sitting in the library drinking some iced coffee. I'm having a rough time. Yesterday I worked out, ran for 20 minutes and then rock climbed for an hour. Went home and made myself a big plate of kale and zucchini steamed, plus a boiled sweet potato with salt and cinnamon. I was doing so well, I was all alone, I was going to bed, and then everything went to shit.
I want to lose weight, but I do NOT NOT want the awful food issues I'd somehow forgotten about. They've started up again. Disgusting things. Because I won't let myself eat what I want, I end up punishing myself further by eating things that aren't food anymore. It is really disturbing, really gross, really really not okay. I ate a bunch of chocolate that had gone bad...the kind that is falling apart into powder because it has been heated and cooled too many times. I scraped days-old food off of dirty dishes and forced it into my mouth. I ate carrots that should have been thrown away (they were starting to grow hairs). I ate plain sugar with my hands. I ate the rind off of the cheese in the fridge. Somehow in my head, if food is really awful, no longer 'food' it becomes 'okay' to eat because I don't enjoy it. And the whole time that I did this part of my mind was screaming at me, horrified, powerless. It only stopped when Oscar called and said he was coming home. I'd been watching 'the truth about size O' while I ate raw kale stems and cheese rinds. Anyone seen it? It made me really worried that I'm losing muscle.
Anyways, I realized that I was acting like a crazy person. I used to eat chalk, I still eat paper, but eating food that's gone bad is somehow much worse. I then flipped and turned into a real-binge, eating two chocolate bars, a granola bar, two lollipops, and half a quesadilla. By the time oscar got home I was lying on the couch, stomach distended, in a lot of pain. I kept having acid reflux, would not let myself throw up.
No, no no no no. This is fucked up. This is exactly what I don't want to get in to. I need to find ways to eat REAL FOOD and exercise enough and not let this kind of shit happen.
So today I had a half cup of pineapple, two tangerines, and a cup of steamed kale with garlic with a poached egg on top. This is reasonable. I will eat dinner. I will work out. I will not starve and I will eat whole foods. I'm sorry if this is terribly uninspiring, but I really scared myself last night. There has to be a (mentally) healthy way of getting to my goal weight. I do not want to start bingeing on rotten food, candles, and nutella. That is crazy, and won't make me thin.
-Adrian
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