely tell him my phone number, and as soon as he left I passed out on the bathroom floor with its cool, cool tiles. Woke up a little while later and went back to bed after eating some salty pasta and chocolate...I was hoping putting a little salt or sugar in my system would help me out. still felt like shit when I finally got my ass out of bed at 5:00 pm. didn't drink or smoke for the rest of the day, but ended up ordering veggie noodles and soup from chinese take-out. Urrrrrgh. Today has been a little better, I've had two pieces of toast and I cooked up a big mess of food to take to the local shelter, Oscar and I do a meal there most Sundays, but lately it's just been too cold/we've been out of town a lot. So I made roasted potatoes, carrots, parsnips, and onions in olive oil, salt, pepper, and rosemary. It went fast, so I think it was good, but I couldn't eat it.

Nw I'm just at the library, turned in my chapter work and just hanging out until dinner. Brian is making some sort of pasta, Oscar and I are going to make a salad. I'm thinking spinach and roasted beets/shallots maybe? what else goes in that...daikon? pears?

anyways, I hope other people had more successful weekends than I, my body and mind feel completely wrecked.

people are strange, when you're a stranger

The last 24 hours has felt very weird. I'm up at one of the college libraries right now, about to make the final push on whatever chapter material I'm turning in tonight. The plan is to work from 4:00-12:00, turn my shit in, and then head down to one of the local bars for our neighbor's birthday party. I really, really hate this neighbor. He's the most annoying, boring, queeny older gay man I've met in a long time. He comes over to our apartment when he gets off work around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning and always wants to tell us the same stories about how great/awful things were when he was younger. Being gay was so much harder, but he was a fabulous drag queen blah blah blah. Well now he's fat and he runs a restaurant.  Get over it.

But I'm obligated to go to his party. He also left us a $50 bag of coke that we're supposed to pay for later today, I have no idea when that's going to happen, I didn't ask for it and I don't have time to pay between now and the party.


ANNNYWAYS enough complaining. yesterday went well until the night time, I had a handful of nuts and a serving of banana chips for brunch, and in the evening I made tamales in swiss chard wrappers...yum! had a little roasted sweet potato on the side and a small bowl of lettuce (yes, the lettuce was Dorian's attempt at a salad. he didn't put anything else in it, not even dressing. *sigh* boys.) Then I worked on my paper for a couple hours and hit the club where Dorian was DJing a reggae night. My new friend, the DJ Ronnie was there, being a little too precocious. Like, he's really cool, but I get a bad vibe when you meet someone you click with and immediately they have all the time in the world to hang out. He's probably just excited, but I feel you should have a few other priorities, right? But he IS a party planner in NYC so he wants to take us down there and party, which would be fun. Well after dancing my ass off (and getting drunk, I admit it) we went to a diner where I split some fries with Oscar. Then Ronnie started grinding up on me outside and I got kind of uncomfortable so I said goodnight and came home to The Neighbor being his usual self. I ended up eating a cup of cereal and an English muffin for my late night binge and passing out with Oscar.

Yeah, kind of boring, but all very strange. Now off to do homework! I brought a grapefruit with me for when I get hungry, so far I've only had a cup of back coffee today and it's 4:20! Oh and I did an abs workout this morning when I woke up.

I wanted to say good luck to everyone, but make your own luck! take charge!
love,
Adrian

oh dear I'm stuffed...but it's not bad!

Well I didn't eat until right before burlesque rehearsal, when I had a ferrero roche (nom evils), an english muffin with salsa and tomato, a carrot, and a pickle. At midnight when rehearsal was almost over I also had two bowls of butternut squash soup, a piece of toast, a banana, and two more chocolates. And I'm soooo stuffed now, but between dancing and walking I'm still only at 622 net...it's amazing how much I can eat if I don't drink alcohol. Hooray! I'm even letting myself consider more food right now, it just wouldn't fit inside me.


As for rehearsal, I'm a little bummed. Everyone else just seems a little slow and distracted. I want to be working out! Oh well, hopefully it will get better and we won't need 5 hour long rehearsals. Oscar made me wonderful soup that I came home to, but now the boys are all up at Brian's place watching a movie and they told me I might as well wait because they're almost done. So I'm tired and full and alone...I think I'll watch a movie and pass out, hopefully tomorrow I can wake up early, go for a jog or something, and just do homework all day. That would be perfect.

good night,

Adrian

drunkey stoney dancey

Last night was wow. I hit my marks in the morning, I did a pretty quick workout (just 300 calories on the elliptical and a short abs workout. I tried to target my lower abs to give the upper sections a rest...good god how I want that perfect stomach. I will I will I will, I just have to keep losing the fat over the top and building the muscle underneath.

I love the top woman's look most, but there's something about that last pic; I'm not really a fan of the super-tan duck-face blonde thing, but she's just so casual about her perfect abs. A perfect body is something you can just carry around all the time, it's the best accessory to anything. You know all these women work fucking hard to have abs like that, but the rest of the time they get to just hang out like it's easy. That's what I want.

Anywho, after workout (actually, interrupting what should have been a longer workout) I went grocery shopping with Dorian, picked up some sweet potatoes, chard, tomatoes, the kinds of things that we run out of quickly. Then I did a little homework and made myself a soup: 74 cals, just a carrot, celery stick, half a shallot, 5 mushrooms, and one egg white in chicken broth with some soy, vinegar, and cayenne. yummy! I also had a pickle, and two chocolates...okay pregnant lady cravings. I wasn't doing too badly though considering. I made beef enchiladas for dinner and had half of one along with about a half cup of roasted sweet potatoes (yum! I am so bummed those are gone now) but THEN same old same old, I got drunk and ate everything. 

Well, not quite. I actually went to dance rehearsal where I was working my ass off from 8 pm- 2 am, wow. I only really danced for probably two hours of that though, at least that's what I put into my calorie tracker. But dance rehearsal for a late night burlesque troupe means chain smoking and drinking. I had three glasses of red wine, two PBRs, and two sierra nevadas. fuuuuuck. I also smoked a joint when my new friend Ronnie came over after. That's what made me eat the quesadilla, maybe. And then the whoppers (candy, not burgers, but probably 10 of them). So yeah, bingey drunk face for the second night in a row. 

I had a net total of 1232...blargh. That's hardly enough to lose weight on, but I don't THINK it's enough to gain. At least, I was down this morning. I ended up staying up until 5 am, weird. Woke up at 2 pm, before Oscar, and pulled zette's trick of splashing milk and cereal in a bowl. Oscar knows I don't usually eat cereal, but accepted that I had based on my hangover. I'm so glad I did that though, because late lazy wake-ups are the WORST with Oscar because he'll make a big pile of greasy potatoes and eggs and meat and then I have to eat it or he gets all pouty and says I don't like his cooking. I love it, but really? eggs with butter AND oil with sausage AND bacon in a creamy cheese sauce on top of a bagel? with a side of cheesy home-fries? Are you trying to kill me?

so yeah, I had one 'bite' of cereal in front of Oscar (spit it out in the bathroom) and hopefully now I won't have to eat for a while. Oscar wants to go swimming again, but I think I might opt for the elliptical, rock climbing, and an abs workout instead and then I'll meet him in the Sauna. Lately the pool has seemed a little like torture, and normally I love swimming. Maybe it's because I'm swimming after another workout and before I eat for the day? I don't know. 

I really need to work out my shit. Mostly drinky-drunk-wise, but also actually working out my abs. Oh and school work, I have a chapter due on friday. Har! 

Stay stronger than I have darlings, my head is killing me and my stomach is still swollen.

-Adrian

good night darlings and happy valentine's day

Did I ever tell you that I once saw St. Valentine's skull and shoulder blades? Maybe some of you have as well. I was backpacking through Europe about four (five? wow) years ago and in Rome one day wandering around we came upon the cathedral that houses those bones as a shrine. Now, I'm not the most religious girl, but every Valentine's day I think of those bones and the relatively small church in which they reside. I'd like to have shoulder blades that someone kept because they were that lovely. That people came to visit. Someday.

Today went fairly well. I had black coffee for breakfast and then hit the gym, as promised. I worked out for about two hours, but only counted calories from the 20 minutes I spent on the elliptical/cross-trainer/jumping rope-- about 400. In addition to that I did two short abs workouts and some upper body training: arms, shoulders, and back. It's funny, my arms have always been so big from sports, even at a size 00 a lot of shirts didn't fit my biceps, but I'd be fine with that as long as I can stay toned, you know? I'm not adverse to that androgynous scrappy look, as long as there's no fat on it. Anyways, I was in the middle of my last 30 minutes on the elliptical when Oscar called wanting to go swimming. How could I resist? I was drenched in sweat and almost done. I ran to the pool instead and swam laps for 20 minutes.

Then, I had a Naked juice. Normally I DO NOT drink juice. It IS NOT done by me. Doesn't matter if I'm fasting or what, I can't get it out of my head that juice is a bunch of sweet, sticky calories shoved down your throat. But something in that juice was calling me...300 calories of it. Well, actually I shared it with Tony (who refuses to get his hair wet in the pool) but still, let's call it 300. So then I had my meeting with my committee at 7:30 and I'm at -200 calories for the day. Not so bad huh? I had an orange in my meeting though (I think my committee chairman might be worried about my weight loss? he keeps offering me food when I come) and then I had a drinks date with my ex. It went really well, we each brought another friend so it wouldn't be a real Valentine's day date, but I miss and love her a lot, it's obvious. She just takes such good care of me. It's so crazy to have someone CARE, you know? I live with all of these young men who try sometimes, but they have no idea what it means to really support someone and see when and how they need help and love. They're drama free of course, but I miss having this woman in my life who saw me hurting and tried to follow me. Oh well, it's easier this way. I'll reach my goals before anyone starts to really notice.

So after my one beer with my ex, I went to dinner with Oscar. We went out to Tapas, which was nice, and not too heavy. No idea the calorie count, but I doubt the food could have been more than 500. The three glasses of wine on the other hand...*sigh*. This whole not drinking on week nights thing has been such a major fail. I also had some sort of fruity shooter at a bar afterwards, then came home and made myself two bowls of low-cal soup (160 combined). Still, that must put me around...460 in wine+120 shooter+45 orange+500 dinner+300 juice+ 150 beer +160 soup= 1735- 525= 1215. Damnit. Well, those are high estimates on food and low estimates on exercise (excluding all exercise not done on a machine/pool), so the numbers could easily be more like 1000 for the day... still not good enough. I will do better tomorrow, and I will have not excuses to drink. Remember Adrian, if you didn't drink today your intake would have been 810 calories less. 810. 810. That's 405 net calories in FOOD. 


This is official alcohol fueled starvation. I cannot keep getting fat just because I find alcohol easy to consume. I am good at restricting my calories. Hell, I could do this forever. I need to reign in my fucking drinking, fat drunk cow. Hah. fat drunk cow... that's a cute image.

Anyways, I won't be TOO hard on myself. It doesn't get me any closer to my goal, I just have to dust myself off and do better tomorrow. Goodnight darlings, and stay away from jazz and liquor!

- <3 Adrian

quick update, party pictures, going for coffees

Hi dolls, I thought I'd just update with a few party pics. It's SO difficult for me to get alone to post. Right now Oscar is asleep next to me, but since we moved so much furniture around, I don't have much alone space or time. Today is going well,I just got up and dressed and about to go grab an Americano downstairs before heading to the gym. I should get in two workouts today, one at the gym and the a half hour or more of swimming. Anyways, on to the show:

\\\

so here's my kitty face

here's the spread (I didn't eat any of it)

This is Tony!

projector with kitties

And here's the aftermath, Oscar and I having a sleepover in the living room. Actually that's exactly how I'm sitting now. 

And here's a picture of me at the party. I'm kind of torn about it...on one hand my arms look big, waist looks big, and I'm holding a beer, on the other you can kind of see my collar bones and the hint of the ribs on my chest...meh

So there we go, enjoy and I'll be on later today to update and read everyone's blogs. I love you all!

-Adrian

birthday party, period, and other great things

Well my period finally came! I'm actually so happy about it, because I was about two weeks late and starting to feel really PMS-y, I haven't lost that much weight so I couldn't understand it, but it's just this big release...plus, hopefully I'll be less bloated now.

Last night was the big birthday party...it went SO well. The cops ended up breaking it up, but I think that's a marker of a good bash. It was fancy-cat themed if you recall, I set up a projector to loop youtube cat videos in the dance room, had a great DJ play all night (for my present, he made me a special 'meow mix' of top forties mixed with a cat song) and set up two rooms of hang out space. I also had a makeup station set up so people could get their cat faces on, and put out my favorite version of a 'full bar': I buy nice nips of different liquors and then put mixers out, people can make their own drinks and they get cute glass bottle souvenirs. There was also champagne and punch of course. For food, I made little 'tuna melts' with slices of bagette, tuna with onions, and cheddar cheese baked in the oven. I also picked up 10 McDonald's cheeseburgers (I can haz cheezeburger?) cut into 1/4s with frilly toothpicks...it cost like $12 and made 40 appetizers. Also cupcakes, and bleu cheese with endives and radicchio, and chocolate cat tongues. Lastly, I put out a couple cans of Fancy Feast just to see if anyone would eat them, no go. But it was a fun gag.

I got some great photos, I'll put them up later. I was right, someone did buy me coke for my birthday, so I didn't end up eating much myself, but I did have quiiite a lot to drink. At the end of the night, Tony, Oscar, and I pushed our three couches into the dance room and watched movies on the projector and had a sleepover, it was perfect. I seriously adore throwing parties, but like I said, since the cops come every time I can't throw more than two or three a year at this apartment.

In other news, eating has been all over the place. Today I've been pretty hang-over binge-y, you really DON'T want to hear what I've had so far, but the exercise has been going really well, so let's focus on that. Oscar actually agreed to go spinning with me on friday, then I did the elliptical for 20 minutes, then we went for a 20 minute swim. Yesterday my only exercise was running around town getting ready for the party then dancing my ass off.

oh quick question, does anyone know what 'party favors' might be slang for? At about 3:30 last night, this really cool guy (another DJ who I just met a few weeks ago) who had been at the party in full BDSM lion costume, texted me asking if Oscar and I do *party favors* (the party was over at this time) I assume it has to do with sex or drugs, but I'm not sure which?

So yeah, I guess that's all the news here. The weekend was a total wreck as far as dieting goes, but I'm going to be back on track tomorrow. Valentine's day will be here, and I was so worried that I'd be alone. Oscar is in a fight with his boyfriend, they're taking a week-long break from each other, and so he said he'd like to go out with me. I think I'll do it, if it doesn't make me feel like a back-up plan. I remember last year he and I were driving home from NYC on Valentine's day and we both had forgotten about it. Then we stopped in New Haven, CT and had this wonderful dinner at a concept sushi place with chili infused sake. I'd like to spend another V-day with him, in the past I've had some bad ones when I'm alone:

three years ago, I drank a box of wine (yep, BOX) and did a bunch of coke and methadone. Ended up cuddling with this girl while we watched two other ladies go at it on the floor next to us, and vomiting copiously in the morning.

two years ago, I ended up meeting my ex and her new girlfriend at a party. I made out with the ex in the bathroom, then got in a fight outside and ended up getting a concussion from getting hit in the head/falling on the ice.

So yeah, Oscar has been good for me. I think I will go out to dinner with him, but that means exercise in the morning and not eating until dinner...

...oh shit writing that out just reminded me that I agreed to have drinks with someone tomorrow night. That someone is the same ex who I made out with on v-day two years ago. Fuck. I really did not realize what day it was when I made those plans. What should I do?


In a daze,

Adrian

worked my ASS off today to make up for last night

hey darlin's, I'm posting quick because I have a skype date soon with Will, my lover from last summer. Super dorky sweetheart, rock climbs, works with disabled children, does a lot of acid, etc. Anyways, last night of course went from bad to worse. I ended up NETTING 1589, can you believe that shit? It's because I had three beers then decided it was okay to have: peanuts, olives, and bread covered in bleu cheese. That actually sounds revolting in sober-land. Anyways, woke up this morning and went to the gym promising myself I would burn 800 calories on a machine to help make up for yesterday. I ended up burning 809! Then I had half a fruit salad (55), half a tuna melt, and a small cup of veggies soup (200 total) with Oscar at the school cafe.

Got home and had some banana chips (150) then a dogfish head IPA (209) and a pickle (10).  Now it;s time to make dinner!

I'm at net -185 right now, so  should be okay for the rest of the night.

good morning!

I woke up this morning fully focused on that quote I see on so many of your blogs,

"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction"


I believe that completely. So this morning I walked to pick up my car and then drove Brian to go pick up his car which got towed last night. Then I dutifully went to the grocery store (I think I grocery shop more than anyone I know, it's just so nice to go around and look at all the food) and bought the boys their things- golden grahams, tempeh, pita bread, cheddar, butter, etc. I also got myself a couple cans of low-cal progresso soup (80 and 90 cals a serving), a box of egg whites so I stop collecting un-used yolks, and some plain yogurt cups.

But when I got home, that quote as still in my head, so I went for a 15 minute jog instead of breakfast. Now I'm having a big cup of coffee and then I think I might work out at home a bit and hang out at that new coffee shop downstairs and get some work done.

Last night went pretty well. Between cardio at the gym and burlesque, I burned 826, ended up eating 993, so net 167. Of that 993 I'm sad to say, 537 was in alcohol. Fuckin' A. It's just hard to practice taking off your clothes in front of people without a couple glasses of wine. But we got the first 24 counts or so of the group routine choreographed. We're dancing to "all that jazz" from Chicago as our full choral number, and then each of us has an individual routine (I have two because I'm working with Beast on her's) and then I'll be go-going the other bands as well. Whew! So I've got to practice the group piece and work on my own, because I might be practicing with Jen, the woman who's running it, tonight, and for sure next tuesday. Yay scheduled exercise that's not solely contingent on me loving/hating myself!

As to solid food, I had the banana chips and was doing well until I felt the crrazzziest urge to binge around 8:00, but I saved it. I had 1/2 of a rice cake (30 cals) and just asked myself over and over what I wanted more, to be thin or to keep eating. Thin won!

Lastly I wanted to share last night's dinner because it was pretty damn tasty, and I just kind of made it up as I went along:

Spicy stuffed eggplant

1 eggplant
1 green pepper
1 onion
1 portobello mushroom
2 cloves garlic
1 chicken breast
toasted sesame oil
soy sauce
white wine

slice an eggplant down the middle, scoop out the innards on each side, and chop up what you scooped out. Put it in a bowl with a little salt, and put a little soy sauce in each of the eggplant shells. In a large frying pan, heat up a little toasted sesame oil and add in chopped onion and chopped green pepper. When the onion is clear, add in one diced chicken breast and brown it. Then add the egg plant innards and one chopped portobello mushroom. Deglaze with a quarter cup of white wine. Add soy sauce, cayenne, a little cumin, fresh garlic, and a healthy amount of fresh ginger. Cook until the eggplant gets soft. Add this filling back into the eggplant shells and back in oven on 350 for 15 minutes, basting with a little more white wine halfway through. Serve with quinoa.

It hit the spot for me so hard that I actually went back for seconds after burlesque practice :(. But all in all I think it's pretty low calorie, especially if you leave out the quinoa, but also quinoa is a complete protein by itself!

Alright, I've probably bored everyone enough. Oh I almost forgot! At burlesque practice, three glasses of wine in, I fell on my face. Literally. I was bent backwards over a chair when my heel got stuck and the chair came down on top of me and I landed with my neck bent backwards, forehead grinding into carpet. This morning my face was not cute. I'm wearing a beanie to hide it:

please ignore awful hat hair. 

So that's all for now folks, I'll talk to you very soon though I'm sure :D Stay strong, stay determined. Sometimes, I start to think to myself that I deserve thin more because I have focus, because I'm out jogging while my friends are asleep. But I have to prove that focus to myself every single day because I promise, it's not showing up on my body quite yet! Ah well. 

Much love,

Adrian

I forgot how much food weighs you down...no, not just like that heh.

It seems like a long time since I've posted, I lost my laptop charger and it was my birthday and a thousand other lame excuses. The point is I'll be checking up on blogs this evening!

The morning I woke up and felt so disgusting (sunday) I just didn't eat. I wasn't trying NOT to eat, in fact I made myself two carrot sticks cut into four and put them in a plastic bag in my pocket. I told myself I couldn't eat anything else until I ate those carrots. But the carrots just never sounded that good. Every time I saw other food, I'd think about the carrots I had to eat first and I would decline. I did have two vodka sodas and a beer at the bar though. Around 1:00 am I also made myself a meal: I ate one carrot stick and chopped the other into a veggies soup, 180 cals total. So my total for the day was 570 in food, plus 20 minutes of walking around, net 500.

Yesterday being my birthday, I was obliged to go out to lunch and dinner, three bars, and a late night snack. Oh yes, it was horrific, but you know what? Fuck it, it was my birthday. There are some nights I control my eating, and there are some nights I can't let my eating control me. I had a tuna roll and miso for dinner, and a bowl of soup with side salad for lunch. At home I had a slice of pizza and a bagel. I'm not even going to count it all up with drinks added, this day was a perfect non-ed day.

Today I realized though, Sunday was amazing. Just going as long as I can without eating, if I can keep from binging, just gives me this insane energy, you know? Like I'm capable of anything, like I'm searching for the next best thing and it's right around the corner; it's the better me. I woke up this morning and had a couple cups of coffee then went to the school to take care of some bullshit. Then I spent two hours at the school gym doing abs and cardio. I only counted the cardio calories, but I burned 531 on the cross-ramp thing doing 40 minutes.

Then I went grocery shopping on my way home and picked up: rice cakes, banana chips, egg plant, spinach, onions, garlic, mushrooms, bell peppers, chicken and beef broth, mmmm and sooo many other good produce things. I think the boys might be a little annoyed because I didn't buy any cheese or butter or bread or cereal which are the kinds of things they love. I'll probably go out again with them tomorrow or lend them my car or something, I just couldn't bring that food into the house with me.

Right now I'm sitting down o my first meal of the day: 60 cals of banana chips. Then I'm going to cook eggplants stuffed with mushrooms, green peppers, chicken, garlic, and onion. That's mostly for the boys, but I'm sure I'll have a small portion. I'll maybe make spiced rice on the side for them? Tomorrow: Borsht NOM NOM. Tonight I also have burlesque practice so I should get in another hour or so of exercise in.

So yes, I'm feeling much much better, thank you for the comments. I'm also still determined not to drink for the rest of the week nights, and not to eat anything big until saturday at my party (and maybe not even then. Between being nervous at parties and the likelihood of coke going around, I probably won't want to eat anything anyways).

Also, I went to the free boxes yesterday (remember, I never buy things?) and got some adorable new clothes. My favorite is this harem-pant silk onesie thing that I wore out to dinner last night:

yep, super silly, super comfy, 100% silk.

p.s. I was writing this and then Tony walked in the door. We went out and played a couple games of pool (no drinks for me!) and I made the stuffed eggplant. I'm about to put it in the oven. PLUS the restaurant downstairs just opened. It's kind of a study space with coffee and waffles and couches. I kind of hated the construction going on down there for the last six months, but this could be a good thing.

-Adrian

no no no no no no no

I have to post, I know I do. But I can't talk about it today. About anything. I feel like an utter failure. I feel delusional to think I could do this. My body wants to be fat no matter what I put in it, and I want to be fat based on what I do put in it. I haven't wanted to cry so badly over the number on a scale in years. I feel paralyzed. Abject. Done. Alone. I'm not working hard enough, I was stupid to think there was a healthy way to do this. How does a person just gain so much weight in leaps and bounds? How can I go up 7 lbs in two days, and THEN have an overnight jump of five lbs? These numbers seem like they're out of a nightmare. I have to stop seeing people. Stop being social.

Tomorrow I'll be 22. I'm crying that this is the body I've let myself have, that this is how I walk into the world for a new year: pitiable, weak, sloppy. And all anyone wants to do for my birthday of course is eat because apparently I'm the woman with whom giant stuff-your-face extravaganzas are inextricable. fuck fuck fuck. I'm hideous.

-Adrian.

Instead of sunday progress pictures today I'm putting up the most disgusting image possible as punishment. WARNING AWFUL REVERSE THINSPO COMING UP BELOW

hangover mornings...a time for regrets

Did I really smoke a pack of cigarettes last night? yes. between the hours of 5:00pm and 1:00 am, I smoked a full 20 cigarettes. Well, I bummed out a few too. But even still, I haven't had a pack in a night in about a year. Ohhh welll. I'm definitely feeling a little shitty this morning, between that and what I drank (3 beers, two glasses of wine, and some brazilian lime alcohol drink?). Eating wasn't terrible, but wasn't progress either. I had a small piece of chocolate cake. Where is this sweet tooth coming from? I normally have no sweet tooth whatsoever.

Additionally, I double beer battered and deep fried boneless chicken wings and covered them in sweet spicy sauce. Oh my god. I only had one bite because I wanted to make sure it tasted right, and the rest got eaten at the party really quickly. I love cooking foods I won't have to eat!

For myself, I had that morning grapefruit, oscar made scrambled eggs with bell peppers, and by lunch I had a biscuit. Then I had half a green apple and four crackers for a snack. Dinner was a few chips with salsa (6?), about half a cup of butternut squash, the fried chicken bite, and maybe a tablespoon of guacamole. Then the chocolate cake (it was made with chilies, so spicy and chocolate, but i probably only had four bites). Then the home binge, not terrible. 1/4 cup potatoes and then half of a package of top ramen with a carrot, half an onion, a little cabbage and spinach thrown in. Usually I avoid ramen noodles but meh, I was shitfaced.

Tony and I got in another fight, we seem to have those a lot. But we worked it out. Basically he called me a hipster. Blargh. And somehow I got offended. It was stupid, whatever. I DID look super adorable last night so maybe that had to do with it. I really need to get some fashion-y pictures up here. In time, in time.

Oh the scale also dipped this morning down to 137.5 So that's awful, but less awful.

I'll post again as soon as anything of note happens. Although here are a few topics:

my car died and I got it towed to a lot yesterday, I should be picking it up today but I haven't. We got kicked out of the bar last night. Oscar is in NYC. My birthday is on Monday.

I finally took a shit! and some somewhat less disgusting news.

Yep, finally. I resisted laxatives, I really don't want to get on that train, but instead I drank some 'tea' of hot water with salt and lemon. I finally feel a little emptier, happier. But my weight is still up at the High Bad Number. it's 139. Please please please be period bloating. How could I go up 9 lbs in three days with net calories below 1200? Well, let's ignore that for now. Please ignore it and don't think I'm a fatty fat failure.

Yesterday eating went...alright. I had a slice of cantaloupe and two egg whites with swiss chard for breakfast, a cup of steamed broccoli with a tsp. of cheese for lunch, half a green apple with four water crackers for a snack, and pasta with tempeh and tomato sauce and a side of swiss chard with garlic for dinner. Also a small brownie at night to celebrate Pony's visit. But NO alcohol! take THAT self. It was a lot of food, but generally pretty low calorie. Again, my phone is dead without a charger so I'll figure out calories later today. Also, I ran 30 minutes, did 10 minutes of aerobics and finished the third week of the 100 pushup challenge.

This morning I woke up late (8:30) to move my car and had 2 $10 tickets, but that's still cheaper than parking my car in a pay lot *sigh*. So things are difficult. I have to drive Pony to the airport later today, other than that my only plans are to work on my thesis and exercise. I've had 1/2 grapefruit for breakfast with three cups of coffee. And somehow I'm still a little tired.

Anyways, pretty boring update. Hopefully more will happen, tonight is Oscar's boyfriend's birthday so we're going to the bar with pool and indoor smoking. I think I'll bring my own vodka to save on calories and money, but I have a hard time hanging out and being nice to the boyfriend without at least a few drinks in me. It's difficult being in this situation. I love Oscar, but I don't want to hold him back. He and the boyfriend (I should really come up with a pseudonym for him, I'll work on that) are going to NYC this weekend, as are a few of my friends. I'd tag along with the other friends (fucking AMAZING apartment above the Cartier boutique in Midtown with no one living in it and four beds) but they're going for the funeral of a professor who died in his office earlier this week. Not exactly a party bus.

 Oh also I bought a tape measure last night and updated measurements on the side bar. It's going to be a once a week thing, since I think I've probably been putting on muscle. Otherwise why would my clothes still be loose after only a 4 lbs drop?

I've seen a lot of folks down on themselves over the last couple of days, and I know I should be too. But just keep fighting! Having control in this area of my life is one of the only things that keeps me sane, even if my numbers aren't going the way I'd like them to, I still control what goes in (and out).

love,
Adrian

I didn't let myself post...

...until I made some amends for last night. I got sloppy and drunk and ate macaroni and cheese, ratatouille, beans, and mashed potatoes with gravy. Seriously, not self control. I even ate a piece of baguette. I was also drunk, did I mention drunk? beers, wine, vodka, I had it all. In fact, there's a picture on Oscar's camera to perfectly describe what happened, I may post it. I also tok pics of some of dinner, but Dorian took my phone cable so we'll have to wait on that. Anyways. I gave myself probably a low estimate of the damage I did yesterday around 1600. Seriously, I bet it was that high. And no exercise. Why? because apparently being thin isn't something I want. WRONG.

I woke up this morning at 7:20 am. Sure, maybe I was still a little drunk, but I did it. This is a numbers game, numbers in and out. And I control them ultimately. I control if I pass out at night or if I do the necessary exercise to counteract what I've put in my body.I cleaned the house, moved my car, helped a friend move a wheel chair and a bed down a flight of stairs, then went for a half hour run on snow covered streets. I have no excuses, no one to blame. I ran to the grocery store and bought myself hair-ties so I can run more, sugar-free gum, and batteries for my scale. Then I ran back. 422 calories burned so far for the day, 3 added in gum.

I'm realizing more that alcohol makes these decisions a lot harder, because there are a lot of calories in my drinks but also because I don't like exercising drunk (not to say I haven't done it many times) and I often feel like passing out. I'm not in the habit of making promises I won't keep, so I'm not going to swear off liquor, but I am going to make a serious effort to live more dryly. Baby recently went sober, Pony, Beast, and Mai have all had sober periods. Sure, people judged them a little, but not much. And not as hard as people judge fat people. Which is where I'm headed if I shove beers down my throat then use that as an excuse to shove terrible food in too.

Nasty bodily function updates: Also I haven't had a proper shit in days. I've never used laxatives because usually my problem when I restrict is too much going through my system, just undigested and mixed with water. Nasty, I know. But now? I have no idea what's up. I thought it was my period coming, but there's been no sign of that. I have to be a little late, I think my last was january 2? So yeah, digestive system is unhappy, needs help.

Well, Oscar's about to hop in the shower which is my best chance to do some more exercise undisturbed. He really hates me exercising for some reason, I don't know if it's because he thinks exercise is stupid, or if he's jealous because I'm working on my body, or if he's worried about me. No reason to be, I've been eating like a turkey getting fattened up for thanksgiving.

Also, and I really didn't want to post this...I saw a number I REALLY didn't like or expect when I put the new batteries in my scale. I'm not going to mention it here just yet, because it was after my jog, which meant I'd already had at least 3 liters of water that morning, and usually I don't drink water at all before I weigh. So we'll see tomorrow, but if I'm really up that high, that means that in 3 and a half weeks, I've lost like...almost nothing.

Lastly I'll leave you with Taylor Momsen. She's kind of a joke among my friends, I actually have no idea if she's mainstream popular or not. Seems a little like Avril Lavigne maybe? But I actually love her cheesy music, sounds like a 90's throwback, and in the Miss Nothing video I love watching her skinny ass toss food off the table like she hates all comestibles. So:

Okay off to go work out. I will post more and be better! stronger! faster! more lovely!

-Adrian

maybe my only update today/ my only alone time

Well things feel much better today. I'm posting from my living room where I'm sitting on top of the couch with my legs down the back to they can be on the heater, sipping a cup of hot spiced wine. It is so miserably cold here still, I can't seem to get warm.

But! I finally got my phone charged up again (Oscar had the charger and he came home late and drunk last night and slipped into bed with me), so I can enter in calories for the last two days and get on track. Seriously, I love my app and it's special incentive not to eat so much because it takes forever to enter in all the ingredients of big meals. So calories since monday:

Monday: In- food 421, alcohol 510, total 921. Out: 23. Net: 683
Tuesday (binge night) food: 1000ish alcohol: 209 total, 1224. Out: 159. Net: 1065. I'm really glad that even during a binge I have enough healthy-ish food in the house that I'm not tempted too much to stuff chocolate or cookies or something in my face.

Today I woke up at 9:00 hoorah! and went out with Baby to move my car from the lot. It got stuck in snow and someone had to help push it out, so I ended up just parking it around the corner. I'll have to move it again either tonight or before 8:00 AM tomorrow but hopefully they'll have finished plowing the roads then and I can park it on the street for a while. Baby and I went out to two coffee shops and I worked on my thesis. I edited the first 6 pages and pumped it up to 8, and had both Baby and Oscar read it for editing. This whole chapter is on blood as an aesthetic to regulate identity in law and art. Stuff I find fascinating but a lot of people probably yawn, roll their eyes, or stare blankly at. Anyways, got that done and paid rent and electric so go me! responsible!

Plus, being busy really helps me from eating too much. Baby and I came back to my house around 2:00 and I made up a cheese plate for a snack, smoked cheddar, green apples, and water crackers. I alowed myself five water crackers (70) one small slice of cheese (29?) and two slices of apple (9?) so my estimate right now is 108 for the day so far, plus the wine I'm sipping on, which I watered down a bit because it's so strong/bitter with the spices I put in it.

Tony and Dorian left a bit ago for the airport to pick up Pony, he's going to make it! So I'll be cooking dinner for all of them tonight. Any ideas? Oscar suggested Ratatouille, which we have most everything for except zucchini, and I thought I'd serve the rest of my white beans as a side dish. So that just leaves a main course. Chicken again? pasta? rice? Oh I forgot that I bought swiss chard and beets yesterday...hmm.... I love being able to think about what foods I want to make for other people. I'm just worried because I know I'll be eating too so I somehow want to avoid rices and pastas. But that's also a good excuse to cook up all those foods and get them out of my house! Along those lines, maybe I'll go all out and make a baked mac n cheese with breadcrumbs. If I have enough side dishes I won't have to put more than a bite or two on my plate.

Other than that, not much is new. I'm thrilled to have four followers, it feels wonderful to be welcomed into a community and hopefully late tonight I'll be able to catch up and comment on people's posts. I'll also make sure to take a photo of something I ate today for the sidebar blog thingy. Nom Nom food porn, I like it almost as much as cooking.

-Adrian

the fake mohawk sucks ass, but Oscar and I really want this Gaultier suit from the spring collection. 

p.s. scale still broken, and I'm not trusting the analog one at ALL so I really need to get my ass to a store that sells those fancy batteries, think CVS has them?

sad, angry, stuffed.

well shit. I'm not sure why today felt so awful, I think if I could look at the numbers it wouldn't be as bad as I think, but tonight was the first night I ate to punish myself. I don't know if anyone else does this? My dinner was large but reasonable I think-50 cal. of chicken, 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes, green beans in garlic/lemon juice, and an onion/broccoli/carrot sautee mixture...but I had two small servings instead of one regular one which was a mistake because it meant I fucked up. Then I went into my room to read blogs and feel better but I fell into an immediate food-coma-stupor. Baby woke me up by buzzing my apartment and I remembered that because there are about 3 feet of snow outside I have to move my car into a garage every night or they will tow it to plow.

So I crawled out of bed, still full, and was so mad at myself for 1) eating too much at dinner 2) falling asleep on a full stomach and 3) forgetting to move my car, that I went to the fridge and methodically binged. I ate about 1 1/2 cups of pasta from the other night and about 1 cup of bean soup. The strangest thing is that if I had just been up that whole time, I probably would have moved my car and eaten the soup anyways. But I realized I was punishing myself, saying I don't deserve to be thin and have my goals.

Baby also convinced me to go out for a beer (1, a stout) and earlier on in the day I made myself some hot mulled wine to warm up with.

I also did a 20 minute workout today, two rounds of the 4 minute workout plus 16 minutes of 'freestyle' abs as I like to think of it. I can do any workout I want and switch whenever I want as long as I don't take a break in those minutes. Also tonight I focused on doing everything veeerrry slowly and in perfect form, it's actually harder in a lot of ways than using your body's momentum.

So all in all it couldn't have been TOO bad right? I mean, the mashed potatoes were a big no-no, but I kept my portions there down. It was almost all veggies all day except for the wine, beer, pasta, and potatoes. What scares me is more the fact that I ate to hurt myself. I remember doing this when I was actually in the throws of my ED years ago. Never wanting to eat, then doing it to sabotage myself, even though I know that the opposite should be true, eat to nourish and starve to punish...right? Or is it the other way around? I'm sorry, my brain isn't working right tonight. I had that eating nausea again today, twice. Once when tony gave me a bit of broccoli in the store this morning- awful stomach ache action, then again when I tried to eat dinner. Before I could get it down I spent a few minutes on the floor in a ball rocking back and forth because I thought I was going to vomit. Is this psychosomatic? Or am I getting sick? (you know, the real kind of sick, not this sickness that I harbor under my fat layers and over my ribs).

Oh, Pony couldn't make it out because of all the snow. I'm pretty unhappy about that, but his flight might be rescheduled for tomorrow, so that would be great.

Also, I thought I'd do this daily blogging thing from the sidebar and since day one is a photo of yourself and a description of your day, we're already half done. As for a picture of myself, I feel like I've been posting plenty of those lately, so here's a real throwback: Baby Adrian (circa 1997) getting my first ever trophy:

oh man, back then my lips were so big on my face...I hated it. Now I think it would look pretty cool. 

hi dolls, just a midday update, went shopping!

hiya. So I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night, not sure if i was hungry (I shouldn't have been, I ate soup about 3 hours before I fell asleep) or because I was in the wrong bed, but I kept having nightmares and waking myself up.

Woke up this morning though at 10:30 which is early for me to mountains of snow outside. Tony was up too so we went together to Trader Joe's and the little farm store  nearby. Produce there is sooo cheap. For $20 I got:

3 grapefruits
2 lbs broccoli
1 lb brussels sprouts
2 lbs onions
4 tomatoes
bag of spinach
1 daikon
2 large parsnips
1 lb green beans
2 red bell peppers
1 orange bell pepper
1 cantaloupe

we also grabbed local milk and eggs from the farm up the road, I like them SO much better. Working on a farm myself, it's really hard for me to buy a lot of animal products from factory farms.


maybe it doesn't sound like THAT much but it takes up most of the fridge!

At TJ's we also picked up coffee, rice, and frozen chicken breasts for me and my cooking, and then juices and bread and oil for the boys. It's strangely unsaid, but there are a lot of foods they love that I just CANNOT touch. Especially any pastries or juices. no no no. They're expensive, too sweet, and calorie bombs.

It was snowing so hard though that it was really hard to get home, so on the way we stopped by salvation army. It was completely dead inside, all the employees were waiting around for their manager to come close up because they'd been there all day selling nothing. So all the employees plus tony and I grabbed roller skates and bikes and fucked around in the store making announcements over the loudspeaker about impending breakdancing competitions etc.  I spent $5 and got a cute t-shirt and a silly red dress. I may take pictures for y'all. This dress is 1940's ridiculousness. But I tried on a bunch of stuff and guess what? Not a single thing was too small! I even tried on this beautiful floor length blue ball gown that I was thinking of wearing to my birthday party and I thought it looked waaay too small but it zipped up just fine, unfortunately it also made my tits look flat. *le oh well*.

In other news, we came home and wanted to do laundry but because of the snow the laundry mat is closed. So....fuck. I guess I'll be cold and smelly. I made myself a pretty big lunch around 3:00:

tomato soup made with 1 cup of tomatoes and 1/4 cup of coconut milk with veggie broth, a clove of garlic, and cayenne

stir fry with baby bock choy, cabbage, one small carrot, garlic, 1 small onion, and half a bell pepper. Used 1/4 teaspoon of sesame oil, some fish sauce, soy sauce, and hot sauce.

This is why the SGD doesn't make a lot of sense for me I think. The vaaast majority of my food intake is in fruits and veggies, most other calories only come in for booze and the occasional toast, rice, or pasta. Maybe I'll check out the math on it and see how much I deviate from the SGD on a daily basis.

well that's it for now, I'm just having a lie down in Oscar's room before I go out and start cleaning the house/working out. Pony is coming up from Texas tonight to visit us, his plane gets in at 6:00. So I want to make him dinner and have a nice place for him to stay. He is truly one of the best people I know.