sad, angry, stuffed.

well shit. I'm not sure why today felt so awful, I think if I could look at the numbers it wouldn't be as bad as I think, but tonight was the first night I ate to punish myself. I don't know if anyone else does this? My dinner was large but reasonable I think-50 cal. of chicken, 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes, green beans in garlic/lemon juice, and an onion/broccoli/carrot sautee mixture...but I had two small servings instead of one regular one which was a mistake because it meant I fucked up. Then I went into my room to read blogs and feel better but I fell into an immediate food-coma-stupor. Baby woke me up by buzzing my apartment and I remembered that because there are about 3 feet of snow outside I have to move my car into a garage every night or they will tow it to plow.

So I crawled out of bed, still full, and was so mad at myself for 1) eating too much at dinner 2) falling asleep on a full stomach and 3) forgetting to move my car, that I went to the fridge and methodically binged. I ate about 1 1/2 cups of pasta from the other night and about 1 cup of bean soup. The strangest thing is that if I had just been up that whole time, I probably would have moved my car and eaten the soup anyways. But I realized I was punishing myself, saying I don't deserve to be thin and have my goals.

Baby also convinced me to go out for a beer (1, a stout) and earlier on in the day I made myself some hot mulled wine to warm up with.

I also did a 20 minute workout today, two rounds of the 4 minute workout plus 16 minutes of 'freestyle' abs as I like to think of it. I can do any workout I want and switch whenever I want as long as I don't take a break in those minutes. Also tonight I focused on doing everything veeerrry slowly and in perfect form, it's actually harder in a lot of ways than using your body's momentum.

So all in all it couldn't have been TOO bad right? I mean, the mashed potatoes were a big no-no, but I kept my portions there down. It was almost all veggies all day except for the wine, beer, pasta, and potatoes. What scares me is more the fact that I ate to hurt myself. I remember doing this when I was actually in the throws of my ED years ago. Never wanting to eat, then doing it to sabotage myself, even though I know that the opposite should be true, eat to nourish and starve to punish...right? Or is it the other way around? I'm sorry, my brain isn't working right tonight. I had that eating nausea again today, twice. Once when tony gave me a bit of broccoli in the store this morning- awful stomach ache action, then again when I tried to eat dinner. Before I could get it down I spent a few minutes on the floor in a ball rocking back and forth because I thought I was going to vomit. Is this psychosomatic? Or am I getting sick? (you know, the real kind of sick, not this sickness that I harbor under my fat layers and over my ribs).

Oh, Pony couldn't make it out because of all the snow. I'm pretty unhappy about that, but his flight might be rescheduled for tomorrow, so that would be great.

Also, I thought I'd do this daily blogging thing from the sidebar and since day one is a photo of yourself and a description of your day, we're already half done. As for a picture of myself, I feel like I've been posting plenty of those lately, so here's a real throwback: Baby Adrian (circa 1997) getting my first ever trophy:

oh man, back then my lips were so big on my face...I hated it. Now I think it would look pretty cool.