I have to post, I know I do. But I can't talk about it today. About anything. I feel like an utter failure. I feel delusional to think I could do this. My body wants to be fat no matter what I put in it, and I want to be fat based on what I do put in it. I haven't wanted to cry so badly over the number on a scale in years. I feel paralyzed. Abject. Done. Alone. I'm not working hard enough, I was stupid to think there was a healthy way to do this. How does a person just gain so much weight in leaps and bounds? How can I go up 7 lbs in two days, and THEN have an overnight jump of five lbs? These numbers seem like they're out of a nightmare. I have to stop seeing people. Stop being social.
Tomorrow I'll be 22. I'm crying that this is the body I've let myself have, that this is how I walk into the world for a new year: pitiable, weak, sloppy. And all anyone wants to do for my birthday of course is eat because apparently I'm the woman with whom giant stuff-your-face extravaganzas are inextricable. fuck fuck fuck. I'm hideous.
-Adrian.
Instead of sunday progress pictures today I'm putting up the most disgusting image possible as punishment.
WARNING AWFUL REVERSE THINSPO COMING UP BELOW
I can do that to my stomach, too. Especially on a day when I've eaten virtually whatever I wanted, which happened more than once this weekend.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that it doesn't take long to make that little, pinchable belly, go away once you get your self-control back. It's much easier than to lose a whole, giant stomach that you don't even have to pinch to emphasize.
You can do it! Although it may seem like you are far from your goal, I believe that you are closer than you think. Be strong. :)
(This advice is as much for myself as it is for you.)
Oh I want to hug you so badly! I am sitting in the same boat with you! :( My tummy looks JUST like yours! Can I share a secret? I have purged every day for the last two weeks. I have stuffed my face and purged. In fact, I just purged two pieces of pizza and then got a bit drunk. :(
ReplyDeleteBut I am so, so here for you. I understand, I am feeling your pain so badly too. You are NOT alone and you really are so close to your goal. Remember it could always be a thousand times worse. And please know I am so here for you. <3
Hang in there, beautiful. Things get better, and you are really not fat at all. Being able to pinch a specific spot is such a good sign. If you could not grasp all of your "chub" with just your hands it would be worse, don't forget that. <3 And, I love you. Sending love your way, don't give up. <3 You inspire me!