The morning I woke up and felt so disgusting (sunday) I just didn't eat. I wasn't trying NOT to eat, in fact I made myself two carrot sticks cut into four and put them in a plastic bag in my pocket. I told myself I couldn't eat anything else until I ate those carrots. But the carrots just never sounded that good. Every time I saw other food, I'd think about the carrots I had to eat first and I would decline. I did have two vodka sodas and a beer at the bar though. Around 1:00 am I also made myself a meal: I ate one carrot stick and chopped the other into a veggies soup, 180 cals total. So my total for the day was 570 in food, plus 20 minutes of walking around, net 500.
Yesterday being my birthday, I was obliged to go out to lunch and dinner, three bars, and a late night snack. Oh yes, it was horrific, but you know what? Fuck it, it was my birthday. There are some nights I control my eating, and there are some nights I can't let my eating control me. I had a tuna roll and miso for dinner, and a bowl of soup with side salad for lunch. At home I had a slice of pizza and a bagel. I'm not even going to count it all up with drinks added, this day was a perfect non-ed day.
Today I realized though, Sunday was amazing. Just going as long as I can without eating, if I can keep from binging, just gives me this insane energy, you know? Like I'm capable of anything, like I'm searching for the next best thing and it's right around the corner; it's the better me. I woke up this morning and had a couple cups of coffee then went to the school to take care of some bullshit. Then I spent two hours at the school gym doing abs and cardio. I only counted the cardio calories, but I burned 531 on the cross-ramp thing doing 40 minutes.
Then I went grocery shopping on my way home and picked up: rice cakes, banana chips, egg plant, spinach, onions, garlic, mushrooms, bell peppers, chicken and beef broth, mmmm and sooo many other good produce things. I think the boys might be a little annoyed because I didn't buy any cheese or butter or bread or cereal which are the kinds of things they love. I'll probably go out again with them tomorrow or lend them my car or something, I just couldn't bring that food into the house with me.
Right now I'm sitting down o my first meal of the day: 60 cals of banana chips. Then I'm going to cook eggplants stuffed with mushrooms, green peppers, chicken, garlic, and onion. That's mostly for the boys, but I'm sure I'll have a small portion. I'll maybe make spiced rice on the side for them? Tomorrow: Borsht NOM NOM. Tonight I also have burlesque practice so I should get in another hour or so of exercise in.
So yes, I'm feeling much much better, thank you for the comments. I'm also still determined not to drink for the rest of the week nights, and not to eat anything big until saturday at my party (and maybe not even then. Between being nervous at parties and the likelihood of coke going around, I probably won't want to eat anything anyways).
Also, I went to the free boxes yesterday (remember, I never buy things?) and got some adorable new clothes. My favorite is this harem-pant silk onesie thing that I wore out to dinner last night:
p.s. I was writing this and then Tony walked in the door. We went out and played a couple games of pool (no drinks for me!) and I made the stuffed eggplant. I'm about to put it in the oven. PLUS the restaurant downstairs just opened. It's kind of a study space with coffee and waffles and couches. I kind of hated the construction going on down there for the last six months, but this could be a good thing.
-Adrian
I wish I could rummage through boxes and find cool clothes that fit. Unfortunately I'm too short and the only clothes that would fit probably belonged to a kid lol...You look lovely! Glad you had a good birthday!
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