forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.

Yesterday was what people on a real diet might call a 'cheat' day and stop beating themselves up over it. Eating disordered people on the other hand, might realize that yesterday I ate like the folks I work with:

 (yeah, I work On a farm with cows and pigs, it's incongruent with the rest of my life, I know)

But I am not going to let this put me in a binge purge cycle NO! Instead of moaning about this awful thing that happened (that I MADE happen) I'm just going to dutifully report it in all its glory, analyze it, and make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm pretty sure I just ended up eating so much for two reasons:

1) I really didn't eat enough early on in the day. I got six hours of sleep and then was up from 9 am to 6 pm running off one cherry tomato because I was packing and driving to nyc.

2) All my friends seem to want to do when we get to nyc is eat eat eat. And it was Mai's birthday dinner!   Fuck my excuses, the last one on this binge list is going to be soooo embarrassing. No one made me buy a box of annies mac and cheese at 4 am but myself.

So yesterday I had:

1 cherry tomato for breakfast (4)
Then I had a wonderful french onion soup for lunch (but don't worry, I fed all the cheese topping to Dorian) so 200? at this great Bistro in Green Point, I'll have to ask Dorian and Oscar the name of it again. Have I mentioned that Oscar is Parisian by the way? Well, he is, and everyone there was french too so he just started chatting people up and before we knew it we had free wine coming in from the chef. Don't worry pretties, I didn't drink it. Instead I had my soup and sent off 13 pages of my thesis to my committee for our Monday meeting.

This is where the problems started. There were french fries with the soup. I didn't ask for them, and et there they were, staring me in the face. Such a tired old fat girl dilemma huh? But I had about 10. They were good, but not good enough. Add 100.

Then we went to a board game night in Williamsburg that was really fun, and on the way we picked up a Growler of Sierra Nevada Writer's Block. Great beer! Actually so great I had two cups of it. *sigh*. 263. Then Oscar and I hopped the metro up to the lower east side to meet Mai and her girlfriend and their cute queer friend who invited me to maybe go rock climbing with her next time I'm in the city (um can we make that SOON please then?). The pizza place they wanted to go was too full so we went to thai food instead. A place called the Thailand Cafe near St. Marks. The food was pretty decent, the cocktails were all five dollars! In Manhattan, what?

So Oscar and I split an appetizer plate that I thought was going to be all steamed pieces, but  two of them were actually fried. It was honestly pretty small, the biggest piece was probably the size of a golf ball, and the egg rolls were almost the exact dimensions of my pinky. Still, let's not be too kind here, I'm estimating that's 300 calories if I had 5 pieces. I also had two "Blossom"s- Gin, cranberry, and lime juice. Normally I don't even like fruity drinks but it was the cocktail special damnit. Ad 264

Then we went out to a couple bars to see the club Mai is go-going at tonight in the Village (looks cute, kind of wish I could stay, but then I'd be broke and fat broker and fatter), and then to see a bartender friend/stylist/model who she works with who wanted to give up birthday drinks. Oops! I did well with a vodka soda that I only barely started (trust me, I was feeling my blossoms) but then the bartender brought over shots of absolut peach. It was surprisingly good! I sipped mine though, no knocking back alcohol calories for me. Still 69. Then Oscar wonders over completely smashed because he's drinking Tanqueray  Martinis and no water and getting upset because they're more expensive than he thought. I don't know how he made such annoying behavior endearing and even cute, but he did. I got him some water, drank a bit of his martini, spilled more than a bit on the floor by "accident" and got the hell out of there.

Flash forward one drunken metro ride back to Wburg and Oscar is still wasted. This boy is 21 years old, you would have thought he'd figured out how to take care of himself by now. So I take him to a pizza place and he gets a spinach and mushroom pizza. I get water. He insists that I eat some and I had a few bites. 30?

Flash forward again, we're at a club called the Cove that is basically a long, low, tunnel shaped room, with a DJ at one end playing UK electro that makes you want to both dance your heart out and convinced you for a moment that you're on Skins. I got some water, found Dorian, and danced for about a half hour. At this point it's probably 2:30 in the morning-ish.

Oscar and I got bored of the dancing, (read, I was tired and Oscar was drunk) so we went for a walk around W.burg and stopped in at two bars. Oscar was broke, and I wasn't going to get cash out for him, so we had a water-fueled bar hop. It actually was kind of fun.

but then, then then. It's time to go home. Oscar, having had only water for the two hours, is convinced he will die (or at least be really, really lame) unless he gets more alcohol. I feel the same way about Mac n Cheese. We stop by a convenience store (why god, why are they open all the time? In my town, they close at 11 unless you want to walk 20 minutes, an that's enough time to convince me not to do it) So I picked up some Annies, a small plain non-fat yogurt to make it with, and some rice crackers to eat on the way. I know. 184 is what my calculator is telling me. and Oscar grabbed a six pack. Pilsner I think. I refused.

We came back to our friend's place in green point (don't worry, I at least shared the rice snacks) and crashed around :30 in the morning. I made the mac and cheese, oh yes, and I ate a lot of it too. My guess is around 300.

Oh god writing it all down just took so long!

In- food (1084) + booze (696) total: 1636
Out- walking 1 hour (294) + dancing 30 minutes (132) total: 426
Net: 1210.

wait what? 1210 isn't so bad. But if I'd just resisted the fries and mac n cheese and one or two drinks, I could have actually had a good day.

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I'm sorry this is the longest post ever, I'm just really trying to work through what happened. I was actually feeling great yesterday. Mai commented on how thin I look (compared to last time she saw me, not in general jeez) and my high waisted skinny jeans that used to be super tight on m were actually loose all around the top. Oh and I caught sight of myself n a window and it looked like I had the thigh gap without bending forward.

I guess I can't let myself think such positive thoughts if it lets me think I can eat as much as I did last night.

Last note: I know her weight has fluctuated a lot and she might not be the best thinspo, but I fucking love what a hot mess Helena Bonham Carter is, and when she's thin, she has something amazing going on.

With love and regret,
Adrian