I'm just so tired in a way I haven't been in a long time. I think it's a tiredness of living with older people, I'm drawing on all my energy to help them out, so I'm all used up but I haven't done anything for myself. It's a really special kind of disengagement, I'm watching the days roll by, vaguely interested. I mean, I love spending time with my grandparents, but we just don't seem to get much done. I run every morning. Then I have some sort of brunch. I spend the rest of the day painting and sanding, then it's dinner time. Then they go to bed and I crawl to my computer.
Routine routine routine. I despise it in so many ways, but it works. I'm skipping my abs workout again tonight, because I'm just tired. Painting today was better exercise than I anticipated, rollering the ceiling especially so. Then I took a hot bath and lay out in the sun. I'm the laziest, I know, but things like that drain your energy too. Yesterday I ate 825 and counted no exercise. Today will net about 900. Makes me think I should go eat something else before bed, but I feel too lethargic even to run up the stairs and do that. Besides, I'm trying to kick the habit of eating alone in my bed. That's filed under the list of shitty college habits I need to break, along with smoking, drinking too much, being emotionally manipulative/passive aggressive, and probably a dozen other things.
Sorry, this is not an uplifting post in the slightest. I'm feeling anxious, and monstrous, and lonely. I'm afraid of my nightmares, and afraid of my life ahead of me. I want someone to rush into my life, not to save me, but just to hold my hand. I'm just so tired of 'working' the social scenes, I'm missing all my true loves and friends who I can just cuddle up next to and not say a word.
*sigh*
but at least I'm losing weight. If I can't have a stable, loving, social life, at least I can always fall back on having endless workouts and and empty stomach. Oh great I'm crying. I think this blog gets all my tears lately, so at least no one else sees them.
Okay I just need to let myself sleep and look at everything with fresh eyes tomorrow morning.
That said,
Day Four- Your greatest fears about weight loss.
Ouch, tough day for this one given the mood I'm in.
Well for starters, sustainability. I'm afraid I really won't be able to maintain a weight under 130 ever again. In high school it was easy, I thought I'd never see 140 in my life. Four years later, I've crosses that line a half dozen times, and fighting down below 130 in a challenge that is going to require permanent changes. That's one reason this blog has been getting more of a fitness-over-fasting edge. I've restricted my intake for months at a time, dropped my weight waaaay down, and it always creeps back up when I'm not looking. So I want lifestyle changes, not impossible rules.
Another would be that no one will notice or care. My family never ever sees my weight change, and if I were truly to lose all this pudge and STILL no one saw me, I might feel like breaking. Being invisible sucks.
That's all for now I thinks.
goodnight,
Adrian
I loved the androgynous thinspo! I'm straight and all, but I thnk androgy is so unique and beautiful. I don't think you're being lazy- painting is very tiring and an exercise in iteself- so you're getting your workouts in! I hate routines as well- they get so boring just doing the same thing every single day. I want a job and a life where every day is different or I would go crazy with boredom.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your weight loss fear- there was a time when I was at my lowest weight and was telling myself that I would never see 140 again...and now I'm close to 150. You're completely right, to get down to our low weight we can't continue to yo-yo diet where we lose some gain some, but we have to make permanant lifestyle changes.
♥