picture day...

I just realized that I missed picture-progress day yesterday. I guess I don't feel like I've made much progress, plus I'm starting to wonder if I'm a little bloated because I should be starting my period soon, but anyways here we go:

I decided to add a side view, and if you haven't seen past photos, they're in the archives. I'm doing one set per week. 

Anyways, I can't get over how fat my back looks. My front I see all the time, but that back? shapeless, massive, pinched in my my underwear. *sigh*Also, the hairy armpits make an appearance. Yep, I don't shave them. It's been three years since I stopped, the only times I have actually shaved were when I was in weddings in sleeveless dresses. I don't feel like my feminism should take over some other woman's big day. 

In other news, a really weird thing happened when I tried to eat today. Before my meeting, I made myself 1 cup of white bean soup and a piece of whole wheat toast (whole grains+beans= complete protein!) but when I put the first bite in my mouth, I started sneezing. Then I felt like I was going to vomit. I was just staring at this soup, feeling nauseous, talking to it. "You're just a fucking bowl of soup, I said, "you can't be more than 150 calories. If I don't eat you, I may be thinner, or the following may happen: 1) I'll pass out in my meeting. result: I fuck up and people start watching me to make sure I'm eating. 2) I feel good until I get ravenous and start to binge like a chub-monster. Just get in my fucking stomach and we can be done, okay?" I swallowed down the soup, but could not touch the toast. 

My meeting went well, somehow my prof only got about half my writing, so he reprimanded me a little but I was able to send him the rest. I have to finish this chapter by next monday, so I have one week. 

After the meeting, I met up with Oscar and he bought me dinner at the school cafe. Luckily, they had 110 calorie fruit cups with honeydew melon, cantaloupe, pineapple, and strawberries, so that's what I had. It was divine. Then he and I went to the bar near the school that lets you smoke inside and played a few rounds of pool and split a pitcher of beer. I feel like the poster girl for drunkorexia. 

So, when I got back home I was all set to go to bed but 1) Oscar broke the window in my bedroom last night so it's freezing and I have to sleep in his bed (normally I only sleep in his room when he's here, otherwise I like my own space) and 2) Tony came home and wanted to hang out, so we did a quick workout and then I grabbed a half-cup of soup (80?) with a piece of rye toast (80). 

We tried the 4 minute workout that i saw on someone else's blog and is posted on the side there, then we did week 3 day 2 of the 100 pushups challenge, then 10 minutes of yoga, then 10 minutes of abs. Nothing too arduous, just enough to make me feel a little better about myself. I'd really like to get out and do some real cardio, but it's so FUCKING cold out I can't bring myself to. I'm not from the North East and I will never, ever get used to what people consider normal here weather-wise. 

Also, what on earth is dressing cute supposed to look like in this weather? Dorian gave me a beautiful brown and black cape over the weekend that needs black leggings or skinny jeans and boots, not layers of sweatshirts and puffy vests which is all I can bring myself to put on. 

Lastly, my phone is dead so no calculating calories today. I can't imagine I went over 1000, certainly not over 400 in food, but those damn beers do add up quickly. 

stay lovely, lovely ones. 

-Adrian. 

threesomes and loneliness

A quickish update. I woke up at 3:00 pm today, meaning I slept for at least 12 hours, maybe more. What? Luckily, my meeting isn't until 7:00 pm, but still, not sure what happened there, I gues my body must have still been recovering from the E.

Yesterday went alrightish. I could NOT do any exercise whatsoever between being in a car again for hours and being so physically and emotionally drained. I had one egg scrambled, one piece of light bacon, one strawberry, half a sausage link, and half an apple for breakfast. Then on the car ride home Dorian bought a huuuge bag of cool ranch doritos for everyone to eat. I completely resisted, but I did have five almonds instead. Savoring those while watching everyone else cram chips was a great feeling. I also told myself I could have an applesauce cup if I wanted it, but didn't end up being hungry. When we got home I finished off some leftover veggie soup though (100?) and Oscar and I cooked dinner. I made a white bean soup with chicken broth, white beans, carrots, onion, celery, and tarragon, he made a pasta with tomatoes, spinach, and muchrooms in a béarnaise sauce. If you don't know what goes into that sauce, don't look it up, it will turn your stomach. Basically cups of butter and milk. I ended up having two cups of my soup and about a cup of Oscar's pasta. I strated with less but ended up raiding the fridge before bed! ugh. Also I had one beer an three malt balls.

warning, if you are prudish/ sexually normal skip ahead a paragraph: Speaking of bed though, somehow I ended up in the threesome last night. Now, I don't want this blog to get way too raunchy, but the fact of the matter is I ended up going to watch a movie in bed with Oscar and Baby (a good friend of ours who we've both hooked up with before, a mostly-gay dude) and I was kind of falling asleep but rubbing up on baby, and Oscar comes around and starts spooning both of us. One thing leads to another and Oscar ended up fucking Baby in the ass while baby rubbed up on me/ fingered me. Yep, weird. I'm not on birth control right now so no penetration for me though. Oh and another weird thing about it was that after Oscar finished he went to go have a cigarette in the living room and Baby asked if I had a problem with kissing people on the lips. I hadn't really thought about it, but somehow it did feel really wrong to do that with Oscar around. I guess I'm not over him in some ways? Or maybe it's just that I don't like mouth kissing in group sex, it feels kind of ingenuous. I don't look for intimacy where I'm not going to find it.

As for today, so far I've just had an espresso and a cup of green tea. I feel like I should have something before i go to my meeting but nothing is sounding that good. Maybe another cup of white bean soup, there's plenty of it. Oh i also have some baby bok choy to use up, but maybe that can be my midnight snack (considering how late I woke up, I doubt I'll be in bed before 3:00 am tonight).

Oh and the loneliness I wanted to mention. It's not just the loneliness of looking a lover in the eye while he fucks someone else. It's the loneliness of the secret growing inside me and eating up my hunger. It's so hard to sneak around and tell Oscar that I don't want to go out to breakfast with him, even though he knows how much I love that shit. Of trying to sneak the other scale into my bedroom so no one will see me weighing myself (yep, still at 131) and of trying to push people out of the house so I can just fucking work out and blog. It's a strong kind of lonely because it also means I don't need people. I need them to not be around. I welcome it, because it fills me up.

I might post again tonight, I think Oscar is spending the night at his boyfriend's place so I'll probably be hanging out on my own and working on my thesis.

Are there calories in ecstasy?

I think we can assume any dancing outweighed the >5 calories consumed. Last night was wild, fun, gorgeous. Dorian was DJing a show in Boston, so when we woke up in NYC we grabbed coffee and deli food and ran. Not good, safe, fruity veggie food mind you. A deli tuna sandwich and some Motts apple sauce. I had half a sandwich and a cup of sauce. Oh and before we left the house I managed to start the 100 pushups challenge finally and do a quick 10 minutes of abs. Hooray!

Anyways, we drove up to Boston and got in around 7:30 pm, just in time for dinner with his family. This was my biggest indiscretion, I had two lamb chops. They were small! But I ought to have stopped myself. Along with those I had 10 brussels sprouts, a steamed artichoke, and about a half cup of rice.

Then we got dressed for the freak show. I'm hesitant to show pictures of my face on here, but I'd love to share the outfit because it was so silly. Aw what the hell.

Yep, I wore a monocle and black lipstick. No regrets. 

Anyways, we went to the club (had a vodka soda before hand) and there was a line all down the street. I love showing up like a freak and being on the guest list, I went right in and started getting free beers and dancing my ass off. I had three IPAs, a lemony shot and a shot of Jameson. Wow! I didn't even realize I had that much until just now. The bartenders kept giving me and my friends drinks because we always come out to Dorian's shows and dance, and because they were in a great mood because the place was so packed. So yeah, danced my ass off continuously while drinking from 11:00-2:00

It was actually at a weird after-party that Oscar and I split an E tablet and I played twister for about an hour. Then we came back to Dorian's parent's place and D. and Oscar's boyfriend (who randomly came out and tagged along, but for once I didn't feel jealous or resentful) both went to bed and Oscar and I stayed up talking about life and the universe and everything on this little planet. We agreed that we don't want to make a life together but we want one another in our lives. Or some bullshit like that. I'm wildly in love with Oscar's intellect and kindness (and ethereal beauty, seriously), but we both know that this isn't a sexy-times relationship. It's more of an incestuous fraternity. 

We crashed as the sun came up, and oddly enough, I woke up five hours later feeling great. I'm just having some coffee and considering some toast or an egg or something. Having food earlier yesterday definitely helped curb the binge, although I promise the E did too. Part of me just wants to get home though so I can make my own food and know what goes into it, save money, take my time. I'm a slooow eater. 

Speaking of going home, I used the scale here at Dorian's place this morning. 131.6 Poo! I know scales can have variation, but I'm chalking this up to spending a whole weekend pretty much living meal to meal and riding in cars.  I need to hit my first goal, and I need to figure out my reward! I think it might be leg warmers, tights, and socks. I'm completely leg and foot obsessed, my feet get so cold and wet all the time in winter!

Oh right, the maths. Well, according to MyFitnessPal (is anyone else on this? I'd love to add friends!) here's where I'm at for yesterday:

Motts- 100

1/2 tuna sandwich (I called it a subway 6 inch just in case but it was smaller) 245

2 lamb chops- 320

1/2 cup rice pilaf- 110

10 brussels sprouts- 76

1 artichoke- 60

food total: 911

booze- 617

TOTAL INTAKE: 1528 wow wow wow

but, abs and pushups, plus walking around, plus dancing my ass off and playing twister

TOTAL OUT: 608 (actually I didn't try and calculate the 40 minutes of walking and twister, let's call those extra calories burned to make up for any bad math)

NET: 920

okay I have to go now lovelies. Oh and I have two followers! thanks so much guys, I know my posts can be a little math-y and long and frequent, but it feels amazing to not just be typing words out into the wasteland of the internet. 

good luck!

-Adrian

forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.

Yesterday was what people on a real diet might call a 'cheat' day and stop beating themselves up over it. Eating disordered people on the other hand, might realize that yesterday I ate like the folks I work with:

 (yeah, I work On a farm with cows and pigs, it's incongruent with the rest of my life, I know)

But I am not going to let this put me in a binge purge cycle NO! Instead of moaning about this awful thing that happened (that I MADE happen) I'm just going to dutifully report it in all its glory, analyze it, and make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm pretty sure I just ended up eating so much for two reasons:

1) I really didn't eat enough early on in the day. I got six hours of sleep and then was up from 9 am to 6 pm running off one cherry tomato because I was packing and driving to nyc.

2) All my friends seem to want to do when we get to nyc is eat eat eat. And it was Mai's birthday dinner!   Fuck my excuses, the last one on this binge list is going to be soooo embarrassing. No one made me buy a box of annies mac and cheese at 4 am but myself.

So yesterday I had:

1 cherry tomato for breakfast (4)
Then I had a wonderful french onion soup for lunch (but don't worry, I fed all the cheese topping to Dorian) so 200? at this great Bistro in Green Point, I'll have to ask Dorian and Oscar the name of it again. Have I mentioned that Oscar is Parisian by the way? Well, he is, and everyone there was french too so he just started chatting people up and before we knew it we had free wine coming in from the chef. Don't worry pretties, I didn't drink it. Instead I had my soup and sent off 13 pages of my thesis to my committee for our Monday meeting.

This is where the problems started. There were french fries with the soup. I didn't ask for them, and et there they were, staring me in the face. Such a tired old fat girl dilemma huh? But I had about 10. They were good, but not good enough. Add 100.

Then we went to a board game night in Williamsburg that was really fun, and on the way we picked up a Growler of Sierra Nevada Writer's Block. Great beer! Actually so great I had two cups of it. *sigh*. 263. Then Oscar and I hopped the metro up to the lower east side to meet Mai and her girlfriend and their cute queer friend who invited me to maybe go rock climbing with her next time I'm in the city (um can we make that SOON please then?). The pizza place they wanted to go was too full so we went to thai food instead. A place called the Thailand Cafe near St. Marks. The food was pretty decent, the cocktails were all five dollars! In Manhattan, what?

So Oscar and I split an appetizer plate that I thought was going to be all steamed pieces, but  two of them were actually fried. It was honestly pretty small, the biggest piece was probably the size of a golf ball, and the egg rolls were almost the exact dimensions of my pinky. Still, let's not be too kind here, I'm estimating that's 300 calories if I had 5 pieces. I also had two "Blossom"s- Gin, cranberry, and lime juice. Normally I don't even like fruity drinks but it was the cocktail special damnit. Ad 264

Then we went out to a couple bars to see the club Mai is go-going at tonight in the Village (looks cute, kind of wish I could stay, but then I'd be broke and fat broker and fatter), and then to see a bartender friend/stylist/model who she works with who wanted to give up birthday drinks. Oops! I did well with a vodka soda that I only barely started (trust me, I was feeling my blossoms) but then the bartender brought over shots of absolut peach. It was surprisingly good! I sipped mine though, no knocking back alcohol calories for me. Still 69. Then Oscar wonders over completely smashed because he's drinking Tanqueray  Martinis and no water and getting upset because they're more expensive than he thought. I don't know how he made such annoying behavior endearing and even cute, but he did. I got him some water, drank a bit of his martini, spilled more than a bit on the floor by "accident" and got the hell out of there.

Flash forward one drunken metro ride back to Wburg and Oscar is still wasted. This boy is 21 years old, you would have thought he'd figured out how to take care of himself by now. So I take him to a pizza place and he gets a spinach and mushroom pizza. I get water. He insists that I eat some and I had a few bites. 30?

Flash forward again, we're at a club called the Cove that is basically a long, low, tunnel shaped room, with a DJ at one end playing UK electro that makes you want to both dance your heart out and convinced you for a moment that you're on Skins. I got some water, found Dorian, and danced for about a half hour. At this point it's probably 2:30 in the morning-ish.

Oscar and I got bored of the dancing, (read, I was tired and Oscar was drunk) so we went for a walk around W.burg and stopped in at two bars. Oscar was broke, and I wasn't going to get cash out for him, so we had a water-fueled bar hop. It actually was kind of fun.

but then, then then. It's time to go home. Oscar, having had only water for the two hours, is convinced he will die (or at least be really, really lame) unless he gets more alcohol. I feel the same way about Mac n Cheese. We stop by a convenience store (why god, why are they open all the time? In my town, they close at 11 unless you want to walk 20 minutes, an that's enough time to convince me not to do it) So I picked up some Annies, a small plain non-fat yogurt to make it with, and some rice crackers to eat on the way. I know. 184 is what my calculator is telling me. and Oscar grabbed a six pack. Pilsner I think. I refused.

We came back to our friend's place in green point (don't worry, I at least shared the rice snacks) and crashed around :30 in the morning. I made the mac and cheese, oh yes, and I ate a lot of it too. My guess is around 300.

Oh god writing it all down just took so long!

In- food (1084) + booze (696) total: 1636
Out- walking 1 hour (294) + dancing 30 minutes (132) total: 426
Net: 1210.

wait what? 1210 isn't so bad. But if I'd just resisted the fries and mac n cheese and one or two drinks, I could have actually had a good day.

-----

I'm sorry this is the longest post ever, I'm just really trying to work through what happened. I was actually feeling great yesterday. Mai commented on how thin I look (compared to last time she saw me, not in general jeez) and my high waisted skinny jeans that used to be super tight on m were actually loose all around the top. Oh and I caught sight of myself n a window and it looked like I had the thigh gap without bending forward.

I guess I can't let myself think such positive thoughts if it lets me think I can eat as much as I did last night.

Last note: I know her weight has fluctuated a lot and she might not be the best thinspo, but I fucking love what a hot mess Helena Bonham Carter is, and when she's thin, she has something amazing going on.

With love and regret,
Adrian

tonight felt awful

I don't know what came over me. Or maybe I do. I ate a small plate of scrambled eggs with tomato, spinach, and mushroom this morning that Oscar made me. I also had a piece of burnt rye toast with that. I felt really full and sad, so I walked up the street to the coffee shop to do some work with Dorian (Anna's boyfriend, my ex-roommate). He expressed some concern about my recent weight loss when I told him that I wanted to try the one hundred pushup challenge which I'd like to start tonight before bed. It was sweet of him, I know that he used to be both bulimic and on a lot of speed to lose weight. Anyways I couldn't even think about this being a problem because I was feeling so full from breakfast (by my calculations, 275 calories).

But then Oscar came up to meet us and we drove to the college to go for a swim. The pool was closed though until 8:30 so I sat down and wrote four pages of my thesis chapter to give to my committee tomorrow.  My only suit is the vintage one I bought last year and I've been afraid of putting it in chlorine, so I borrowed a top from the lost and found and wore Oscar's swim trunks. They didn't fit! wheeeee I had to wear boxers underneath them and cinch them up so they wouldn't fall off. That was a great feeling. We swam laps for 30 minutes, I stayed in the pool the whole time although I took breaks treading water in the deep end a few times. Then we went to the sauna and dried off a bit, but I started to get pretty light headed. That was 9:30 at night that we hopped out of the pool, so I hadn't eaten for a while.

We decided to go to a bar together with Oscar's boyfriend, Tony, and Dorian but I realized that if I was having a drink at the bar and driving home it would be really irresponsible not to eat anything considering at that point I was running on negative calories for the day. So I had an icky icky meal at the school cafe because it was free.

I truly, passionately hate food without love. I never buy pizza. I hate energy bars. Occasionally on a binge or if I'm stoned, I will shovel taco bell into my face, but that's a special deal because it has its own ritual. I need food to either be carefully prepared and presented by myself or others, or otherwise to go out to a restaurant and make something special of it. I need "meal time". Otherwise, why waste calories on something so meaningless?

So I had a cup of vegetable soup (100) and half of a roast beef sandwich. Oh an half a pickle. I wasn't quite sure how to calculate the sandwich calories which made me mad, but to stay safe I went with the calculations for a subway 6 inch roast beef, which was definitely larger than what I ate. So I had 410 total (if we aim high)

You might think I was done for the day but no no, how wrong you would be. We went out to the bar and I grabbed a beer (Racer 5 IPA, delicious) then someone convinced me to go to ANOTHER bar to play a round of pool. A round turned into 5 and Oscar owed me a drink so I got a glass of Pinot Grigio (see me making the smart choice?)

Anyways, then Dorian drove me home and I left my car at the college because I'll be gone in NYC for the weekend and at home me and Tony stayed up for about an hour and a half just talking talking talking about everything. The little and the big. Why I hate the idea of transcendence but still cling to it. Practicing freedom vs. practicing liberation. How you can't love someone that you think you know completely, and how having a lover say they think they know everything about you is one of the most hurtful things to hear. It was great.

However, the whole time we were talking I was cooking cooking. I had ANOTHER piece of rye toast and made myself a kind of leftover soup with some black beans, some tomatoes, some chicken brtoh, some kimchi, some broccoli, oh jesus, just about anything you could throw into a pot I put in that soup. Mushrooms and fish sauce to boot. But judging how my soup calories have been going, I'm going to say that little late night binge couldn't have cost me more than 200.

so time for the cold hard calculations:

In- 885 in food, 270 in alcohol, 1155 total
Out- 238
Net- 917

grrrr that's definitely a little high but I am NOT trying to starve myself. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I do not want to let myself feel malnourished and find myself binging later on. 917 today and 600 tomorrow is better than 0 today and 2000 tomorrow in one sitting.

In other news, I'm super excited to see my friend Mai in NYC for her birthday tomorrow night. She's so beautiful, I have to find a picture of her to post on here. And she's going back to college! yaaay goals.

oh here are a few pics too of what I've been thinking about today. I want to be both the perfect 50's housewife and the perfect 50's greaser, you know? I want elbow length leather gloves, victory curls, and pleated trousers.

checking in before the boy makes me eggs, highschool thinspo :(

Well I did have that late night snack last night and WOW was it a bad idea. I wasn't really hungry after my workout but I thought I should eat something before bed... it just made me want to binge so badly. That was the closest I've gotten so far to binging this year. But Oscar came home and I resisted because we stayed up just talking to each other before falling asleep with my head on his chest. Ah Bliss. Now he's made me coffee in bed and he's about to run out and buy eggs for brunch. Blech, but he agreed to go swimming with me later today, then I'll do an abs workout and maybe some yoga.

I thought I'd post a little thinspo here that's pretty dear to my heart. Yeah, I know I'm about to turn 22 and it's been almost five years since high school or something, but since falling into some of my high school ways I've been thinking a lot about the skinny girls from high school who hurt me in one way or another. Made me feel bad about how I looked or acted because I was less polished even at my thinnest, and always a freak. They weren't terrible people by any means, but they came in to my friend group (all guys) as a clique of thin, pretty girls who caused drama and ignored me because I was one of the dudes.

I probably won't see these girls (women now I suppose) unless I go back to my home town and run into them at the bar. #1 is married to a man twice her age, 2 and 3 are both sorority girls at the local college I think. But High school scars run deep. These girls aren't even that thin compared to some of the pictures I covet. Still, I just want to blow them away if we ever run into one another. I want to be unrecognizable, like they could see me in a coffee shop and say something bitchy about the skinny chick getting a black coffee and I could turn around and reintroduce myself. "Hi, it's me, Adrian. It's been so long"

p.s. I almost forgot! It's really hard to tell on my analogue scale but I thiiiiink I went under 130 today. While the by is out I'm going to see what kind of batteries the other scale takes and I can get back on precise track. 

wednesday night sign-off

Well goodnight. Today didn't go great as far as schoolwork, but in all not a loss. After my last post I sent an email out to the artist I'm working with containing interview questions; hopefully I'll hear back from her tomorrow, either way I'm writing five pages to give to my committee before I leave for NYC.

I also set the date of my 22nd birthday party! It's February 12 (my birthday being the 7th) and by that time I'd like to be 125 lbs. The theme is fancy cats, silly I know but I love thinking about everyone in formal attire and whiskers, eating goldfish out of bowls and drinking Pabst Blue Kittens and cat-themes cocktails. I'm even going to McDonalds and picking up 20 dollar menu cheeseburgers for an I-can-haz theme. Any punny suggestions for drinks and food are appreciated. My friends are DJing remixes of cat songs as well as having a general electro dance party, inviting about 100 guests. Yay!

In other news, I made a red curry for dinner with baby bok choy, shaved carrots, onions, garlic, and bean sprouts in coconut milk. Had about 1/4 cup rice to go with, but my friend was watching when I entered my calories so I said 1/2 cup- safe right? My other friend brought over a sweet potato and kale gratin, of which I had a half cup serving. Not bad really, but it was certainly a full meal. Afterwards, we went to the bar to play a game of pool or 8. I won a few games, but since starting exercise and diet, I haven't been so interested in becoming a pool shark.

At the pool hall though my friends commented on my weight loss and asked me how much I lost. I was happy to say 12 pounds and they told me I looked great, but then told me to stop. How encouraging! I can't wait to be 10 lbs lighter and have that be a valid point. I had two glasses of white wine at the bar, but then I came home and did the same abs workout as yesterday. So all in all:

Breakfast and lunch, soup and sandwich: 298
dinner curry and gratin : 446

food intake 646

drinks: 200

total intake: 944

exercise: 235 abs workout and 32 walking this morning total 267

net total: 677

I'll probably go make myself a half cup of black bean chili and a piece of rye toast to make sure I keep closer to 1000, although honestly this already feels like a lot today.

Stay beautiful everyone (if anyone reads this)!