So I haven't smoked for two weeks. I think I'm done! wahoo! that feels great. I've kicked an addiction. And yet here I am, feeling like a fat fuck, and drinking more than ever and hating everything.
I mean I don't hate everything, obviously, right? Because I'm 'pretty' enough to be passable, I'm not stupid or lazy or unable to provide for myself. I'm lucky in a lot of ways. It's just that I can feel the fat bubbling up around me and I'm sure it's going to kill me. And I don't even know how much it is. My scale doesn't work so I don't even know how fucking fast the fat is going to kill me until I have diabetes and heart disease and I can't stand to see myself and I end it all.
Here's what I do know: I have an average of 500 calories a night from alcohol. That's got to stop.
From now on: wine is allowed before dinner, and one glass after. But while eating, WATER ONLY. Duh. I know this. I don't know why I haven't been paying attention. I had three glasses of wine and one vodka+diet tonic tonight. Also beans with rice and steamed kale. I had chai and two pieces of chocolate for breakfast. I had casserole (basically mac n cheese with veggies) for lunch. Does that sound like a person who wants to live well? Who takes pride in their body and does good things? It sounds like a bunch of crap, like I'm trying to kill myself with calories. 1635 of them.
-------------
In other news, what I wanted to talk about was much simpler. It's dealing with my work. I work at a wine and cheese shop, and I'm learning some tough lessons from it. All the ladies out there struggling with body issues, I recommend never ever doing it. First of all, I'm in the public eye all day long. People seem to have nothing better to talk about than how I look. I guess I get it, sometimes I compliment a cashier on her nails or hair or blouse. It's a safer topic than politics or religion. But it makes a lady very self conscious to get 5-10 comments per day on my appearance from total strangers.
Secondly, older women especially want to talk about weight all the time. They want to tell me that cheese and charcuterie go straight to the hips, or when I recommend one product or another they say, 'well it can't be that fattening, you've still got your figure'! Or they tell me that they don't want one of my recommendations on wine or cocktails because they're watching their weight and they give me an up-and-down stare as if I ought to be watching my weight as well. HA! It's all a big fucking joke isn't it? I'm kind of a doughy average weight. I have no illusions. I'm not fatter than the majority of people, I'm just not as thin as I'd like to be. But you know what? It's my problem and my business and none of theirs. They don't need to compare themselves to me or tell me that my weight is fine as long as I don't gain an ounce or any other bullshit. I'm here to cut cheese and tell you about french wine. That's it.
Fuck it all, you can see what kind of mood I'm in. I'm going to bed early now so I can wake up early and go for a run before I bike to work. I just don't want to be fat, and I don't want to start smoking again, and I want everything to fit together and I don't want people judging me at work but the only way for it to stop is to be perfectperfectperfect.
good night my dears, I'll be reading your blogs and I do love you, and I love you for your struggle and your understanding, and I really don't give a shit what number is on your scale, only that you're sharing that feeling with me.
A.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
the week in review
Sorry I'm not posting more, things are a bit of a jumble. I've been eating a lot of shit this week, but otherwise my goals have gone pretty well.
I biked to work 5 days, and bked on my day off.
I worked out once and went on one 20 minute run
I didn't have a single cigarette. Not one!
now the bad:
I ate dim sum, 5 chocolate chip cookies (because I smoked pot), onion rings, and fried fish last week.
I spent upwards of $80 going out
still no scale, going to go pack my lunch and bike to work, and strive for improvement this week. Went running yesterday as well.
A.
I biked to work 5 days, and bked on my day off.
I worked out once and went on one 20 minute run
I didn't have a single cigarette. Not one!
now the bad:
I ate dim sum, 5 chocolate chip cookies (because I smoked pot), onion rings, and fried fish last week.
I spent upwards of $80 going out
still no scale, going to go pack my lunch and bike to work, and strive for improvement this week. Went running yesterday as well.
A.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
ugh life goals quickly!
Okay. That's it. It's time for me to get back on track. No excuses about having too much going on to focus on making myself a better person. Here are my basic, simple goals for the month of November:
1) bike to work at least 4 days a week
2) count calories, and never have more than 500 a day from alcohol
3) pick up running again, and run at least twice a week
4) stop smoking
5) buy a scale again.
That's what I blame most of all. My scale went on the fritz, told me I gained 12 lbs overnight. I knew it was wrong, I checked other scales, but then I was just so pissed that I stopped using my scale and ddn't buy a new one. Now I probably weigh 150. I have no idea actually. I don't exercise, and I eat cheese all day. Blech.
Okay I'll post more late, I just had to get those goals out of my head and on paper.
1) bike to work at least 4 days a week
2) count calories, and never have more than 500 a day from alcohol
3) pick up running again, and run at least twice a week
4) stop smoking
5) buy a scale again.
That's what I blame most of all. My scale went on the fritz, told me I gained 12 lbs overnight. I knew it was wrong, I checked other scales, but then I was just so pissed that I stopped using my scale and ddn't buy a new one. Now I probably weigh 150. I have no idea actually. I don't exercise, and I eat cheese all day. Blech.
Okay I'll post more late, I just had to get those goals out of my head and on paper.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
have you missed me?
It's been two months to the day since my last post. I don't know. It's funky having this community that you love but that you recognize as a part of your sick self. And I never want to be unsupportive of all the beautiful ladies here, but sometimes I do drop the ball when I'm feeling particularly ashamed of myself. Since Juy I got a job, shaved part of my head, am in the process of moving out of my parents' house.
I work at a wine and cheese shop guys. On paper, it's hard for me to imagine a worse place. I literally stand around all day and give people samples of cheese and charcuterie. I get free drinks (normally to me, non-alcoholic drinks are DEATH*. I run screaming. They terrify me). But actually, the shop has a lot of dry soda, a kind of pop with amazing flavors that are pretty low calorie and not sickeningly sweet. I usually have blood orange, cucumber, or rhubarb. And working with cheese I think is actually making me lose weight. For one thing, I never crave cheese at home. For another, cheese really stifles my appetite. I have a few bites during the morning with the samples I give out, and I almost never want lunch. Occasionally I'll have an orange, or a slice of peach from the market, but I'm just not hungry.
Oh yeah, the market. I work under the Pike Place Market. It's fantastic. Sure, there are a lot of tourists, but it's also an incredibly vibrant environment of street performers, freaks, and fresh produce. I adore it. And I get to play dress-up all day because the shop is slightly classy, so I have two new pencil skirts :D.
Speaking of which- tailoring. Has anyone done it? I have a lot of clothes, I collect them like mad, but I very rarely buy them, and even more rarely buy them new. That means a lot of clothes that are great, but fit slightly funny. Suit jackets, skirts, button-downs etc. that could all look great if they were just slightly more fitted. I think it's going to be my gift to myself for some milestone... one month at work? My first raise? Moving out of the house? But I have no idea the expense or the magic they can work. We'll see!
Okay this is a silly long post without much content, because I haven't written in forEVER but I promise I'll get back into the swing of things pretty soon here.
x's and o's
Adrian
*except coffee. Duh.
deleted
I work at a wine and cheese shop guys. On paper, it's hard for me to imagine a worse place. I literally stand around all day and give people samples of cheese and charcuterie. I get free drinks (normally to me, non-alcoholic drinks are DEATH*. I run screaming. They terrify me). But actually, the shop has a lot of dry soda, a kind of pop with amazing flavors that are pretty low calorie and not sickeningly sweet. I usually have blood orange, cucumber, or rhubarb. And working with cheese I think is actually making me lose weight. For one thing, I never crave cheese at home. For another, cheese really stifles my appetite. I have a few bites during the morning with the samples I give out, and I almost never want lunch. Occasionally I'll have an orange, or a slice of peach from the market, but I'm just not hungry.
Oh yeah, the market. I work under the Pike Place Market. It's fantastic. Sure, there are a lot of tourists, but it's also an incredibly vibrant environment of street performers, freaks, and fresh produce. I adore it. And I get to play dress-up all day because the shop is slightly classy, so I have two new pencil skirts :D.
Speaking of which- tailoring. Has anyone done it? I have a lot of clothes, I collect them like mad, but I very rarely buy them, and even more rarely buy them new. That means a lot of clothes that are great, but fit slightly funny. Suit jackets, skirts, button-downs etc. that could all look great if they were just slightly more fitted. I think it's going to be my gift to myself for some milestone... one month at work? My first raise? Moving out of the house? But I have no idea the expense or the magic they can work. We'll see!
Okay this is a silly long post without much content, because I haven't written in forEVER but I promise I'll get back into the swing of things pretty soon here.
x's and o's
Adrian
*except coffee. Duh.
Friday, July 8, 2011
falling off the wagon
I miss oscar so badly it hurts. I don't imagine us being some perfect happy couple. I would prefer it if we each had our own lovers actually. But I just miss him here next to me. I went to look through my photobooth album, and I ran across a video of the two of us together from a few months ago. We mumble, we understand one another, we sometimes don't speak and just move each other's bodies. No one else knows me like this, holds me like this.
But that's completely tangential. I'm probably just feelign like I need a true friend, and Oscar's not around. Boo fucking hoo. The last week or so has been very bad. I've been drinking more than usual and not running. In fact, I think I had my first real, adult 'bender'. I did nothing for four days straight except wake up late, drink, pass out late, wake up, and do it again. Inter-mixed was a lot of eating shit food, meeting random strangers, and getting injured. I am covered in little bruises, bite marks, and cuts. Nearly each one can be attributed to alcohol.
It ended yesterday around 5 p.m. I just got tired and said, 'huh, I think I'm done now' and started drinking water and going to bed. Today however has been marked with regrets and weird behavior. Right now for instance, I've been working my way through and entire loaf of bread chew-and-spit style. It started during dinner. I had the feeling I was eating too much and realized there was no one around to care if I chewed and spat. So there went the rest of the box of macaroni and cheese, and here goes a loaf of bread. Then maybe some m & m's, or chips, we'll see. when I'm in the middle of a spit-and-chew, I don't feel bad at all, you know? I feel compulsive, yeah, but somehow, very very safe. Like this is the binge, I won't feel bloated afterwards. Sure, it means my mind is fucked up, but at least it won't fuck up my body TOO much.
Oh as to an update of the highlights of the last few days:
hung out with my heroin addict friends for a couple of days, it is unspeakably nice to have them back in my life. And so so so different from when they were into their shit, they've just become nice, wiser, more humble young men who seem genuinely excited to talk to people and work things out.
fucked that girl I met in the park at Pride, it was a real trip, I'll write more about it later if anyone cares to know the details. I'd like to see her again but something has been keeping me from actually hitting her up again.
I've been house sitting for my cousins the last few days which is great for me in the sense that I feel like I have an iota of independence, not so great in that I'm also becoming painfully aware of the need for me to get the fuck out of Seattle. I just have to make the decision between San Francisco and NYC, and make it quick while I still have a little money so I can support myself for a move.
Along those lines, I've been attempting to apply for jobs in NYC and San Francisco, but so far no one has even contacted me back. Kind of a bummer, I feel really qualified. Of course, you lovelies get to see my darkest moments, but in general I'm an excellent employee. I've never missed a day of work at my last two jobs, and always work extra, in fact.
So yeah, haven't been running, have been binge eating and drinking every day, most certainly weight close to 145 right now I would bet. And I'm eating a fucking loaf of bread right now and spitting it into a bowl. This is not a good moment for me at all. Yet I feel like tomorrow is the turn around, and I feel okay about it. So don't worry about me, and I'll be up on y'alls blogs commenting shortly.
Love,
Adrian
But that's completely tangential. I'm probably just feelign like I need a true friend, and Oscar's not around. Boo fucking hoo. The last week or so has been very bad. I've been drinking more than usual and not running. In fact, I think I had my first real, adult 'bender'. I did nothing for four days straight except wake up late, drink, pass out late, wake up, and do it again. Inter-mixed was a lot of eating shit food, meeting random strangers, and getting injured. I am covered in little bruises, bite marks, and cuts. Nearly each one can be attributed to alcohol.
It ended yesterday around 5 p.m. I just got tired and said, 'huh, I think I'm done now' and started drinking water and going to bed. Today however has been marked with regrets and weird behavior. Right now for instance, I've been working my way through and entire loaf of bread chew-and-spit style. It started during dinner. I had the feeling I was eating too much and realized there was no one around to care if I chewed and spat. So there went the rest of the box of macaroni and cheese, and here goes a loaf of bread. Then maybe some m & m's, or chips, we'll see. when I'm in the middle of a spit-and-chew, I don't feel bad at all, you know? I feel compulsive, yeah, but somehow, very very safe. Like this is the binge, I won't feel bloated afterwards. Sure, it means my mind is fucked up, but at least it won't fuck up my body TOO much.
Oh as to an update of the highlights of the last few days:
hung out with my heroin addict friends for a couple of days, it is unspeakably nice to have them back in my life. And so so so different from when they were into their shit, they've just become nice, wiser, more humble young men who seem genuinely excited to talk to people and work things out.
fucked that girl I met in the park at Pride, it was a real trip, I'll write more about it later if anyone cares to know the details. I'd like to see her again but something has been keeping me from actually hitting her up again.
I've been house sitting for my cousins the last few days which is great for me in the sense that I feel like I have an iota of independence, not so great in that I'm also becoming painfully aware of the need for me to get the fuck out of Seattle. I just have to make the decision between San Francisco and NYC, and make it quick while I still have a little money so I can support myself for a move.
Along those lines, I've been attempting to apply for jobs in NYC and San Francisco, but so far no one has even contacted me back. Kind of a bummer, I feel really qualified. Of course, you lovelies get to see my darkest moments, but in general I'm an excellent employee. I've never missed a day of work at my last two jobs, and always work extra, in fact.
So yeah, haven't been running, have been binge eating and drinking every day, most certainly weight close to 145 right now I would bet. And I'm eating a fucking loaf of bread right now and spitting it into a bowl. This is not a good moment for me at all. Yet I feel like tomorrow is the turn around, and I feel okay about it. So don't worry about me, and I'll be up on y'alls blogs commenting shortly.
Love,
Adrian
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
no love for the chubbs in this adorable article.
yesterday was well, not at all perfect. I'd like to say today will be better, but man I really need a pep talk or a healthy buddy or something. It is really hard that my social life is linked in to all of these unhealthy habits. I feel a little trapped, and I know I can't blame my shortcomings on the people around me, but I also know that when I'm spending time with people who don't drink or smoke, then I'm less likely to drink and smoke as well! The problem is, I don't know anyone like that right now except my sister. So maybe I'll try to have a night in with my sister?
Yesterday I ate a small slice of salami and four almonds for breakfast, then ran 4.2 miles, did my abs workout, finished 6 pull-ups (!) in a row, (did just 10 total). Then I had a little fruit salad (mango, grapes blueberries, strawberries, and apple) and some walnuts for a snack, and had an okay portion of dinner (pork roast, fresh peas, and two glasses of red wine). If I had stopped there, the day would have been perfect. I would have been netted at 718, I would have had no cigarettes and no beer and no late night eating.
HAH. I went out and drank three quarters of a bottle of white wine and had a bush light. Had probably 5 cigs, ate a piece of chocolate, then came home and ate some artichoke hearts with goat cheese (wtf drunken self, that was your binge of choice?) So I ended up netting 211 over my absolute highest goal, so I'd like to work that off as extra today.
It's funny how if I hadn't taken the time to go through and count all that up, I probably would have thought I was much more over my daily limit, and might have gotten totally demotivated for the week. It's so important to count, even when I'm trying to eat healthy amounts, I've got to remember that.
anyways, I'm going to go get started on my day I guess. No news from the job people, I guess I probably didn't get it :( but there's a listing today for a shipwright's assistant to maybe I'll go run off and become a pirate/wench.
Mich and A.beautiful.mess thank you both for your comments. The rules didn't sound so bad in the light of day but as soon as I made the decision to leave the house in the evening, BAM. I guess I need to pretend to be a wuss and just say 'oh no, I got too drunk last night and felt awful today'. Actually, I'm sure I am going to feel last night's shenanigans when I hop on the treadmill today. Maybe it's a day to swim some.
Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
Actually, I'm just about the opposite. I've worked in slaughter operations for the last four years and grew up in a bow hunting family. I helped skin my first deer at age 4. That said, I've seen first hand the difference between a small farming operation and a factory farm in an animal's life and death, and it is drastic. I would like to eat only ethical meat, and have been trying to switch over to that for about a week now. It's a rough transition and sometimes I mess up, but generally I've been doing well on it. It means less meat, choosing fish rather than land-animals often, and buying more expensive free range local foods. The problem is being dependent on my parents and not wanting to be rude. I've never tried to be vegetarian, but I realized that part of that might be the rudeness thing. I rarely tell someone I won't eat what they've cooked/offered me, I just pick at it, compliment it, and leave it on the plate. I somehow can't bare to tell people that they've made food for me and I'm being stuck up about it. So yeah, I'm doing better on the meat thing, but I need to get more serious about it and just make more side dishes so I can avoid the ones with meat. Tonight we're having sushi (home made) so it should be easier!
lovins'
Adrian
p.s. steam punk thinspo? don't question, I'm just feeling nerdy. I may play a little dress-ups when I get home from the gym.
yesterday was well, not at all perfect. I'd like to say today will be better, but man I really need a pep talk or a healthy buddy or something. It is really hard that my social life is linked in to all of these unhealthy habits. I feel a little trapped, and I know I can't blame my shortcomings on the people around me, but I also know that when I'm spending time with people who don't drink or smoke, then I'm less likely to drink and smoke as well! The problem is, I don't know anyone like that right now except my sister. So maybe I'll try to have a night in with my sister?
Yesterday I ate a small slice of salami and four almonds for breakfast, then ran 4.2 miles, did my abs workout, finished 6 pull-ups (!) in a row, (did just 10 total). Then I had a little fruit salad (mango, grapes blueberries, strawberries, and apple) and some walnuts for a snack, and had an okay portion of dinner (pork roast, fresh peas, and two glasses of red wine). If I had stopped there, the day would have been perfect. I would have been netted at 718, I would have had no cigarettes and no beer and no late night eating.
HAH. I went out and drank three quarters of a bottle of white wine and had a bush light. Had probably 5 cigs, ate a piece of chocolate, then came home and ate some artichoke hearts with goat cheese (wtf drunken self, that was your binge of choice?) So I ended up netting 211 over my absolute highest goal, so I'd like to work that off as extra today.
It's funny how if I hadn't taken the time to go through and count all that up, I probably would have thought I was much more over my daily limit, and might have gotten totally demotivated for the week. It's so important to count, even when I'm trying to eat healthy amounts, I've got to remember that.
anyways, I'm going to go get started on my day I guess. No news from the job people, I guess I probably didn't get it :( but there's a listing today for a shipwright's assistant to maybe I'll go run off and become a pirate/wench.
Mich and A.beautiful.mess thank you both for your comments. The rules didn't sound so bad in the light of day but as soon as I made the decision to leave the house in the evening, BAM. I guess I need to pretend to be a wuss and just say 'oh no, I got too drunk last night and felt awful today'. Actually, I'm sure I am going to feel last night's shenanigans when I hop on the treadmill today. Maybe it's a day to swim some.
Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
Actually, I'm just about the opposite. I've worked in slaughter operations for the last four years and grew up in a bow hunting family. I helped skin my first deer at age 4. That said, I've seen first hand the difference between a small farming operation and a factory farm in an animal's life and death, and it is drastic. I would like to eat only ethical meat, and have been trying to switch over to that for about a week now. It's a rough transition and sometimes I mess up, but generally I've been doing well on it. It means less meat, choosing fish rather than land-animals often, and buying more expensive free range local foods. The problem is being dependent on my parents and not wanting to be rude. I've never tried to be vegetarian, but I realized that part of that might be the rudeness thing. I rarely tell someone I won't eat what they've cooked/offered me, I just pick at it, compliment it, and leave it on the plate. I somehow can't bare to tell people that they've made food for me and I'm being stuck up about it. So yeah, I'm doing better on the meat thing, but I need to get more serious about it and just make more side dishes so I can avoid the ones with meat. Tonight we're having sushi (home made) so it should be easier!
lovins'
Adrian
p.s. steam punk thinspo? don't question, I'm just feeling nerdy. I may play a little dress-ups when I get home from the gym.
Monday, June 27, 2011
I'm gaining
ugh gross gross. It's that damn weekend and my utter lack of self control. Of course I stopd counting calories. That's what happens. I go like one day f not counting because it feels like I'm doing alright, and then BAM I'm wolfing down pie and steak by the fistful and drinking 10 beers a day.
I'm back over 140 right now. I'm actually at 143 this morning. So 5 lbs in a week? Hah! I know part of it is that drinking is making me retain water I know that part of it is that I didn't run the last two days. I walked at least 6 miles over the last two days, but it was mostly pub crawling, and running was not involved.
Oh pub crawling though. It was a pretty great pride. I felt somehow, incredibly proud to be a gay lady. I danced all night feeling the bass pound in my throat, I strutted all day in heels and a military hat, running through fountains and drinking champagne on the street.
Then I woke up this morning and was fat again. Soooo I guess I'm going to just be really careful about counting this week and expect a modest loss. I'm not going to drink. Did you read that? I'm not going to drink. The only people I'd be going out with are my friends from around here and um, have I told y'all about them?
They get together every single night and play beer pong and smoke weed. Every night of the week. Pretty much all of them are ex-heroin users, and they just don't have a lot of motivation. I'm proud of them for getting clean, and we were all great friends through elementary and high school, but frankly it feels a little stagnant and a little toxic to hang out with them. It makes me smoke more, drink more, run less, and care less.
Speaking of running my plan today is to go out and try to get myself some good running shoes. I know I said I'd wait until I could run 10 miles in a row, but now that I'm running at least 4 a day, I'm getting really bad ankle pain and I'd like it to stop. So the plan in the bike to the shoe store, get some running shoes, then try to go on a nice long run. Ugh or maybe I'll dick-off and just run to the gym, run, do weights, and run home. Run, do weights, swim, and run home? intriguing.
I'm supposed to be doing dinner with my sister tonight, so I should try not to eat the rest of the day..maybe a piece of fruit or something when I get back from my run. Luckily she's having a friend over who has a gluten allergy, so we should be safe from refined carbs :D
Sorry for the kind of aimless post, I'm just feeling lost on my weight loss. Off track. Determined, but facing the wrong direction. I'll make it back.
Oh last but not least, I'm going to try a 'perfect week challenge' (something I saw on tumblr). It's 3 exercise rules and four diet rules that you have to complete every single day, and if you make it you reward yourself at the end. I can't really think of any rewards right now, so I'll work on that. but here go four rules for a truly perfect week for me:
1) no beer. No Beer. That simple. I realize I might end up pressured into some wine or something, and I should try to resist. But beer is always my own fucking fault. So, no beer.
2) no cigarettes. None. If I'm not drinking beer, this shouldn't be a problem.
3) no potatoes.
4) no late night eating.
5) run six days a week
6) abs 4 days a week
7) go on walks with my father/ sister 3 days a week
whew! that sounds do-able!
All my love,
Adrian.
p.s. more questions:
Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?
I have 119 written on the side, which would be the absolute lowest weight i could maintain with an officially 'healthy' BMI. but the fact of the matter is I'm pretty muscular, and when my weight drops before 125 I think I'll be well under a healthy body fat %. When I hit under 130 (haha that;s SO far away) I will go and get my body fat checked because I'd like to know what I'm at. I don't want to try and maintain something unhealthy, if it turns out I'd perform better at 126 than 119, I'll try and keep it at 126.
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