wow I made it a whole day without posting :D

warning: if you don't want to see any pictures of fruits and veggies, turn back now!

Well, I didn't post because I wasn't feeling too hot. I woke up and ran my three miles, came home, ate a big breakfast (two eggs, scrambled, with tomato, onion, and bell pepper (219), moved a bunch of boxes for my grandma, and started sanding. I went for about an hour before I just started feeling so light headed. I was thinking Why why why. I ate so much this morning because I felt bad. I'm not working too hard. I'm not dehydrated. Why?? Then my grandma saw me and made me stop and go lie down for a while, I guess I was really pale/shaky.

Um, der. I started my period. *face palm*. Jesus. I haven't had one hit me this hard in a long time. I don't know why it was so bad, I've been drinking more water and exercising more (that's supposed to help right?). Anyways, I holed up in bed pretty much the whole day feeling sorry for myself and babying myself (read: purposefully not following my diet). I went 69 calories over yesterday, and I didn't even do my abs workout AT ALL. Well, with all the cramps I don't think I could have 'crunched' anything.

I watched 'The Runaways' though, anyone seen it?

um wow. 

I know I've been on this healthy kick lately (have I mentioned that it's been a week since my last cigarette or sip of alcohol? HAH take that, self) but this movie will make you want to snort a line of coke and smash a bottle of whiskey against a wall. 

But I'll be good. I didn't run this morning (still feeling shitty, need a rest day, gym is closed) but I will do my abs again tonight. And tomorrow I'm going to run to the nearest town (three miles) and meet my grandma there for coffee maybe. Today she and I went to Missoula and shopped around the farmer's market. YUM!

we picked up beets, carrots, swiss chard, salad greens, and potatoes. There's not much out in Missoula right now, I was a little surprised. So then we went to the regular grocery store and I got SO many fruits and veggies to supplement grandparent-eating. I also offered to make Chili Verde one night so I can have something somewhat healthier. My grandfather is so picky about his food (I know, I know, who am I to talk) that you can't deviate at all:

there MUST be a salad (good right? hah) and it MUST consist of ONLY ice burg lettuce, tomato, and cucumber. Nothing else.

we MUST eat meat AND potatoes at every meal and the schedule is as follows:

monday- fish

tuesday- turkey or chicken

wednesday- beef

thursday- chicken

friday- fish

saturday- turkey

sunday- beef

NO EXCEPTIONS

So you can imagine it's a little difficult to eat or cook  healthy, varied diet. vegetables are optional at these meals, and usually consist of something frozen or canned. 

yum

disgusting

Gah!!! So I'm doing my best. On my behalf, they've been adding in fresh things, and instead of icecream for dessert are agreeing to having some fresh fruits:

can you tell I've been having a little fruit lust lately? 

I bought a mango, a kiwi, a pineapple, and some blueberries at the store today, so I will have breakfasts and desserts GALORE. 

I haven't checked my weight since yesterday morning (138.1 so yay!!) because I feel bloated, and because I'm worried about how quickly those numbers dipped. It means it's probably not sustainable. So before I give myself my 139 reward (a new pair of earrings) I'm going to wait until I get back to Seattle. Yep, it's going to have to be a week of sustained weight loss, not some bullshit water weight loss. 

My grandma also bought me two new dresses today from Ross (they were $10 each, woohoo!) so I'm pretty excited about that. They're stretchy cotton so they'll last me all summer and still fit when I lose weight. 

yep, I know I look wide in them, but that will get better (also the cut is kind of flowing on both, which is nice when my weight is moving around). And I think I'm going to wear the lower one to the two weddings I have to go to this season, both are over labor day weekend, so here's to looking great in the dress by then! 

Well, I guess that's all the news, so I'll get back to reading your blogs and feeling bad about my bleeding ovaries. Oh AND I wanted to share this with all the thinspo:

This is really helping me figure out my body's signals :D

okay so the thinspo fitspo:

love y'all,

Adrian

p.s. ninja edit: I forgot the 30 day challenge! hah, okay, sorry for the long pot again then:

Day Two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I'm 5'7". Most days, I'm pretty happy with this. I'm a little taller than average for a woman, but not a 'tall girl' per se. I can usually reach things on my own, I technically could try to model, but I'm really too short (and let's face it, fat) for that. The downside is that in heels, I'm a complete amazon. I'm taller than most men, and so I think that (combined with the fact that I'm pretty eccentric looking) is kind of intimidating. It makes me feel like I have to try to 'stick out' intentionally, because I already stick out because of my height.

Day Three- A picture of your thinsperation. What features do you like about this person?

well you see me post thinspo nearly every day, but let me dig back and find a favorite (She's always popping up anyways): Freja Beha Erichson

truly perfect androgyny. I want to look like I'm gender-bending when I wear heels, because that's how I feel. I want my body to match that feeling. It's the square jaw, rock star hair, the tight, muscular body. That's what I want. 

I want to look like a 16 year old boy. I admit it. But like a sexy lady 16 year old boy. It's strong, but still vulnerable. It says, "sure, you would definitely win in a fight, but I still might throw a punch".

Yep, I'm a freak.

30 day challenge

I've seen a lot of folks doing this thirty day challenge, and thought I'd hop on board as well! Might as well start right now :D

Day one- stats. Well, my measurements are in the side bar there. I'm twenty-two years old, and yesterday when I weighed myself after dinner and with all my clothes on, I was 142.2 lbs. That's actually .2 lbs more than I weighed in January when I started this blog, but I've changed my body quite a bit. I've lost some fat and put on some muscle, and really want to go get my body fat percentage checked so that can be one of my things to work on that isn't JUST the number on the scale. 

30 Day Challenge~

Day One- Your stats
Day Two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?
Day Three- A picture of your thinsperation. What features do you like about this person?
Day Four- Your greatest fears about weight loss.
Day Five- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?
Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.
Day Seven- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care? 
Day Eight- Your workout routine.
Day Nine- Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Day Ten- What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”
Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!
Day Twelve- What do you normally eat?
Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?
Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?
Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?
Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?
Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?
Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?
Day Twenty- Favorite diet?
Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?
Day Twenty-Two- What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
Day Twenty-Three- Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?
Day Twenty-Four- How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia
Day Twenty-Five- Have you ever purged? If you have describe your first experience. 
Day Twenty-Six- What excites you most about reaching your ugw?
Day Twenty-Seven- How do you deal with being around food?
Day Twenty-Eight- Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?
Day Twenty-Nine- Your definition of beauty.
Day Thirty-  10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?

talk about inspiration! Eddie Izzard, probably my favorite british transvestite comedian, ran 44 marathons in 50-some-odd days, with only a few weeks of prior experience. His feet were falling apart, and he just said fuck it and kept going. In fact, he kept going faster. 

Howdy y'all! (hee, can I talk like that since I'm on the rez? everyone out here says howdy)

Well, today was a bit monotonous. I'm impatient to get thin/fit, and I think that's the most dangerous thing for us, you know? Yesterday felt like a success, so today of course I wanted MORE, and when I looked pretty much the same I felt discouraged. But progress, real, lasting progress, is slow. I'm reminded of the quote, "there are no shortcuts to any place worth going". This is walking the line between sanity/control, and disorder/freakout. I saw progress. It's slow. I must continue what I am doing, and not take this as incentive to pig out or fast. I feel like sticking to a routine when you're crying out for change is really fucking hard.

Anyways, I woke up feeling dizzy and a little drunk. Odd, I haven't had a drink in almost a week now. I stumbled to the bathroom and then went back to bed. Awoke an hour later feeling pretty much the same, but had my mug of coffee and made it to the gym. I got my three miles in, but I didn't run the whole thing. I alternated slow jogging (6 mph) and fast walking up a steep hill (4ph). Ended up burning more calories than usual (333), but I think that's just because I spent more time on the stupid treadmill. Also my feet started blistering up around 1/5 miles so I did the rest barefoot. 

By the time I got home I didn't feel so shaky/dizzy and I had a salad of beet greens, asparagus tips, strawberries, cottage cheese, and walnuts with balsamic (236). Then I went and worked on puttying and sanding yet another room (this really has to count as exercise, but I have no way of saying how much) and had a can of V8 (70) for lunch. The rest of the day was just job applications and helping my grandma sort through things she needs to get rid of *sigh* same old same old. Oh and dinner was chicken and dumpling soup, which I had two bowls of (680 was my guess?), but I skipped the dumplings. I also had a dessert of two strawberries sliced with a little whipped cream and 4 almonds (117 was my guess?) 

So I'm netted for the day at 785, which I'm okay with since I did consume more than 1,000 calories. Maybe that can make up for going a little over yesterday. Does anyone count their carbs, proteins, and fats? I usually don't, but I do use MyFitnessPal (p.s. add me (snophish)!) and noticed that I consistently get too much protein. I don't know what problems this could cause, but maybe I'll look it up. 

Okay ENOUGH talk about the calories in and out and yack yack yack already. For all the time we spend choosing our food so carefully and not eating out of turn, I sometimes (always) feel like I spend most of my life just focusing on stupid fucking food. I love good food, but jesus, there is more to life. 

So ladies! PLEASE tell me one goal you have for this summer, just one, that has nothing to do with weight loss. I know we are more than those numbers, and I want to get to know y'all! I'll even start. This summer I want to raise a turkey chick for my family for Thanksgiving, and I want to get a job. How about you?

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whew, now that that's out of my system lemme go back to one more body moment: 

xoxo

Adrian

run, abs, paint, overeat, pass out, start again

Looked up marathons today:

November 27 Seattle, $100 for a whole marathon, $80 for the half marathon.

November 6 San Francisco, $70 for the U.S. haf marathon.

oh ho ho. I think I just might. Maybe the registration fees could be my rewards to myself for other fitness/weight loss goals. And think about it, if I ran the Seattle marathon, I'd have a great excuse to eat light on Thanksgiving and a great way to burn that nom-fest off. If I move to San Francisco, I will register for that half marathon. Also, I'd like to try a triathlon. I know, I know, I'm just being giddy and excited about my new interest, and it's all pie-in-the-sky stuff, but can you blame me? This stuff is COOL. I wonder if I could get my friend Ben to do triathlon with me. He's a cross country runner whom I could never compete with, but he sucks at swimming (I was a lifeguard) so maaaaaybe.

Speaking of running, say hello to my new running tracker on the side, sweet!

and what's more, today is a good day because I woke up and *gasp* liked where my stomach is headed.

the abs aren't there yet, but god damn-it I will get them. They're sore as hell at least.

Today is a bad day too though, because for the first time all week, I just plain went over my calorie limit. It wasn't a binge exactly. I just finished dinner at 19 calories under and thought, 'I want some strawberries and nuts' so I ate them. Probably 400 calories worth. Not really, but ya know. My excuses are minimal, except that I ran stairs for 15 minutes afterwards and I spent all day doing  consistent work sanding, painting, and moving furniture, none of which went into my calorie count. I don't really feel too terrible about it, which is weird because normally that kind of thing would ruin my day. Maybe this is the 'intuitive eating' I hear so much about. 

other than that, I ran my three miles this morning. at 1.5 miles I knelt down to tie my shoe, and when I stood back up I was pretty dizzy, so that's a bit concerning. I also applied for a job today doing wilderness restoration and 10 day wilderness hikes with youth. It sounds pretty amazing (active, meaningful, educational, outdoorsy) and is fairly short term, so here's hoping I get it! 

Well, I guess I'll try to keep it short tonight. I'm pretty exhausted and for once, I'm feeling pretty fulfilled (and, you know, full and filled). I think the secret is that even after my cheating dessert, I found the scale in my grandma's bathroom, and hopped on it in jeans and a t-shirt. I was down 2.5 lbs even with clothes on and a full stomach. Who knows how that will compare with my home scale, but for now, I'm ecstatic. 

Love,

Adrian

long term fitness goals, short term struggles for health

You guys are probably going to be Soooooo sick of me by the end of this trip because I have hours per day to blog. Sorry sorry sorry! so let's start off with what I wrote last night before bed, shall we?


I want that six pack, I want it real bad. What will I have to do to get it?

1) plan far in advance. This is not something I can rush. I want a six pack by next summer. Maybe I'll get it sooner, but I will still have it then.

2) permanent diet changes. Potatoes will stay a once a week thing. Meats are changing over on June 16th (to no factory farmed meats, ever). I'm not having any alcohol for the next two weeks, and after that I'm going to have my choice of wine or liquor but no beer for a month. And when it comes back, it's once a week. Maybe. Eventually, this will go down as well and I'll be able to mostly cut alcohol out of my routine. I'm not in college anymore. Other than that I think I have a pretty healthy diet, but I'm sure I'll see more long term changes from there.

3) abs workouts. They will have to increase. A minimum of 100 crunches a day to start out with (starting today) including 40 left side, 20 middle, 40 right side. In addition, I'm starting serious abs workouts again. Preferably sign up for a class for the month of July.

4) cardio plan. I will increase my distance by half a mile once a week. Last week I averaged 2.5 miles, this week I will run a minimum of 3 every time. Next week I will begin 3.5, and I'll have that marathon in no time.

yesterday, in addition to my little 2.5 mile jog, I managed 200 jumping jacks, 30 pushups, 80 crunches, and 20 of my own invention super crunches. These things work me out more than anything else. lemme see if I can demonstrate (maybe there's already a name for this?)

you know the drill, ignore the pudge/giant thighs blah blah I'm wearing a dress tucked into my boxers for this ;)

the point is to do it very slowly and with perfect control,giving an extra little crunch to every move once you're in position, and always returning for a full breath in the start position and keeping that one leg perfectly controlled at 45 degrees while you tuck the other one in for your side crunch. 

p.s. you can see in the background where I'm painting...there's so much work to be done!

p.p.s. I had a nightmare again last night. I don't want them to start again, I've been doing well for months. Last night, I was in a crowd of my friends, we were pressing in too close. I saw CJ's face forced by the tide of bodies next to mine. We both looked shocked, and then... there was a knife. It was twisting back and forth between us, each us us attempting to point it away from our own bodies but the only other direction was the other woman. I said to her 'I'm so sorry', and I tried to force the knife onto her. Her eyes flashed, my strength broke, and I felt the knife enter my chest, enter my heart, and twist into my stomach. 

I woke up with a slight stomach ache, but I got back to sleep. But now, it's time again to sleep, and I'm afraid.

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Okay so that was what I had to say last night. I didn't have the CJ nightmare again, but it was an odd one considering I just finished Wintergirls. CJ is my bulimic best friend with whom I may be living in San Francisco in three months. She's amazing, and seems to be recovered from bulimia, but the two of us have definitely triggered one another when we lived together before. The thing is, now she's been diagnosed with Lupis, and it's hard for me to tell whether that's the reason she's lost so much weight or whether she's slipped back into her ED. I guess I'll know when we live together. 

Anyways, right now I'm lying in bed all warm from a bubble bath. My legs are all red from the hot water, which never happens to me. I have kind of a brown/yellow/green coloring; Oscar calls me his undead desert creature (it's somehow cute when he says it). I am still loving my grandparent's house so much. If I could convince some of my friends to move out here with me, I would be really tempted to stay here long term. My grandparents let me skip potatoes without batting an eye. They give me a big bed with enough room to stretch out, piled up so high that you need a foot stool to get into it. My grandma scratches my back and will take me to the farmer's market and not comment on what I want to eat. Yep, it's pretty much paradise. 

But I said I would get to the struggle, and so I need to stop sugar coating. I look in the mirror, and I can tell I'm gaining. I see the fat at the tops of my thighs, the way my belly button is trying to burrow itself through all the stomach-chub, and I can't weigh myself. And that means that I should eat less am not thinking straight. I ran three miles this morning and spent all day spackling/texturizing the room I'm painting. I'll do my abs workout later tonight. I skipped breakfast, and ate 838 calories in the form of:

Select Harvest mexican soup- 220

1/2 fuji apple- 64

2 pickles- 10

v8 juice- 70

3 pieces of roasted chicken- 306

12 pieces asparagus- 40

7 brussel sprouts- 53

1 piece of bread w/ butter- 50

ice burg lettuce salad- 15

and running took out 329, so my net is 509, before I do my abs. This is concerning. I feel stuffed. I should eat more. I'm probably not really full, I'm just unhappy with how I look so I'm not letting myself feel hunger. After I do abs I will got upstairs and make myself eat some dried fruits and nuts- total calorie bombs, but full of the things I need. 

other updates: not smoking and drinking is feeling really good. I should have known. 

oh and the pictures, of course

love y'all, see you soon!

-Adrian

grandparentland is going better than expected!

hi dolls,

I know many of you are going through big changes right now, and some are having a rough time of it. I'm sending out all of my good feelings to you, all of my motivation and hope for getting done what you want, whatever that is. Personally, I am trying my hardest to make permanent life changes that will result in a fit, healthy, and slim body. I am truly striving not to give in to restriction that I can't maintain and that will result in bingeing.

But let me tell you a secret. It is really, really tempting me right now. I'm sitting here on 405 in, 262 out (143 net), and it feels pretty nice. It feels totally manageable. I could skip dinner and go to bed early and do it again tomorrow, I think. The truth is, I know that eventually I would break down and have something like an entire steak, or more likely something I dislike to punish myself-- say, a box of oreos. Ugh.

So I'm making myself eat. I have made a bowl of nonfat greek yogurt (120) five blackberries, half an apple, and one grape (maybe 80?). Then I will go and eat a dinner of baked cod and asparagus. I will skip the potatoes, and I will probably have a small dessert of jello with fresh strawberries (50 tops). That means at dinner I can have up to 807 in cod and asparagus and hit 1200. Yep, I know that's a high number, and I haven't actually hit it in at least a week, but that's my upper limit. In order to maintain at least 1000 (what I figure is the edge of being healthy and not slipping into full-on anorexia) I'll have to have 607 at dinner, and finish this bowl of yogurt.

Sorry to bore you all with the ol' food count.


In other news, I'm starting to move furniture for my grandparents so I can start adding in baseboards, caulk, and texturizer tomorrow and maybe be priming by midweek. I'm trying to paint six rooms in the next week and a half, but I didn't realize how much prep work needs to be done. Even if I can get all the furniture moved, then they'll be able to finish without me. So yay for active days! I'll keep my mind and my hands busy and soak up their stories and help them out.

Things from the internets for all of you

I'm finally reading Wintergirls from the free online copy here. It's cheesy, but I need a good cheesy read, I'm supposed to be on vacation or something! I started last night and am about halfway through.

This handy website shows you what one hundred calories of various foods look like in comparison to different products. Most of them are Mac products, so I think I might be viral marketing, but whatever, it's still a useful visual guide for when you can't look something up or measure it.

And lastly, I know many people like BMI calculators, but they also cause a lot of problems and this website is the best one I've found to explain some of the issues and provide alternatives. Since I've been an athlete (in a mostly anaerobic, muscly sport) for most of my life, my BMI tends to be falsely high. This offers waist-to-height ratio, which puts me more accurately at the low-rather-than-high end of normal.

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And lastly, I've been cruising tumblr for some more fitspo, trying to convince myself that I should strive for a healthy lean body rather than a sick, fragile one. On that end, I'd like to present one of my friends from school to you:

2007

2009

This is the direction I don't want to go in. I watched this girl shrink, and as she did I watched her mind just go...funky. Eventually she was so zombied out that she dropped out of college. I'd like to be somewhere between these pictures weight-wise and toned up.

anyways, here's the real fitspo and a couple fashion pics:

oh and a last update: I couldn't finish the yogurt, I got about halfway done and ate most of the fruit. I'll just consider those calories to make up fro the tablespoon of mustard (13) and tablespoon of tartar (50) I put on my fish (cod with bread crumbs, baked). I had 6 pieces by the way WOW, but each was, I'm guessing, 3 oz or less so that means 696 calories max plus boiled asparagus, no salt (~50) also the jello, which I cold not finish at all (~20 max right? there were a few strawberry pieces in there). So that's 766 for dinner! smack in the middle of healthy eating. Although I feel completely stuffed, it's better than wanting to crawl under my bed and eat those two day old fries I still haven't thrown away.

daily total: 909 net

love love love,

Adrian

p.s for posterity: sunday netted 1106 b/c no exercise was counted. I took a 15 minute walk but blah, I'm not counting that. I can wallow in 1106 instead.