tonight felt awful

I don't know what came over me. Or maybe I do. I ate a small plate of scrambled eggs with tomato, spinach, and mushroom this morning that Oscar made me. I also had a piece of burnt rye toast with that. I felt really full and sad, so I walked up the street to the coffee shop to do some work with Dorian (Anna's boyfriend, my ex-roommate). He expressed some concern about my recent weight loss when I told him that I wanted to try the one hundred pushup challenge which I'd like to start tonight before bed. It was sweet of him, I know that he used to be both bulimic and on a lot of speed to lose weight. Anyways I couldn't even think about this being a problem because I was feeling so full from breakfast (by my calculations, 275 calories).

But then Oscar came up to meet us and we drove to the college to go for a swim. The pool was closed though until 8:30 so I sat down and wrote four pages of my thesis chapter to give to my committee tomorrow.  My only suit is the vintage one I bought last year and I've been afraid of putting it in chlorine, so I borrowed a top from the lost and found and wore Oscar's swim trunks. They didn't fit! wheeeee I had to wear boxers underneath them and cinch them up so they wouldn't fall off. That was a great feeling. We swam laps for 30 minutes, I stayed in the pool the whole time although I took breaks treading water in the deep end a few times. Then we went to the sauna and dried off a bit, but I started to get pretty light headed. That was 9:30 at night that we hopped out of the pool, so I hadn't eaten for a while.

We decided to go to a bar together with Oscar's boyfriend, Tony, and Dorian but I realized that if I was having a drink at the bar and driving home it would be really irresponsible not to eat anything considering at that point I was running on negative calories for the day. So I had an icky icky meal at the school cafe because it was free.

I truly, passionately hate food without love. I never buy pizza. I hate energy bars. Occasionally on a binge or if I'm stoned, I will shovel taco bell into my face, but that's a special deal because it has its own ritual. I need food to either be carefully prepared and presented by myself or others, or otherwise to go out to a restaurant and make something special of it. I need "meal time". Otherwise, why waste calories on something so meaningless?

So I had a cup of vegetable soup (100) and half of a roast beef sandwich. Oh an half a pickle. I wasn't quite sure how to calculate the sandwich calories which made me mad, but to stay safe I went with the calculations for a subway 6 inch roast beef, which was definitely larger than what I ate. So I had 410 total (if we aim high)

You might think I was done for the day but no no, how wrong you would be. We went out to the bar and I grabbed a beer (Racer 5 IPA, delicious) then someone convinced me to go to ANOTHER bar to play a round of pool. A round turned into 5 and Oscar owed me a drink so I got a glass of Pinot Grigio (see me making the smart choice?)

Anyways, then Dorian drove me home and I left my car at the college because I'll be gone in NYC for the weekend and at home me and Tony stayed up for about an hour and a half just talking talking talking about everything. The little and the big. Why I hate the idea of transcendence but still cling to it. Practicing freedom vs. practicing liberation. How you can't love someone that you think you know completely, and how having a lover say they think they know everything about you is one of the most hurtful things to hear. It was great.

However, the whole time we were talking I was cooking cooking. I had ANOTHER piece of rye toast and made myself a kind of leftover soup with some black beans, some tomatoes, some chicken brtoh, some kimchi, some broccoli, oh jesus, just about anything you could throw into a pot I put in that soup. Mushrooms and fish sauce to boot. But judging how my soup calories have been going, I'm going to say that little late night binge couldn't have cost me more than 200.

so time for the cold hard calculations:

In- 885 in food, 270 in alcohol, 1155 total
Out- 238
Net- 917

grrrr that's definitely a little high but I am NOT trying to starve myself. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I do not want to let myself feel malnourished and find myself binging later on. 917 today and 600 tomorrow is better than 0 today and 2000 tomorrow in one sitting.

In other news, I'm super excited to see my friend Mai in NYC for her birthday tomorrow night. She's so beautiful, I have to find a picture of her to post on here. And she's going back to college! yaaay goals.

oh here are a few pics too of what I've been thinking about today. I want to be both the perfect 50's housewife and the perfect 50's greaser, you know? I want elbow length leather gloves, victory curls, and pleated trousers.