mmm let's dig in to a nice long post shall we?

I know I haven't been updating, but I set aside time specifically for this tonight. I'm staying in ladies, I am not even going out clubbing tonight. Granted, a good portion of that is that I'm definitely going out on friday and saturday nights because its PRIDE but another part of it is a conscious decision not to be a binge drinking Fatty McGross-out.

Another reason is that I am exhausted, utterly. I woke up at 6:30 this morning for a job interview at a law office downtown. I'm really not sure if I want the job... something in me is screaming no! no! no! an office is full of women who will judge you and watch you eat. An office is full of chairs and sitting all day and you will get stuck there and you will never have another adventure. An office means certain death. It means wearing skirts not because you want to, but because you have to. It means you should look like a lady, not like a little boy. They won't like you because you're fat, because you're gay, because you're a freak. And even if you manage like yourself, they will hate you.


So uh...you could say I'm nervous. Part of me just feels like the work would be boring and evil (creating excel spreadsheets to sue people and collect debts). But getting work as a legal assistant would also be amazing for my resume in doing any of those grown-up jobs in law, or administration, education, pretty much anything.

It's a moot point anyways since I haven't actually gotten the job, I just got through to the last rounds of interviews. I had to go out and buy a skirt for the interview too...hooray for 6's being too big in a lot of stores! I never shop in stores, so it's hard for me to figure out what size clothes I wear. I usually just squeeze into/belt up whatever hand-me-downs I find. So I found out that I can squeeze into a 2 but should really wear a 4. I can live with that for now!

haven't weighed, I ought to, but I haven't. I'd guess that I've gained a pound or two, but that's to be expected. I was eating and drinking less at my grandparents and dropping weight a little too quickly to be sustainable. As long as I can stay under 140 for the summer, I'll be happy. I will fight my way down to 129.

Speaking of the fight I have still been running damnit, although I skipped yesterday (was busy all day long trying to learn Excel, which I had told the company I know, and buying a decent pair of low heels and a skirt). But today I ran my 4 with two in the afternoon (to the grocery store and back to pick up beets and beef for the borsht I made) and 2 after dinner at the gym with my mum. Breaking it up was actually a good idea I think. I got to run outside and inside, and I had enough energy on y second run to keep a higher than average pace, work on my stride, and I even sprinted some! then I did some quick pull-ups (I can do 4.5 in a row now!)/ abs.

Oh, which reminds me... I haven't been doing my 30 day challenge, and the next one was about work outs. Okay let's play catch up really quickly on eight whole days:

Day Eight- Your workout routine.


cardio: right now I'm running 4 miles per day, six days per week. My plan was to up that to 4.5 next week, but I've decided to keep it at four until I get a bit faster, and to instead work on adding in one or two much longer runs per week. Starting with attempting a 7 mile maybe? I've also been taking walks with my father for 2-3.5 miles every other day. Also I'm doing my best to ride my bike since it's summer time which means good weather for biking, and lots of summer parties where I'd rather not give myself the option of getting behind a wheel drunk. 


muscles: I'm not doing great on this right now. I do abs at least three times a week, usually a lot of russian twists with a medicine ball, some of the P90X abs ripper workout, really whatever feels like it truly kicks my ass. Then I usually throw in some pitiful push-ups and pull-ups. I know I need to get better at this stuff, but my arms are really bulky and my legs are really toned so all I ever want to work on are my abs, even though I know I should be building muscle elsewhere. 



Day Nine- Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?


yeah, mostly when I was younger. I was actually underweight for a long time and occasionally people would say something, but it was actually my rock climbing team that triggered me the most. It was awful, looking back on it. Our coach was an addict (recovered, but he definitely had his issues) and was a complete anorexic himself. So he would pinch our back fat all the time (this is when I was at my lowest weight) and call it 'the pudge', and tell us not to eat anything white, or anything we couldn't put in a bowl, or any meat, etc. He made the fattest girl pay extra for gas when we went to tournaments because she 'weighed the car down'. It was a joke, haha? I was always very aware that I was the second heaviest, even though I was four inches taller than anyone else, it made me extremely uncomfortable. Then when I started putting on weight after high school, I absolutely HATED the comments I got. 'oh, it's so nice to see you've put on weight, people used to worry' sounds a lot like, 'we were jealous, now you're fat and unnoticeable' or having men I was with saying they liked girls with curves, real girls, thick girls, girls they weren't going to 'break'. Can't they see me breaking when they say that? I'd think. Only thin girls get taken care of, get cared about, careful. Thick-girl is supposed to take whatever she can get. Big-girls don't cry.


So I don't know anymore if anyone said anything about my weight, or if it was me saying the hateful things all along.



Day Ten- What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”


well, I haven't really given up anything. At least, I'm trying not to. If I deeply want something, I should have it. Just not often. I used to eat a lot of bread, now I don't. I used to eat potatoes, and cheese, and ice cream and cake and muffins and cereal and top ramen and egg rolls and all-you-can-eat buffets. Now those are rarely-foods instead of always-foods. But I don't see this as giving up, because it makes me feel better when I run having eaten a salad and grilled chicken than when I run having stuffed my face with cheese. Which I did today, and regretted every nauseous step. 

Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!


oh this is a tough one. But I'm going to go with zette's little miss for one, because I actually love looking at girls in comparison to one another. I know it might be bitchy, but I'm always comparing myself to others and nothing is a better motivator for me than to see those thin girls, those real live thin girls, walking around next to average, me-looking slobs.



Day Twelve- What do you normally eat?


The majority of what I eat is 'whole foods'. that is to say, I rarely eat processed food, with the large exception of canned soup, to which I am addicted. Standard eating for me is a lot of fruits, nuts, vegetables, and meats. Like Mich, I like to pretend that breads and baked goods are simply figments of my imagination. I cook a lot, in fact I'd like to start including recipes on this blog, since most of it is very low calorie density. Lots of soups, salads, lots of fruit salads, lots of stir fry and steamed veggies, roasted veggies. I actually try to avoid 'low fat' and 'sugar free' things. If I'm going to have something 'bad' like milk, I want the real fucking deal.


Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?


I'd say it's mostly healthy. My biggest problem, and I'm ashamed to say it, is my drinking. I drink a lot of beer, and then in order to lose weight, I don't eat enough. Classic fucking mess Adrian. I'm really trying to get my life together, so staying in tonight and not drinking was a good thing. Even though I did have a beer for lunch (hah, see?) and a glass of wine with dinner, this is the first time in a while that I've avoided a whole binge-drink after imbibing that first sip. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but as someone who knows a thing or two about binge eating, that's totally what I've got going on with alcohol right now.  Either I abstain or I drink it all, and I've got to find a healthy way to stop it, because it's not just a dangerous and addictive poison: it's also making me fat!


Okay I'm going to stop answering the questions now and leave them for a later date. I love all you beautiful ladies and will be snooping through blogs for the rest of the evening!


lurv,


Adrian

I just want to give a quick update

thank you all for the comments! I'm feeling much better, if not much more sober. I realized that in order to have my fun, I just need to work harder. The last couple of days have been good. I ran 4 miles yesterday, then ran 4 this morning, walked 3 this afternoon, and biked 4 this evening. Hopefully that makes up for the beer pong and bottle of wine I drank...hurr.

In the last couple of days I ate: a sugar-free oatmeal muffin, quinoa-stuffed bell pepper, arugula tart, apple pie, bouillabaisse, and half a waffle. oh and a bit of salad. So not terrible. I'll give a real post and some pics and stats and everything tomorrow. It's just that since I got home I'm seeing all my friends and well...it's not a great influence. I have plenty of stories though, so get ready for a long update.

I love you all lovelies. And I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too... it's just a matter of running three hours a day to work it off!

I'm such a failure

Ugh. I went out tonight and left the bbq on full blast. My dad talked to me afterwards. God. I wish I'd remembered, I wish I hadn't fucked everything up. Nothing burned down, but still. Damnit.

Yesterday I ate too much.

Today I ran 3.5, ate 1/4 cup oatmeal with some fresh fruit on top, hiked for two hours, ate some tortellini, danced for two hours, drank too much, ate a shish-kabob, blech. Blech blech feel like a failure, utterly.

Waking up tomorrow at 8:30 am, hangover be damned. Running 3.5, biking 2, eating as little as possible.

I'm sorry I'm so drunk. I'm sorry that I've failed. I can only ignore it and try to be better tomorrow.

Yours in regret,

Adrian

let's have a quickie

edit: I almost forgot to mention-- I woke up this morning to be reacquainted with an old friend I haven't seen in a while...

mah hip bonez is back!

I want to post about the fight I had with my grandpa this morning, but I don't really want to write down hateful things and part of me is really, really over it, so if this post seems lacking in flair and charisma, chalk it up to having a bummer day.

So got in a fight early in the morning. Went for a run. It is so difficult to break myself of emotional eating, both restriction and binge. Today was especially hard because of that. I went to the gym with my grandma, got on the treadmill, and immediately started thinking, You know what? I shouldn't have to run today, because I feel emotionally drained, and self-righteously angry. Instead, I should go to a coffee shop and get a mocha. Yeah, a big hot chocolate mocha and maybe a bagel. No wait, a danish. No wait, a bagel and a danish, because I deserve it. Luckily I caught myself and had a compromise. I finished my 3.5 miles, but I let myself walk .75 miles up a hill. This was a necessity really, because I'd been crying which gave me an awful stitch in my side as soon as I started jogging. Ever had that happen? Then I went to the coffee shop and had a black coffee, cup of black bean soup, and slice of bread for breakfast/lunch.

Lunch 'proper' was an iced black coffee at McDonalds (victory! resistance!) and dinner was my own homemade chili verde (almost entirely just veggies and chicken broth with a bit of meat) with about a half cup of rice+beans, and plain yogurt instead of sour cream. I also had a small evening snack of nuts+dried cherries.

Ho hum, I don't feel like I have much else to say. Oh except thank you for the lovely comments! They really make it worth while to write, and I look forward to reading them whenever I log on. thank you thank you thank you. Even if I don't always comment back (although I do try!) I read every single blog post in my reader.

And tomorrow I'll be headed home! Seattle, get ready :D

x's and o's,
Adrian.

p.s. I almost forgot!!

Day Seven- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care? 

They have no idea. They probably don't care. Actually I would guess that they would both say, 'you don't need to worry about that' but actually my dad would be happier if I were a bit thinner. But they really can't tell my weight I think. I can't really judge their weights, in my mind it's just that I'm significantly smaller than them, but I have no idea by how much. I baffle them because I'm thin and they don't really question me about it. They know I like to hit the gym, they know I like to eat fruits n veggies. But I've been making most of my own food since I was about 11 or so, and I'm pretty much a nutritional stranger to them. 

I'm going to tell them my plans to run a marathon, and I think that will cover up any weight fluctuation. So plans to 'get in shape' yeah, they'll be supportive of that. My dad used to always tell me when I was small, 

"become an athlete, Adrian. Because everyone in this society will make the choice, and at some point, we'll either be athletes, or dieters"

I'd much rather run 100 miles a week and eat an occasional guilt-free slice of cheesecake. 

hahaha I crack myself up. Can you imagine eating the occasional piece of guilt-free cheesecake. Hilarious. 

I feel fucking fantastic!

feeling like a BAMF this morning

oh yeaaaaah

Well, I weighed myself today even though I said I wouldn't, but it was after drinking a full liter of water and fully dressed- 139 lbs. Something about these kinds of cheat-weighs are nice for me. I know it's not accurate, so I can't totally freak out about it.

I've been mixing up my regular abs workout with P90X abs ripper, which has been a good change of pace, although I don't really feel sore from it today. Oh I also ran my 3.5 miles this morning, damn it feels good to be a gangster. I get on the treadmill and everything in my body is screaming 'you can't do this, just quit, there's no point' and then I start to think about it. Do I honestly think I can't? Even after I did it yesterday? No, what I really think is, 'I don't feel like it', 'I'm tired' but not, impossible. So then I man the fuck up and do it. Yep, this is me being on my high horse.

As to eating, I've been doing okay. Yesterday I netted 242 under my goal (1250 net) and today I had 1/2 cup of oatmeal with 1/2 cup of plain yogurt, 8 almonds, and some fresh fruit (pineapple, blueberries, apple, and grapes) and cinnamon for breakfast/lunch. Haven't counted up those cals yet, but should be under 400, which is what I burned running this morning.

any other news? Not really, Oscar texted me at 4:00 in the morning to tell me he was dancing on the graves in a Prague cemetery to 'popcorn' the song I introduced him to via this video:

haha sill Frenchman, he didn't know the Swedish Chef.

Other than that it's been very quiet, I'm just getting ready now to head back on thursday morning. Oh and hopefully I'll be going out to my friend's cabin on one of the san juan islands on thursday night to meet his girlfriend. Then I turn around a do this naked painted bike ride in Seattle on saturday, then it's father's day, then I have job interviews AHHHHH next week is going to be so busy. This is definitely the calm before the storm. But I've needed this break and really enjoyed it for the most part. 

okay time for the survey questions:

Day Five- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

Oh yeah, I'm for sure doing this for me. Sometimes I do think about all of the coaches, bitchy women, bitchy men, etc. who have teased me or commented on my weight, but usually I am just thinking about what I want to look like and feel like. I want to be the absolute best that I can be, and that's not reflected on my body right now. I look like I just spent the last four years in college binge drinking cheap beer, eating pizza and wings, and pulling all-nighters, which is exactly what I have been doing. I want to look fucking fierce, I want to be fucking strong, because the fact of the matter is, I am both of those things. I just have to make that discipline show.

Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

I haven't binged in a few weeks, and I am going to attribute that to two distinct things:

1) not being drunk. When I get drunk in the evenings, I come home and I just eat and eat and eat. The fullness makes me feel less drunk, it gives me something to do before I pass out so I don't get the spins, and it tastes delicious. This is a terrible habit, and I've been breaking it. It's a stupid way to live my life, and it never makes me feel good. 

2) eating enough during the day. Let's face it, binges often come because we restrict ourselves too much. We want to make up for the last binge, or we haven't seen the scale budge, or we've only let ourselves eat salad while the jar of nutella in the cabinet stares us down. I have forced myself to eat more during the day. If I get to the evening and have only had 500 calories, I've been making a controlled snack and eating it. I've been upping my fruit intake by a lot too, which I think helps with the sweet cravings and adds a lot of fiber, meaning I feel fuller than if I just had juice, or even a smoothie. 

I don't know if I've solved the binge eating forever, and I'm sure I'll have a few more bad days, but I am actively working to change the way I feel about food--in quantity, in quality, in viewing it as nutrition rather than an enemy or something to just fill up empty spaces. I'm trying to work smarter, not harder, to lose this weight. It's in no way easier, but the results have been better so far.

also, I've been lusting over what piercing I want to get lately, and here are some ideas. Thoughts? I have one surface piercing (a bar) on the nape of my neck already

Lovin' y'all constantly, 

-Adrian

one of those purity test-survey things...

Y'all are going to think I'm an extreme deviant. And you'd be right. I lifted this from Kat not Jas's blog :D Since blogger won't let me un-underline some things, I've highlighted in blue all the things I haven't done (there are much less of them anyways). I'm pretty much a-okay with this, and don't look forward to checking off any of the ones I haven't done yet. Except ride in a helicopter of course. 

strike out what you've done.

1. had sex
2. bought condoms
3. gotten pregnant
4. failed a class
5. kissed a boy
6. kissed a girl
7. used a little paper bag for lunch 
8. had a job 
9. slipped on ice
10. missed the school bus
11. left the house without my wallet/purse

12. bullied someone on the internet
13. sexted
14. had sex in public
15. played on a sports team
16. smoked weed
17. smoked cigarettes
18. smoked a cigar
19. drank alcohol
20. watched “The Breakfast Club”
21. been overweight
22 been underweight.
23. had an eating disorder
24. been to a wedding
25. made fun of someone for being fat (in the fifth grade, I will never forgive myself)
26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight
27. watched tv for 5 hours straight
28. been late for work
29. been late for school
30. kissed someone in the rain
31. showered with someone else
32. failed my drivers test
33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes
34. been outside my home country
35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours
36. gotten my heart broken
37. had a credit card
38. been to a professional sports game
49. broken a bone
40. been unhappy about my weight
41. won a trophy
42. cut myself
43. had an STD
44. got engaged
45. been on a diet
46. tried out to be on a tv show
47. rode in a taxi 
48. been to prom
49. played in a drinking game
50. stayed up for 24 hours or more
51. been to a concert
52. had a three-some
53. had a crush on someone of the same sex
54. been in a car accident 
55. had braces

56. learned another language 
57. killed an animal/bug
58. been at a yard sale
59. been to a japanese steakhouse
60. wore make up
61. talked to someone via webcam
62. lost my virginity before I was 16
63. had my wisdom teeth taken out
64. kissed someone a different race than myself
65. snuck out of the house
66. bought porn
67. had a virus on my computer
68. had oral sex
69. dyed my hair
70. gone skinny dipping
71. graduated from college
72. wore someone else’s clothes
73. voted in a presidential election
74. rode in an ambulance
75. rode in a helicopter
76. caught the stove on fire
77. got in a verbal fight
78. been on vacation
79. been on an airplane 
80. been on a boat
81. had surgery. (unless oral surgery counts)
82. kissed someone before I was 14. 
83. beat a video game (I was never allowed these as a child, and never got into them)
84. found something valuable on the ground
85. made a survey

86. stalked someone on facebook/myspace
87. prank called someone
88. been to a library outside of school
89. spent over $100 shopping in one day
90. cut my hair and hated it
91. peed outside
92. went fishing
93. helped with charity
94. taken a pregnancy test.
95. been rejected by a crush
96. been suspended from school
97. broken a mirror
98. faked sick from school (sooo many times!)
99. owned a pet
100. been to six flags

real post forthcoming after I paint/eat some more. Suffice to say I ran 3.5 miles this morning and had plain yogurt with fruit and nuts for breakfast/lunch. 

x's and o's,

Adrian

I said I'd post again, so I'm doing it

I'm just so tired in a way I haven't been in a long time. I think it's a tiredness of living with older people, I'm drawing on all my energy to help them out, so I'm all used up but I haven't done anything for myself. It's a really special kind of disengagement, I'm watching the days roll by, vaguely interested. I mean, I love spending time with my grandparents, but we just don't seem to get much done. I run every morning. Then I have some sort of brunch. I spend the rest of the day painting and sanding, then it's dinner time. Then they go to bed and I crawl to my computer.

Routine routine routine. I despise it in so many ways, but it works. I'm skipping my abs workout again tonight, because I'm just tired. Painting today was better exercise than I anticipated, rollering the ceiling especially so. Then I took a hot bath and lay out in the sun. I'm the laziest, I know, but things like that drain your energy too. Yesterday I ate 825 and counted no exercise. Today will net about 900. Makes me think I should go eat something else before bed, but I feel too lethargic even to run up the stairs and do that. Besides, I'm trying to kick the habit of eating alone in my bed. That's filed under the list of shitty college habits I need to break, along with smoking, drinking too much, being emotionally manipulative/passive aggressive, and probably a dozen other things.

Sorry, this is not an uplifting post in the slightest. I'm feeling anxious, and monstrous, and lonely. I'm afraid of my nightmares, and afraid of my life ahead of me. I want someone to rush into my life, not to save me, but just to hold my hand. I'm just so tired of 'working' the social scenes, I'm missing all my true loves and friends who I can just cuddle up next to and not say a word.

*sigh*

but at least I'm losing weight. If I can't have a stable, loving, social life, at least I can always fall back on having endless workouts and and empty stomach. Oh great I'm crying. I think this blog gets all my tears lately, so at least no one else sees them.

Okay I just need to let myself sleep and look at everything with fresh eyes tomorrow morning.

That said,

Day Four- Your greatest fears about weight loss.


Ouch, tough day for this one given the mood I'm in. 


Well for starters, sustainability. I'm afraid I really won't be able to maintain a weight under 130 ever again. In high school it was easy, I thought I'd never see 140 in my life. Four years later, I've crosses that line a half dozen times, and fighting down below 130 in a challenge that is going to require permanent changes. That's one reason this blog has been getting more of a fitness-over-fasting edge. I've restricted my intake for months at a time, dropped my weight waaaay down, and it always creeps back up when I'm not looking. So I want lifestyle changes, not impossible rules.


Another would be that no one will notice or care. My family never ever sees my weight change, and if I were truly to lose all this pudge and STILL no one saw me, I might feel like breaking. Being invisible sucks. 


That's all for now I thinks. 


goodnight,
Adrian