I am not sure why (read: I'm totally sure why) this happened, but whatever. It was more annoying than scary.
So somehow this made me feel totally paralyzed. Does anyone else get this? I wasn't feeling that great, so I couldn't convince myself to exercise, which meant that I couldn't justify eating or leaving the house. All day. I missed my meeting with my committee, I didn't get my car taken care of (Tony broke the key off in the lock on friday and I ha to get a new key made), in fact I didn't do ANYTHING but drink black coffee. Eventually I went out and did a little homework at a coffee shop with Dorian around 6:00, played a couple rounds of pool, and came home where Oscar made Ratatouille with quinoa. I ate a small portion around 10:30 pm, my first meal of the day and almost all veggies (we were almost out of quinoa). I also had a little bread and cheese though, and later I had a couple spoonfuls of Nutella dipped in unsweetened coconut. I don't know why I've had this intense sweet tooth, whatever. It needs to stop. So yeah, no exercise but walking around (also doing abs while I watched the Daily show and Colbert Report) and probably 800 calories in food. Oh and some wine. Paralysis like this is THE WORST, because of course it makes me binge at night.
Also I started to go a little artistically nuts last night...have I mentioned that I am partially an art major? Yep, and lately I've been feeling likewise bottled up, numbed, I'm sure you all know the spiel. It's one of the things that makes controlling my body so important, satisfying, sanitary. Anyways, I wrote some thoughts down I think I'll share in case I need them later or someone else does:
There's something so closed off that I forget about it, and when I remember it's sore and sharp and angry. It comes bursting out tooHot and saltysweet, too floral and sweaty. It's the thing that makes me cry at the good, the bad, or the mundane stories from Indian Country when no one is watching. It's the scab that keeps me silent when strangers bring up my home.
Sometimes my friends will give me strange looks later on. 'that person said they were Indian' or 'that they had been to a rez' or 'that they had read a book'. 'why didn't you say anything?' Because my heart was busy breaking of course, same old shit. Because I can only smile and nod so many times before my neck goes stiff and my hands go cold. And it's a privilege, I know, to choose to disengage. It's my light coloring that allows me to drift out of my body in these moments and not be called back by name. Usually.
I assume everyone else is feeling these oppositional pulls of anxiety and guilt. I have no illusions of originality in this sense. It's one of the only convictions, in fact, that keeps me sane, that lets me believe in anythning: a commitment to doubt. But the callouses doubt builds start to chafe. When it seems like the only real things are secret joys and sadnesses, the unspeakable, it makes for a long, lonely horizon. Can we truly share a half-truth? half-secret? a doubt? a silence? I'd rather you taste my salt, but maybe that's the same thing.
And if that all seems too ambiguous, I'm planning on holding a reverse cannibalism potlach in a few weeks. Yep, just me going crazy over here.
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Today has been much better. Saner at least. Woke up hungover and went with Tony to get the car keys...success! picked up my car and immediately went grocery shopping. I am grocery-obsessed, seriously. It's not that okay. I bought asparagus, zuchinni, garlic, a pineapple, an apple, green bell peppers, carrots, celery, and kale. Nommers. Told myself I could have the apple for breakfast, but haven't wanted it yet.
then I came to the college and started setting up my study space, had a meeting about the second degree I'm getting at the same time as my current one (it's like an honors degree from one of the other colleges in the area). Now I'm going to eat this apple and go hit the treadmill then settle into some more work. I think Oscar wants to go swimming tonight, so that would be a nice extra workout. I have been totally slacking on the weight-loss front and I want it god damn it! I need it! motivate, motivate, motivate! (I sound like I'm casting a harry potter spell there).
Do well everyone, and hello to my new followers! Elara, I was so excited when you commented, because I'd just been reading through some of your archives. The Boston rally should have been bigger, I'm really always surprised when an event goes like this...I guess it's just planning. Still, I get a little ticked off that Dorian can pull in more people to a club on a friday night than will show up to protest to protect our own civil rights.
Lots of love,
Adrian
The bloody nose would have been a lovely Monday morning surprise! I loved reading your "thoughts"- you're such a good writer! I have days sort of like that where I don't want to do anything. And two degrees at once? That's awesome- I bet being an art major would be full of creativity (and work, of course). What sorts of art do you do? I'm sure you might've mentioned it in a previous post or something, but I was just curiou. Oh, food shopping- you gotta love it, even though we try to avoid food. But there's so many different kids and loads of ways to fix food! Sometimes it's nice to just look at all the different varieties out there!
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