no love for the chubbs in this adorable article.

yesterday was well, not at all perfect. I'd like to say today will be better, but man I really need a pep talk or a healthy buddy or something. It is really hard that my social life is linked in to all of these unhealthy habits.  I feel a little trapped, and I know I can't blame my shortcomings on the people around me, but I also know that when I'm spending time with people who don't drink or smoke, then I'm less likely to drink and smoke as well! The problem is, I don't know anyone like that right now except my sister. So maybe I'll try to have a night in with my sister?

Yesterday I ate a small slice of salami and four almonds for breakfast, then ran 4.2 miles, did my abs workout, finished 6 pull-ups (!) in a row, (did just 10 total). Then I had a little fruit salad (mango, grapes blueberries, strawberries, and apple) and some walnuts for a snack, and had an okay portion of dinner (pork roast, fresh peas, and two glasses of red wine). If I had stopped there, the day would have been perfect. I would have been netted at 718, I would have had no cigarettes and no beer and no late night eating.

HAH. I went out and drank three quarters of a bottle of white wine and had a bush light. Had probably 5 cigs, ate a piece of chocolate, then came home and ate some artichoke hearts with goat cheese (wtf drunken self, that was your binge of choice?) So I ended up netting 211 over my absolute highest goal, so I'd like to work that off as extra today.

It's funny how if I hadn't taken the time to go through and count all that up, I probably would have thought I was much more over my daily limit, and might have gotten totally demotivated for the week. It's so important to count, even when I'm trying to eat healthy amounts, I've got to remember that.

anyways, I'm going to go get started on my day I guess. No news from the job people, I guess I probably  didn't get it :( but there's a listing today for a shipwright's assistant to maybe I'll go run off and become a pirate/wench.

Mich and A.beautiful.mess thank you both for your comments. The rules didn't sound so bad in the light of day but as soon as I made the decision to leave the house in the evening, BAM. I guess I need to pretend to be a wuss and just say 'oh no, I got too drunk last night and felt awful today'. Actually, I'm sure I am going to feel last night's shenanigans when I hop on the treadmill today. Maybe it's a day to swim some. 


Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?


Actually, I'm just about the opposite. I've worked in slaughter operations for the last four years and grew up in a bow hunting family. I helped skin my first deer at age 4. That said, I've seen first hand the difference between a small farming operation and a factory farm in an animal's life and death, and it is drastic. I would like to eat only ethical meat, and have been trying to switch over to that for about a week now. It's a rough transition and sometimes I mess up, but generally I've been doing well on it. It means less meat, choosing fish rather than land-animals often, and buying more expensive free range local foods. The problem is being dependent on my parents and not wanting to be rude. I've never tried to be vegetarian, but I realized that part of that might be the rudeness thing. I rarely tell someone I won't eat what they've cooked/offered me, I just pick at it, compliment it, and leave it on the plate. I somehow can't bare to tell people that they've made food for me and I'm being stuck up about it. So yeah, I'm doing better on the meat thing, but I need to get more serious about it and just make more side dishes so I can avoid the ones with meat. Tonight we're having sushi (home made) so it should be easier!


lovins'


Adrian


p.s. steam punk thinspo? don't question, I'm just feeling nerdy. I may play a little dress-ups when I get home from the gym. 

I'm gaining

ugh gross gross. It's that damn weekend and my utter lack of self control. Of course I stopd counting calories. That's what happens. I go like one day f not counting because it feels like I'm doing alright, and then BAM I'm wolfing down pie and steak by the fistful and drinking 10 beers a day.


I'm back over 140 right now. I'm actually at 143 this morning. So 5 lbs in a week? Hah! I know part of it is that drinking is making me retain water I know that part of it is that I didn't run the last two days. I walked at least 6 miles over the last two days, but it was mostly pub crawling, and running was not involved.

Oh pub crawling though. It was a pretty great pride. I felt somehow, incredibly proud to be a gay lady. I danced all night feeling the bass pound in my throat, I strutted all day in heels and a military hat, running through fountains and drinking champagne on the street.

Then I woke up this morning and was fat again. Soooo I guess I'm going to just be really careful about counting this week and expect a modest loss. I'm not going to drink. Did you read that? I'm not going to drink. The only people I'd be going out with are my friends from around here and um, have I told y'all about them?

They get together every single night and play beer pong and smoke weed. Every night of the week. Pretty much all of them are ex-heroin users, and they just don't have a lot of motivation. I'm proud of them for getting clean, and we were all great friends through elementary and high school, but frankly it feels a little stagnant and a little toxic to hang out with them. It makes me smoke more, drink more, run less, and care less.

Speaking of running my plan today is to go out and try to get myself some good running shoes. I know I said I'd wait until I could run 10 miles in a row, but now that I'm running at least 4 a day, I'm getting really bad ankle pain and I'd like it to stop. So the plan in the bike to the shoe store, get some running shoes, then try to go on a nice long run. Ugh or maybe I'll dick-off and just run to the gym, run, do weights, and run home. Run, do weights, swim, and run home? intriguing.

I'm supposed to be doing dinner with my sister tonight, so I should try not to eat the rest of the day..maybe a piece of fruit or something when I get back from my run. Luckily she's having a friend over who has a gluten allergy, so we should be safe from refined carbs :D

Sorry for the kind of aimless post, I'm just feeling lost on my weight loss. Off track. Determined, but facing the wrong direction. I'll make it back.


Oh last but not least, I'm going to try a 'perfect week challenge' (something I saw on tumblr). It's 3 exercise rules and four diet rules that you have to complete every single day, and if you make it you reward yourself at the end. I can't really think of any rewards right now, so I'll work on that. but here go four rules for a truly perfect week for me:

1) no beer. No Beer. That simple. I realize I might end up pressured into some wine or something, and I should try to resist. But beer is always my own fucking fault. So, no beer.

2) no cigarettes. None. If I'm not drinking beer, this shouldn't be a problem.

3) no potatoes.

4) no late night eating.

5) run six days a week

6) abs 4 days a week

7) go on walks with my father/ sister 3 days a week


whew! that sounds do-able!

All my love,

Adrian.


p.s. more questions:


Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?


I have 119 written on the side, which would be the absolute lowest weight i could maintain with an officially 'healthy' BMI. but the fact of the matter is I'm pretty muscular, and when my weight drops before 125 I think I'll be well under a healthy body fat %. When I hit under 130 (haha that;s SO far away) I will go and get my body fat checked because I'd like to know what I'm at. I don't want to try and maintain something unhealthy, if it turns out I'd perform better at 126 than 119, I'll try and keep it at 126. 

mmm let's dig in to a nice long post shall we?

I know I haven't been updating, but I set aside time specifically for this tonight. I'm staying in ladies, I am not even going out clubbing tonight. Granted, a good portion of that is that I'm definitely going out on friday and saturday nights because its PRIDE but another part of it is a conscious decision not to be a binge drinking Fatty McGross-out.

Another reason is that I am exhausted, utterly. I woke up at 6:30 this morning for a job interview at a law office downtown. I'm really not sure if I want the job... something in me is screaming no! no! no! an office is full of women who will judge you and watch you eat. An office is full of chairs and sitting all day and you will get stuck there and you will never have another adventure. An office means certain death. It means wearing skirts not because you want to, but because you have to. It means you should look like a lady, not like a little boy. They won't like you because you're fat, because you're gay, because you're a freak. And even if you manage like yourself, they will hate you.


So uh...you could say I'm nervous. Part of me just feels like the work would be boring and evil (creating excel spreadsheets to sue people and collect debts). But getting work as a legal assistant would also be amazing for my resume in doing any of those grown-up jobs in law, or administration, education, pretty much anything.

It's a moot point anyways since I haven't actually gotten the job, I just got through to the last rounds of interviews. I had to go out and buy a skirt for the interview too...hooray for 6's being too big in a lot of stores! I never shop in stores, so it's hard for me to figure out what size clothes I wear. I usually just squeeze into/belt up whatever hand-me-downs I find. So I found out that I can squeeze into a 2 but should really wear a 4. I can live with that for now!

haven't weighed, I ought to, but I haven't. I'd guess that I've gained a pound or two, but that's to be expected. I was eating and drinking less at my grandparents and dropping weight a little too quickly to be sustainable. As long as I can stay under 140 for the summer, I'll be happy. I will fight my way down to 129.

Speaking of the fight I have still been running damnit, although I skipped yesterday (was busy all day long trying to learn Excel, which I had told the company I know, and buying a decent pair of low heels and a skirt). But today I ran my 4 with two in the afternoon (to the grocery store and back to pick up beets and beef for the borsht I made) and 2 after dinner at the gym with my mum. Breaking it up was actually a good idea I think. I got to run outside and inside, and I had enough energy on y second run to keep a higher than average pace, work on my stride, and I even sprinted some! then I did some quick pull-ups (I can do 4.5 in a row now!)/ abs.

Oh, which reminds me... I haven't been doing my 30 day challenge, and the next one was about work outs. Okay let's play catch up really quickly on eight whole days:

Day Eight- Your workout routine.


cardio: right now I'm running 4 miles per day, six days per week. My plan was to up that to 4.5 next week, but I've decided to keep it at four until I get a bit faster, and to instead work on adding in one or two much longer runs per week. Starting with attempting a 7 mile maybe? I've also been taking walks with my father for 2-3.5 miles every other day. Also I'm doing my best to ride my bike since it's summer time which means good weather for biking, and lots of summer parties where I'd rather not give myself the option of getting behind a wheel drunk. 


muscles: I'm not doing great on this right now. I do abs at least three times a week, usually a lot of russian twists with a medicine ball, some of the P90X abs ripper workout, really whatever feels like it truly kicks my ass. Then I usually throw in some pitiful push-ups and pull-ups. I know I need to get better at this stuff, but my arms are really bulky and my legs are really toned so all I ever want to work on are my abs, even though I know I should be building muscle elsewhere. 



Day Nine- Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?


yeah, mostly when I was younger. I was actually underweight for a long time and occasionally people would say something, but it was actually my rock climbing team that triggered me the most. It was awful, looking back on it. Our coach was an addict (recovered, but he definitely had his issues) and was a complete anorexic himself. So he would pinch our back fat all the time (this is when I was at my lowest weight) and call it 'the pudge', and tell us not to eat anything white, or anything we couldn't put in a bowl, or any meat, etc. He made the fattest girl pay extra for gas when we went to tournaments because she 'weighed the car down'. It was a joke, haha? I was always very aware that I was the second heaviest, even though I was four inches taller than anyone else, it made me extremely uncomfortable. Then when I started putting on weight after high school, I absolutely HATED the comments I got. 'oh, it's so nice to see you've put on weight, people used to worry' sounds a lot like, 'we were jealous, now you're fat and unnoticeable' or having men I was with saying they liked girls with curves, real girls, thick girls, girls they weren't going to 'break'. Can't they see me breaking when they say that? I'd think. Only thin girls get taken care of, get cared about, careful. Thick-girl is supposed to take whatever she can get. Big-girls don't cry.


So I don't know anymore if anyone said anything about my weight, or if it was me saying the hateful things all along.



Day Ten- What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”


well, I haven't really given up anything. At least, I'm trying not to. If I deeply want something, I should have it. Just not often. I used to eat a lot of bread, now I don't. I used to eat potatoes, and cheese, and ice cream and cake and muffins and cereal and top ramen and egg rolls and all-you-can-eat buffets. Now those are rarely-foods instead of always-foods. But I don't see this as giving up, because it makes me feel better when I run having eaten a salad and grilled chicken than when I run having stuffed my face with cheese. Which I did today, and regretted every nauseous step. 

Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!


oh this is a tough one. But I'm going to go with zette's little miss for one, because I actually love looking at girls in comparison to one another. I know it might be bitchy, but I'm always comparing myself to others and nothing is a better motivator for me than to see those thin girls, those real live thin girls, walking around next to average, me-looking slobs.



Day Twelve- What do you normally eat?


The majority of what I eat is 'whole foods'. that is to say, I rarely eat processed food, with the large exception of canned soup, to which I am addicted. Standard eating for me is a lot of fruits, nuts, vegetables, and meats. Like Mich, I like to pretend that breads and baked goods are simply figments of my imagination. I cook a lot, in fact I'd like to start including recipes on this blog, since most of it is very low calorie density. Lots of soups, salads, lots of fruit salads, lots of stir fry and steamed veggies, roasted veggies. I actually try to avoid 'low fat' and 'sugar free' things. If I'm going to have something 'bad' like milk, I want the real fucking deal.


Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?


I'd say it's mostly healthy. My biggest problem, and I'm ashamed to say it, is my drinking. I drink a lot of beer, and then in order to lose weight, I don't eat enough. Classic fucking mess Adrian. I'm really trying to get my life together, so staying in tonight and not drinking was a good thing. Even though I did have a beer for lunch (hah, see?) and a glass of wine with dinner, this is the first time in a while that I've avoided a whole binge-drink after imbibing that first sip. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but as someone who knows a thing or two about binge eating, that's totally what I've got going on with alcohol right now.  Either I abstain or I drink it all, and I've got to find a healthy way to stop it, because it's not just a dangerous and addictive poison: it's also making me fat!


Okay I'm going to stop answering the questions now and leave them for a later date. I love all you beautiful ladies and will be snooping through blogs for the rest of the evening!


lurv,


Adrian

I just want to give a quick update

thank you all for the comments! I'm feeling much better, if not much more sober. I realized that in order to have my fun, I just need to work harder. The last couple of days have been good. I ran 4 miles yesterday, then ran 4 this morning, walked 3 this afternoon, and biked 4 this evening. Hopefully that makes up for the beer pong and bottle of wine I drank...hurr.

In the last couple of days I ate: a sugar-free oatmeal muffin, quinoa-stuffed bell pepper, arugula tart, apple pie, bouillabaisse, and half a waffle. oh and a bit of salad. So not terrible. I'll give a real post and some pics and stats and everything tomorrow. It's just that since I got home I'm seeing all my friends and well...it's not a great influence. I have plenty of stories though, so get ready for a long update.

I love you all lovelies. And I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too... it's just a matter of running three hours a day to work it off!

I'm such a failure

Ugh. I went out tonight and left the bbq on full blast. My dad talked to me afterwards. God. I wish I'd remembered, I wish I hadn't fucked everything up. Nothing burned down, but still. Damnit.

Yesterday I ate too much.

Today I ran 3.5, ate 1/4 cup oatmeal with some fresh fruit on top, hiked for two hours, ate some tortellini, danced for two hours, drank too much, ate a shish-kabob, blech. Blech blech feel like a failure, utterly.

Waking up tomorrow at 8:30 am, hangover be damned. Running 3.5, biking 2, eating as little as possible.

I'm sorry I'm so drunk. I'm sorry that I've failed. I can only ignore it and try to be better tomorrow.

Yours in regret,

Adrian

let's have a quickie

edit: I almost forgot to mention-- I woke up this morning to be reacquainted with an old friend I haven't seen in a while...

mah hip bonez is back!

I want to post about the fight I had with my grandpa this morning, but I don't really want to write down hateful things and part of me is really, really over it, so if this post seems lacking in flair and charisma, chalk it up to having a bummer day.

So got in a fight early in the morning. Went for a run. It is so difficult to break myself of emotional eating, both restriction and binge. Today was especially hard because of that. I went to the gym with my grandma, got on the treadmill, and immediately started thinking, You know what? I shouldn't have to run today, because I feel emotionally drained, and self-righteously angry. Instead, I should go to a coffee shop and get a mocha. Yeah, a big hot chocolate mocha and maybe a bagel. No wait, a danish. No wait, a bagel and a danish, because I deserve it. Luckily I caught myself and had a compromise. I finished my 3.5 miles, but I let myself walk .75 miles up a hill. This was a necessity really, because I'd been crying which gave me an awful stitch in my side as soon as I started jogging. Ever had that happen? Then I went to the coffee shop and had a black coffee, cup of black bean soup, and slice of bread for breakfast/lunch.

Lunch 'proper' was an iced black coffee at McDonalds (victory! resistance!) and dinner was my own homemade chili verde (almost entirely just veggies and chicken broth with a bit of meat) with about a half cup of rice+beans, and plain yogurt instead of sour cream. I also had a small evening snack of nuts+dried cherries.

Ho hum, I don't feel like I have much else to say. Oh except thank you for the lovely comments! They really make it worth while to write, and I look forward to reading them whenever I log on. thank you thank you thank you. Even if I don't always comment back (although I do try!) I read every single blog post in my reader.

And tomorrow I'll be headed home! Seattle, get ready :D

x's and o's,
Adrian.

p.s. I almost forgot!!

Day Seven- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care? 

They have no idea. They probably don't care. Actually I would guess that they would both say, 'you don't need to worry about that' but actually my dad would be happier if I were a bit thinner. But they really can't tell my weight I think. I can't really judge their weights, in my mind it's just that I'm significantly smaller than them, but I have no idea by how much. I baffle them because I'm thin and they don't really question me about it. They know I like to hit the gym, they know I like to eat fruits n veggies. But I've been making most of my own food since I was about 11 or so, and I'm pretty much a nutritional stranger to them. 

I'm going to tell them my plans to run a marathon, and I think that will cover up any weight fluctuation. So plans to 'get in shape' yeah, they'll be supportive of that. My dad used to always tell me when I was small, 

"become an athlete, Adrian. Because everyone in this society will make the choice, and at some point, we'll either be athletes, or dieters"

I'd much rather run 100 miles a week and eat an occasional guilt-free slice of cheesecake. 

hahaha I crack myself up. Can you imagine eating the occasional piece of guilt-free cheesecake. Hilarious. 

I feel fucking fantastic!

feeling like a BAMF this morning

oh yeaaaaah

Well, I weighed myself today even though I said I wouldn't, but it was after drinking a full liter of water and fully dressed- 139 lbs. Something about these kinds of cheat-weighs are nice for me. I know it's not accurate, so I can't totally freak out about it.

I've been mixing up my regular abs workout with P90X abs ripper, which has been a good change of pace, although I don't really feel sore from it today. Oh I also ran my 3.5 miles this morning, damn it feels good to be a gangster. I get on the treadmill and everything in my body is screaming 'you can't do this, just quit, there's no point' and then I start to think about it. Do I honestly think I can't? Even after I did it yesterday? No, what I really think is, 'I don't feel like it', 'I'm tired' but not, impossible. So then I man the fuck up and do it. Yep, this is me being on my high horse.

As to eating, I've been doing okay. Yesterday I netted 242 under my goal (1250 net) and today I had 1/2 cup of oatmeal with 1/2 cup of plain yogurt, 8 almonds, and some fresh fruit (pineapple, blueberries, apple, and grapes) and cinnamon for breakfast/lunch. Haven't counted up those cals yet, but should be under 400, which is what I burned running this morning.

any other news? Not really, Oscar texted me at 4:00 in the morning to tell me he was dancing on the graves in a Prague cemetery to 'popcorn' the song I introduced him to via this video:

haha sill Frenchman, he didn't know the Swedish Chef.

Other than that it's been very quiet, I'm just getting ready now to head back on thursday morning. Oh and hopefully I'll be going out to my friend's cabin on one of the san juan islands on thursday night to meet his girlfriend. Then I turn around a do this naked painted bike ride in Seattle on saturday, then it's father's day, then I have job interviews AHHHHH next week is going to be so busy. This is definitely the calm before the storm. But I've needed this break and really enjoyed it for the most part. 

okay time for the survey questions:

Day Five- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

Oh yeah, I'm for sure doing this for me. Sometimes I do think about all of the coaches, bitchy women, bitchy men, etc. who have teased me or commented on my weight, but usually I am just thinking about what I want to look like and feel like. I want to be the absolute best that I can be, and that's not reflected on my body right now. I look like I just spent the last four years in college binge drinking cheap beer, eating pizza and wings, and pulling all-nighters, which is exactly what I have been doing. I want to look fucking fierce, I want to be fucking strong, because the fact of the matter is, I am both of those things. I just have to make that discipline show.

Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

I haven't binged in a few weeks, and I am going to attribute that to two distinct things:

1) not being drunk. When I get drunk in the evenings, I come home and I just eat and eat and eat. The fullness makes me feel less drunk, it gives me something to do before I pass out so I don't get the spins, and it tastes delicious. This is a terrible habit, and I've been breaking it. It's a stupid way to live my life, and it never makes me feel good. 

2) eating enough during the day. Let's face it, binges often come because we restrict ourselves too much. We want to make up for the last binge, or we haven't seen the scale budge, or we've only let ourselves eat salad while the jar of nutella in the cabinet stares us down. I have forced myself to eat more during the day. If I get to the evening and have only had 500 calories, I've been making a controlled snack and eating it. I've been upping my fruit intake by a lot too, which I think helps with the sweet cravings and adds a lot of fiber, meaning I feel fuller than if I just had juice, or even a smoothie. 

I don't know if I've solved the binge eating forever, and I'm sure I'll have a few more bad days, but I am actively working to change the way I feel about food--in quantity, in quality, in viewing it as nutrition rather than an enemy or something to just fill up empty spaces. I'm trying to work smarter, not harder, to lose this weight. It's in no way easier, but the results have been better so far.

also, I've been lusting over what piercing I want to get lately, and here are some ideas. Thoughts? I have one surface piercing (a bar) on the nape of my neck already

Lovin' y'all constantly, 

-Adrian

one of those purity test-survey things...

Y'all are going to think I'm an extreme deviant. And you'd be right. I lifted this from Kat not Jas's blog :D Since blogger won't let me un-underline some things, I've highlighted in blue all the things I haven't done (there are much less of them anyways). I'm pretty much a-okay with this, and don't look forward to checking off any of the ones I haven't done yet. Except ride in a helicopter of course. 

strike out what you've done.

1. had sex
2. bought condoms
3. gotten pregnant
4. failed a class
5. kissed a boy
6. kissed a girl
7. used a little paper bag for lunch 
8. had a job 
9. slipped on ice
10. missed the school bus
11. left the house without my wallet/purse

12. bullied someone on the internet
13. sexted
14. had sex in public
15. played on a sports team
16. smoked weed
17. smoked cigarettes
18. smoked a cigar
19. drank alcohol
20. watched “The Breakfast Club”
21. been overweight
22 been underweight.
23. had an eating disorder
24. been to a wedding
25. made fun of someone for being fat (in the fifth grade, I will never forgive myself)
26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight
27. watched tv for 5 hours straight
28. been late for work
29. been late for school
30. kissed someone in the rain
31. showered with someone else
32. failed my drivers test
33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes
34. been outside my home country
35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours
36. gotten my heart broken
37. had a credit card
38. been to a professional sports game
49. broken a bone
40. been unhappy about my weight
41. won a trophy
42. cut myself
43. had an STD
44. got engaged
45. been on a diet
46. tried out to be on a tv show
47. rode in a taxi 
48. been to prom
49. played in a drinking game
50. stayed up for 24 hours or more
51. been to a concert
52. had a three-some
53. had a crush on someone of the same sex
54. been in a car accident 
55. had braces

56. learned another language 
57. killed an animal/bug
58. been at a yard sale
59. been to a japanese steakhouse
60. wore make up
61. talked to someone via webcam
62. lost my virginity before I was 16
63. had my wisdom teeth taken out
64. kissed someone a different race than myself
65. snuck out of the house
66. bought porn
67. had a virus on my computer
68. had oral sex
69. dyed my hair
70. gone skinny dipping
71. graduated from college
72. wore someone else’s clothes
73. voted in a presidential election
74. rode in an ambulance
75. rode in a helicopter
76. caught the stove on fire
77. got in a verbal fight
78. been on vacation
79. been on an airplane 
80. been on a boat
81. had surgery. (unless oral surgery counts)
82. kissed someone before I was 14. 
83. beat a video game (I was never allowed these as a child, and never got into them)
84. found something valuable on the ground
85. made a survey

86. stalked someone on facebook/myspace
87. prank called someone
88. been to a library outside of school
89. spent over $100 shopping in one day
90. cut my hair and hated it
91. peed outside
92. went fishing
93. helped with charity
94. taken a pregnancy test.
95. been rejected by a crush
96. been suspended from school
97. broken a mirror
98. faked sick from school (sooo many times!)
99. owned a pet
100. been to six flags

real post forthcoming after I paint/eat some more. Suffice to say I ran 3.5 miles this morning and had plain yogurt with fruit and nuts for breakfast/lunch. 

x's and o's,

Adrian

I said I'd post again, so I'm doing it

I'm just so tired in a way I haven't been in a long time. I think it's a tiredness of living with older people, I'm drawing on all my energy to help them out, so I'm all used up but I haven't done anything for myself. It's a really special kind of disengagement, I'm watching the days roll by, vaguely interested. I mean, I love spending time with my grandparents, but we just don't seem to get much done. I run every morning. Then I have some sort of brunch. I spend the rest of the day painting and sanding, then it's dinner time. Then they go to bed and I crawl to my computer.

Routine routine routine. I despise it in so many ways, but it works. I'm skipping my abs workout again tonight, because I'm just tired. Painting today was better exercise than I anticipated, rollering the ceiling especially so. Then I took a hot bath and lay out in the sun. I'm the laziest, I know, but things like that drain your energy too. Yesterday I ate 825 and counted no exercise. Today will net about 900. Makes me think I should go eat something else before bed, but I feel too lethargic even to run up the stairs and do that. Besides, I'm trying to kick the habit of eating alone in my bed. That's filed under the list of shitty college habits I need to break, along with smoking, drinking too much, being emotionally manipulative/passive aggressive, and probably a dozen other things.

Sorry, this is not an uplifting post in the slightest. I'm feeling anxious, and monstrous, and lonely. I'm afraid of my nightmares, and afraid of my life ahead of me. I want someone to rush into my life, not to save me, but just to hold my hand. I'm just so tired of 'working' the social scenes, I'm missing all my true loves and friends who I can just cuddle up next to and not say a word.

*sigh*

but at least I'm losing weight. If I can't have a stable, loving, social life, at least I can always fall back on having endless workouts and and empty stomach. Oh great I'm crying. I think this blog gets all my tears lately, so at least no one else sees them.

Okay I just need to let myself sleep and look at everything with fresh eyes tomorrow morning.

That said,

Day Four- Your greatest fears about weight loss.


Ouch, tough day for this one given the mood I'm in. 


Well for starters, sustainability. I'm afraid I really won't be able to maintain a weight under 130 ever again. In high school it was easy, I thought I'd never see 140 in my life. Four years later, I've crosses that line a half dozen times, and fighting down below 130 in a challenge that is going to require permanent changes. That's one reason this blog has been getting more of a fitness-over-fasting edge. I've restricted my intake for months at a time, dropped my weight waaaay down, and it always creeps back up when I'm not looking. So I want lifestyle changes, not impossible rules.


Another would be that no one will notice or care. My family never ever sees my weight change, and if I were truly to lose all this pudge and STILL no one saw me, I might feel like breaking. Being invisible sucks. 


That's all for now I thinks. 


goodnight,
Adrian

so talking about Ms. Freja yesterday made me kind of poop myself (figuratively darling, figuratively) over androgynous thinspo. So I spent a long time on lesbian tumblrs for um...science purposes only. So get ready for some hot dykey somewhat-thinspo action:

(this is the haircut I'm thinking about getting p.s.)

be good looking, acquire affection.

not lesbians you say? suuuuurree. It's still my inspiration to be thin enough to have a jawline like that. Oh and a leather jacket. I was borrowing Oscars and now I am tragically without :(

Okay I promise a real post later on, I just wanted to get that out of my system. Oh and I ran three miles this morning, came home and had half a burrito and a little fruit salad. Time to go paint more house!

-Adrian

wow I made it a whole day without posting :D

warning: if you don't want to see any pictures of fruits and veggies, turn back now!

Well, I didn't post because I wasn't feeling too hot. I woke up and ran my three miles, came home, ate a big breakfast (two eggs, scrambled, with tomato, onion, and bell pepper (219), moved a bunch of boxes for my grandma, and started sanding. I went for about an hour before I just started feeling so light headed. I was thinking Why why why. I ate so much this morning because I felt bad. I'm not working too hard. I'm not dehydrated. Why?? Then my grandma saw me and made me stop and go lie down for a while, I guess I was really pale/shaky.

Um, der. I started my period. *face palm*. Jesus. I haven't had one hit me this hard in a long time. I don't know why it was so bad, I've been drinking more water and exercising more (that's supposed to help right?). Anyways, I holed up in bed pretty much the whole day feeling sorry for myself and babying myself (read: purposefully not following my diet). I went 69 calories over yesterday, and I didn't even do my abs workout AT ALL. Well, with all the cramps I don't think I could have 'crunched' anything.

I watched 'The Runaways' though, anyone seen it?

um wow. 

I know I've been on this healthy kick lately (have I mentioned that it's been a week since my last cigarette or sip of alcohol? HAH take that, self) but this movie will make you want to snort a line of coke and smash a bottle of whiskey against a wall. 

But I'll be good. I didn't run this morning (still feeling shitty, need a rest day, gym is closed) but I will do my abs again tonight. And tomorrow I'm going to run to the nearest town (three miles) and meet my grandma there for coffee maybe. Today she and I went to Missoula and shopped around the farmer's market. YUM!

we picked up beets, carrots, swiss chard, salad greens, and potatoes. There's not much out in Missoula right now, I was a little surprised. So then we went to the regular grocery store and I got SO many fruits and veggies to supplement grandparent-eating. I also offered to make Chili Verde one night so I can have something somewhat healthier. My grandfather is so picky about his food (I know, I know, who am I to talk) that you can't deviate at all:

there MUST be a salad (good right? hah) and it MUST consist of ONLY ice burg lettuce, tomato, and cucumber. Nothing else.

we MUST eat meat AND potatoes at every meal and the schedule is as follows:

monday- fish

tuesday- turkey or chicken

wednesday- beef

thursday- chicken

friday- fish

saturday- turkey

sunday- beef

NO EXCEPTIONS

So you can imagine it's a little difficult to eat or cook  healthy, varied diet. vegetables are optional at these meals, and usually consist of something frozen or canned. 

yum

disgusting

Gah!!! So I'm doing my best. On my behalf, they've been adding in fresh things, and instead of icecream for dessert are agreeing to having some fresh fruits:

can you tell I've been having a little fruit lust lately? 

I bought a mango, a kiwi, a pineapple, and some blueberries at the store today, so I will have breakfasts and desserts GALORE. 

I haven't checked my weight since yesterday morning (138.1 so yay!!) because I feel bloated, and because I'm worried about how quickly those numbers dipped. It means it's probably not sustainable. So before I give myself my 139 reward (a new pair of earrings) I'm going to wait until I get back to Seattle. Yep, it's going to have to be a week of sustained weight loss, not some bullshit water weight loss. 

My grandma also bought me two new dresses today from Ross (they were $10 each, woohoo!) so I'm pretty excited about that. They're stretchy cotton so they'll last me all summer and still fit when I lose weight. 

yep, I know I look wide in them, but that will get better (also the cut is kind of flowing on both, which is nice when my weight is moving around). And I think I'm going to wear the lower one to the two weddings I have to go to this season, both are over labor day weekend, so here's to looking great in the dress by then! 

Well, I guess that's all the news, so I'll get back to reading your blogs and feeling bad about my bleeding ovaries. Oh AND I wanted to share this with all the thinspo:

This is really helping me figure out my body's signals :D

okay so the thinspo fitspo:

love y'all,

Adrian

p.s. ninja edit: I forgot the 30 day challenge! hah, okay, sorry for the long pot again then:

Day Two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I'm 5'7". Most days, I'm pretty happy with this. I'm a little taller than average for a woman, but not a 'tall girl' per se. I can usually reach things on my own, I technically could try to model, but I'm really too short (and let's face it, fat) for that. The downside is that in heels, I'm a complete amazon. I'm taller than most men, and so I think that (combined with the fact that I'm pretty eccentric looking) is kind of intimidating. It makes me feel like I have to try to 'stick out' intentionally, because I already stick out because of my height.

Day Three- A picture of your thinsperation. What features do you like about this person?

well you see me post thinspo nearly every day, but let me dig back and find a favorite (She's always popping up anyways): Freja Beha Erichson

truly perfect androgyny. I want to look like I'm gender-bending when I wear heels, because that's how I feel. I want my body to match that feeling. It's the square jaw, rock star hair, the tight, muscular body. That's what I want. 

I want to look like a 16 year old boy. I admit it. But like a sexy lady 16 year old boy. It's strong, but still vulnerable. It says, "sure, you would definitely win in a fight, but I still might throw a punch".

Yep, I'm a freak.