'settling'

Hello, dear hearts.

I'm settling in-- I'm settling for less. There's no room in this house for me and I don't really want there to be room. My parents and my sister are thrilled to have me back. They love how helpful I am, how I mediate their relationships, how I'm always there to lend a hand or an ear. I hate it. I'm having trouble unpacking my boxes. I want them to stay wrapped up tight; I don't want to give any part of my real self over to this place. That secret self I've developed over the last four years, learning to come out, speak up, take what I want and defend myself- she disappears within these walls. I'm hiding out in my bedroom and I've drank an entire bottle of champagne today.

I did go on a jog this morning, but my sister asked me to take her Chihuahua for a walk and he couldn't keep up so I ended up walking for about a mile then putting him in my backpack so I could at least jog a little.

 So much for my exercise, I'll just have to go back out this evening. My family eats SO poorly and doesn't exercise and I'm trying to figure out what I can do. Of course, they think that I'm 'naturally thin' and worry about me when I let my knowledge of nutrition or desire to eat healthily show. It's all, "why would *you* worry? You're fine! you can eat whatever you want!" HAH. I think we all know that's not true. In fact, I'm sure I've gained 5 lbs over the last two weeks between my parents taking me out to dinner and driving across the country getting no exercise and having to eat out with my parents. Well, things start getting better today.

I made a big brunch for a few of my friends (hence the bottle of champagne, I wasn't THAT pathetic) and for myself had two pieces of bacon and the fresh fruit. For the rest of the day I can eat the fruit bowl- apple, peach, and tangerine, then I'll make a healthy dinner for my folks later on. Remember that CSA I signed them up for last summer? My hope was that it would put more fruits and veggies in the house and they would start to eat them. Somehow they've managed to turn even that into an awful food trap. They ordered the bread and milk to be delivered as well so that means there is ALWAYS more bread and milk coming and get this: because they were visiting me, something went wrong with the milk delivery and now there are about four gallons in the fridge.

And they want me to drink it or cook with it or *whatever*. Ew, ew, ew. Milk and I do not get along. Granted, it's all non-fat, but really? You want me to cook you a healthy meal and use at least a gallon of milk (they suggested potato soup)? that's 1372 calories, Split three ways, that's 457 calories just in milk. It just makes me want to

They all wonder why they have diabetes, but none of them will work out or stop eating milk and potatoes with every meal. When I ask them to run or swim with me, they say their knees are too bad, they don't enjoy it, they feels self conscious in swim suits or gym clothes. Well shit, I don't like running either. I don't look good in a bathing suit. And I don't want sleep apnea and diabetes in my twenties. I want to be healthy god damn-it, and more than that, I want to be thin. And more than THAT I want to have some fucking control over my life.

So there's my rant, my manifesto, my desire to man the fuck up. You can all expect more frequent updates from me now, I'll probably be spending much more time alone in my room now that I've moved away from almost all of my friends. I miss them terribly, but I will just have to spend my time focusing on myself now, and that's alright too.

Do what you need to do darlings, I'll be checking up on your blogs today. Oh and does anyone have Zette's contact info? during my hiatus she made her blog private and I'd like to still follow if anyone can tell me where to send her a message.

-Adrian

very fast update

there's no way I could write enough to explain right now, but I'm okay.

I graduated from college
I drove across the country (almost all the way, Massachusetts to Montana so far, Seattle by tomorrow night)
I hit and killed a deer, totaling my car (it's totaled, but I'm still driving it, yes)
My friend was killed in a bus crash yesterday. Can't say much about that now.
Everything I've put in my mouth has disgusted me, except:
I slept with a girl who I have liked for a very, very long time and maybe this could be a thing.


I promise to update when I get back to Seattle and I can start diet and exercise and getting myself together. Things are clearly out of control at the moment in innumerable ways.

Please tell someone how much you love them today. I was lucky to survive my crash yesterday, but my friend didn't survive his and he was smart and kind and shiny-bright.

All of you. I love all of you. And you deserve to be happy. And death is random and senseless. And we are looking for order in chaos. And it will never be there and the dead will never come back no matter how strongly they burned or how carefully they saved themselves. So burn bright my dears.

-Adrian

it's all unraveling

Hi beauty-queens-in-progress

Well, I'm on round two of breakfast espresso. And I'm wearing makeup for once. Yay!

haha I think I was attempting "sultry" here. Um, no.

Anyways,  I've just been busy packing up my house and saying goodbye to college friends FOREVER. Maybe it's not really forever, but it feels a lot like that. These are people for whom I make dinner every night, who I spend more time with than my biological family, whom I lurv with the fury of a thousand kittens. Over the last four years, I've grown so much, but so much of that growth has been about carving out this niche where I can be comfortable with friends, where I have people to lean on and to whom I can lend support. So yeah, I'm majorly bummed out. I can't even really think about myself because part of me just doesn't give a shit. 

It's also been raining for three days, and it's projected to continue through the next week. It seems like God doesn't even want us to enjoy our last days together. Oscar and I have been drinking beer during the day, taking long walks in the rain to various 'secret spots' we've found over the years: a special overpass with a beautiful view, a waterfall, a lake, a little teahouse someone hid in the woods. We don't talk much.  We swat mosquitos off one another and then we hold hands for a bit until we get too cold and our beers are gone and we walk home again.

I'm sorry, this post is really bumming me out. I feel like we're all being scattered to the winds, but my gust is blowing me straight back into my parents house. I owe the government $24,500 for my education. I am now beholden. I am currently broke, with about $40 to my name, which I need to spend on an oil change for my car. That way I can drive back to my parents house and live with them until I get a job and make enough money to move out.

I'm sure some of you must empathize with this feeling, I know many of us have issues around parents and control. I'm not sure what will happen if I move back in with my parents (did I mention my sister and her husband live with them as well? oh yeah, one big happy house). I know that whenever I do go back, I'm triggered mercilessly. Part of me wants this. Part of me is thinking 'oh good Adrian, now you can get your ass into gear' and part of me fears this SO much because I fear losing my independence. Losing weight is a way for me to have my own world. It includes all of you, this blog, my time at the gym, my notes, my thoughts, the things people don't know about me. But the only reason it works for me is because I am also functioning as an adult in the world. I'm worried if I move back in with my parents, my ED might spiral out of control and make me dependent on them, make me revert to prepubescence.

Oh god, and Oscar just went off to be with his new boyfriend. It just makes me so--what? so angry, hurt. He told me the other night that he wanted to 'go away' with me and spend a day together before my parents came that could just be ours and totally separate. Ha. Well they're coming on thursday and instead he's spending the whole day and night with this guy who he just met last week and the two of them are going on a romantic getaway to the one place Oscar and I would have gone (a waterfall an hour north of here with a bar/bookstore). He's so fucking pathetic, he has no idea how to love anyone and so he just goes from person to person, fucking it up and then moving on to the next idiot who falls for his tricks. I'm really, really tired of being dragged along with him. But I'm also going to miss him. Fuck.

this is how I'm feeling, pretty perfectly:

I've got to go, this is all just too depressing to talk about. Hopefully I can be back to update more positively soon.

-Adrian

the boys wanna be her, the girls wanna be her.

Hello my skinny-minnies!

I'd like to say good morning, but I just looked at the clock and it's already 12:30. Eep! where did this morning go? I woke up and went for a jog, that's where. Oh man, I was jogging along the rail road tracks thinking, 'I really hope a train doesn't hit me' and I completely took the wrong fork. I ended up putting an extra half hour on my jog that I hadn't intended looping back around. So that's pretty much a bonus, except the entire jog back was on the side of a highway (no sidewalk) in no shade with no water. TL; DR: wah, wah, I'm a baby. I got home and took a nice long cold shower and now I'm settling into a big glass of water and some internet. 

So yesterday exercise: I ran to the gym, did 10 minutes of HIIT and then 40 minutes of weights and ran back. All in all, about an hour and a half of work, because I had to meet a repairman back t my apartment :(. But my friend Beast has been staying over the last couple of days, and since they use a wheel chair, I'm getting the extra workout of carrying them up and down flights of stairs (six in total yesterday). I also made an amazing Chili Verde last night for my friends. Pork shoulder, tomatillos, onions, poblano chilies, jalepeno chilies, yellow bell peppers, cilantro, garlic, chicken broth, and sweet potato. My own recipe, and pretty damn good! had a cucumber and tomato salad on the side to cool off the spicy taste. I basically just cooked it for 3 hours in my new dutch oven :D. 

Speaking of which: two days ago, I got a new dutch oven! This really rather sexy professor with whom I've never actually taken a class, told me she heard I like cast iron and she got two dutch ovens for christmas, so would I like one as a graduation present? um. duh. 

I also presented my work at a conference which went really well and made me realize how passionate I am about my academic research. Working on one project for so long can make you feel completely stagnant and burnt out, but to present it to a roomful of people who haven't heard anything on the topic mkes you realize just how much work you've done and how important you think it is. So yay! I don't hate my work. That day I also ended up doing a little coke binge with my friends and not eating much. I also didn't exercise except for one stupid thing: hat tricks. 

Are any of you the kind of perfectionist/ ambitionist who just can't see a trick without wanting to try it? My friend had a top hat over at my house, and I got obsessed with trying to stand on one foot and flip the hat with my other foot onto my head. I couldn't do it, so I spent about 40 minutes trying straight. I was actually covered in sweat from standing one foot and jumping around trying to catch this hat on my head. So there you go, instant workout. Oh, and I did start to get it at the end, but I was too exhausted to keep going. 

So I guess that's all my news, I'll find some lovely pics to post later on in the day. 

-Adrian

blogging from the gym, whoooo

Hello ladies who do not lunch!

I'm writing you all from a treadmill:

yep, here I am.

It's actually really peaceful in this gym today, no one else is here. I can be on all my websites and motivate myself, hell I could probably work out nude if I wanted to. It's a beautiful day and 5:00 pm, so maybe everyone is outside enjoying the sun. I didn't bring my workout shoes though, so I'm just barefooting it on an indoor treadmill. 

I've eaten quite a bit today, and although it hasn't been carbs, that's no excuse. I had grilled chicken, one scrambled egg with basil/garlic and 1/8 cup yogurt. I would kill to just have salad, but there's all this free chicken available blah blah same old excuses. I almost didn't make it to the gym today. I woke up ready to go, and then Brian flaked on me, so I thought I'd work out at my college gym, but when I got here it turns out they were having a special celebration for students of color (I know, I'm not looking TOO colorful these days, but I'm Native American, and they were giving me mention. So I went, and ate chicken. And then I walked around the free boxes at my school and got SO many cute things. Wow, I can't wait to show them off, but I will do it when I'm at home and keep my ass on the machine for now. 

Anyways, I was giving myself every excuse. I told myself that I worked out enough yesterday (2.5 hours, but only 1/2 hour cardio) and shouldn't push it today. Bullshit, I can at least walk on a treadmill and do an abs workout. I'll just leave the running/ lifting for tomorrow. 

Speaking of lifting, I'm going to record a boring chart here for myself of the weight I'm doing so I can remember tomorrow. By the way I just designed myself my own little program, but basically I'm doing 5x5s with about a thirty second break between sets, planning on a 5 lbs. increase per session, 3 session per week. 

chest press: 85 lbs

lat raises: 25 lbs

row: 70 lbs

fly: 90 lbs

pull downs: 100 lbs

shoulder press: 50 lbs

bicep curls: 45 lbs

triceps extends: 65 lbs

abs now with a 25 lbs weight. 

ugh a girl just walked up now and she has a pair of running shows with her and the machine next to me is broken and I bet she wants my machine. Fuck. I just got here! no fair. I guess I could switch to the elliptical, but I think it would be harder to type to y'all. Alright well I guess I'll let her take the machine? Maybe in 15 minutes. I don't know, I feel like she probably deserves it more since I'm just doing a steep uphill walk and she'll probably actually be jogging. But I was here first! I've only burnt 80 cals so far according to the machine, hardly even worth it. But she's just sitting there like, *waiting* for me to stop.

Okay I'll just finish out 200 cals really quickly and then try and switch over to the elliptical and see if I can still use my laptop because it is amazingly motivating to be able to read your blogs while I do this. Keeps the boredom away, keeps the inspiration flowing. 

oops update I think she just left. Score!

okay I'm sure I'll be back to posting pretty-girl thinspo pretty soon, but for today, we're still on teh fitspo track (mostly)

\

is that last lady a dude? maybe, I don't mind. 

sweaty hugs and kisses (and now at 200 calories, and might as well keep going for 500),

-Adrian

 

mmm brunch made for weight lifting

First of all, thank you to  Kari and Ariana for the lovely comments. I hope wonderful things come after this, and I know I can work to make them happen. I'm interested in grad school, but not for a couple of years. My current pipe dream is to move to San Francisco and teach rock climbing for a while (it's a sport I did for 13 years) and save up some money. Mostly I want to be anchorless, I want to be able to take whatever opportunities peak my interest, whether that's going to Paris to be with Oscar, road tripping around the U.S., biking to Mexico...anything!


But on to today: I had a wonderful breakfast/lunch (I'm actually eating it right now) so I thought I'd share:

Om nom nom nom! so on the left, four strawberries sliced (8), ten black grapes sliced (30), all on a half cup of plain, nonfat yogurt (65) total: 103. But as you can see, if you switched up the fruits or used more strawberries and less grapes, you could shave off probably 20 calories there. It's also 6 grams of protein, yaaay.

On the right, I cut up 1/4 small onion (6) and steamed it with 1/2 cup baby spinach (5), with a little salt, pepper, and lemon zest. Then I threw in two egg whites(43) and a clove of chopped garlic(4). This shit was really tasty. Total: 58. also 6.5 grams of protein.


Oh so good, although now I have four egg yolks (had egg whites for breakfast two days ago) so I'll have to cook up something for the boys tonight.

I really want to get off the weight machines and start doing free weights, but I don't have a gym partner right now (usually, I go with Brian, but he's been playing squash lately instead of weight lifting and isn't picking up his phone) so I'm worried about having bad form and no spotter. I haven't had someone show me how to bench press, for instance, in about ten years. Bah, whatever, enough worrying and whining, I'm going to finish my coffee and hit the gym! It's a beautiful day out, I think after I work out I'm going to jog to the lake and see if it's warm enough to swim :D

Enjoy the spring day, and I promise I will start commenting on y'alls posts late this evening.

-Adrian

abs, muscles, fitness. I have to believe I can make myself both thin and strong, not just thin and sick looking. That last picture is almost perfection, I'd want to be just slightly less bulky. 

fresh and clean, I passed college, today is Pride

Oh hello! I'm feeling amazingly well this morning. Yesterday I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and made all sorts of tasty things for my final meeting (the meeting that lets me pass college, one of the most important meetings of my life gahhh) but also that I could eat. I made bruschetta, strawberry shortcakes, and a fruit salad with black grapes, figs, apples, oranges, bananas, and strawberries. I didn't eat the shortcake/whipped cream obviously, so really I was just having some fruits, tomato/basil, and a piece of toast. My meeting went well, I passed! I passed! so now I'm not in school anymore.


I graduated. I'm done. And you know what? It makes me feel a little bit scared. A little bit excited. Kind of like when you're coming up on hallucinogens: I know this could be completely amazing, but there's a slight chance it will suck, and there's no going back now so I'll just be a bit queasy and wait.

What else... well, I drank a bottle of champagne and went to (hoo boy) nine different shows. It was insane. Movies, sculptures, poetry, creative writing, photography, painting, music, there was everything. It made me love my school a little bit, I was a little mushy (or maybe that was the bottle of champagne). After that though, I just came home and went to bed, reminding myself about ten times that 'if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer'. I had to assess my hunger a coupe times though because I kept wanting to just go check out the kitchen. I was just bored, so I cleaned the kitchen instead.

You know what's weird? I have two candy bars next to my bed, a twix and a reeses. And I keep telling myself that if I'm really hungry at night, I'll eat those, and I can't bring myself to do it because I know how awful they are. Meh, it's working for now.

So then this morning I woke up and went for a nice long jog (I finally got a good, supportive sports bra for my massive tits) and then came home and showered. So this is how I want my post-college life to be. I've been cutting down on smoking as well.

Well, I have to get going because I'm supposed to go to a brunch and then a barbecue (wish me luck on the self-restraint, I love brunch and barbecues, I just hope there are 1) sweet pastries which I hate and have no temptation and 2) a few healthy things like a veggie platter or some fruits.

After those dangerous situations there's the gay pride parade in my tow (it actually runs right outside my bedroom window) So I'm going to strip down, grease up, and try to make some lady-friends.

Lots of love and do wonderful things!

-Adrian

hello beautifuls, here's the skinny

hurr. Well, I'm completely sore this morning for the third day in a row, which is great. I didn't hit the gym yesterday because I was so amazingly hung over from a coke binge/drunk fest the night before. I stayed in bed until almost 7 pm and then crawled over to Brian's place for dinner. It was fairly healthy, steamed green beans and chicken breast poached in chicken broth with fresh shallot, tomato, and broccoli. I smoked some pot before dinner (something I almost never do) and hung out on the couch watching Top Chef and the Daily Show. Ugh, that is so boring, but I really could not bring myself to do anything more. I didn't have any cigarettes or alcohol though, which was really good!

Anyways, I've been thinking lately that I don't...hmm how to say this... I don't want to focus just on getting skinny right now. The body that I'm desiring is changing, I want sinewy muscles. I was a six pack, I want ripped shoulders on a tiny, fat-free frame. The more I come into myself a big queer-mo, the more I want not to be fragile, but to be scrappy as all hell. So! I'm increasing my protein intake, decreasing carbs, and starting to lift weights in addition to the cardio. I also know that muscle burns more calories than other disgusting flesh, so there you have it. Today I'm going up to that gym and teaching my body what's what.

Also along the lines of a confused gayelle, I've started binding my tits lately, anyone else ever do that? It's usually only when I go out, I wrap everything tight with a first aid bandage. Maybe this is extra weird, but it makes me feel a lot better about myself. I feel more in control, I feel more visibly queer, I feel strong. I can also see my gut stick out once my breasts are gone which is a real appetite suppressor (or it could be the tight binding that makes me a little nauseous). Either way, it's a great feeling, and probably has a lot to do with feeling like I control my body. I would absolutely LOVE both a binder and a corset, and I could just squeeze all my flesh in on itself and have its presence there all the time to remind me not to eat.

later....

Eek, I got a phone call from my mom and then totally forgot I had this open. So he only other things I've done are: some laundry, some dishes, and hour and a half at the gym, mostly weights (upper body and abs) 15 minutes on the elliptical and a 15 minute jog. Oh and I had breakfast: two egg whites, spinach, garlic, a piece of bacon, and two tablespoons of plain yogurt. I'm going to make a tomato soup for lunch I think with two tomatoes and chicken broth and a little more yogurt. Plain yogurt is definitely one of the 'safest' foods for me.

alright I'm off to shower because I stink! Be good to yourselves today, whatever that means :D

-Adrian

it's been so long

Y'all, I did not mean to leave you like this. Okay, at some point, on some level, I really did. I said to myself, 'Adrian, just don't go back. No goodbye post, just don't open that page.' Well, it worked in the sense that I've been gaining weight. Blech. And I've been eating regularly.

it's funny, I feel like when I'm financially stable I'm more likely to slip into restricton than when I'm broke. Anyone else have this? I've been really broke for the last couple of weeks, and so I haven't been able to buy anything. I like to restrict by eating a lot of fresh fruit and veggies, and guess what? that's wicked expensive. I've been surviving off of canned beans, chicken broth, carrots, and whatever free food is available. Luckily/unluckily, spring time at my college means FREE FOOD EVERYWHERE. But since I never know when my next opportunity will be, I tend to go a little nuts. Like Yesterday I had a hamburger and a veggie burger for breakfast (no buns). wtf? I've been having a lot of veggie platter, chips and salsa, pita and hummus, basically any kind of snack buffet at a gallery opening. Oh and the wine. Did I mention the wine? It's also everywhere. But anyways, my point is that when I feel insecure about having enough food available, I tend to eat everything that come across my path. I can't cook it, so I can't count the calories, it's an open table which means I feel like I'm competing with other people for the food, and it's almost always low quality. I can't wait to have a little more money around so I can just buy some veggies and make myself some soups/curries/stir fries and then not eat them. It's sick, I know.

Beyond that, what else is new? Oh, well this happened:

That's the burlesque troupe at our opening show (I'm in the middle with the blue heels). It was fun, I've only made about $100 off the troupe so far, plus free drinks n costumes, but it's been fun. I'll be sad to leave them. The woman to the left of me and the woman all the way on the right are amazing creatures, I really love them. But it's actually the woman to my right that made me come back and post.

You guys, she is kind of a mean girl. And she runs my troupe. And she used to be a skinny. I had no idea until yesterday. She was complaining about a mole on her face and said it was probably from tanning. I was all, 'no way, you're the queen of pale' or something inane, and she showed me photos from a couple of years ago. I was shocked. And it triggered/motivated me, so I thought I'd share.

So there you have it, a before and after of a lady who went from tanned out skinny blonde to curvy pin-up brunette. Barely recognizable huh? Now I must admit, I think her style has come a long way and she looks happier, healthier, and more polished now. But damn, I'd still rather be thin. And it makes me think about that whole 'oh everyone's body just has a natural type' thing. Bullshit. She looked one way at 95 lbs, and another at 150. She can work both looks, but they're both just styles. And I know which one I want.

I love you all, and I'm back ladies.

love,

Adrian.

P.S. I took some mushrooms last night and wandered around in an alice-in-wonderland dress climbing cherry trees. Remind me to talk about it next time.